Conflict with peers

[Numberate]

Hi, I just posted about my younger son and now I'm wondering what you all think about this situation with my oldest son. He is 13 in middle school. He is quite reactive as well but with his words. We've been trying to work on it. He is medicated which he says quiets his mind to think but does not do much for his quick to anger. We have an appointment with scheduled with a psychiatrist soon. He's been having issues with a girl at school who likes to provoke him because of his "rage issues" and openly makes fun of him because he has ADHD. This causes him to react and start spouting out whatever comes to mind. They go back and forth all the time to where their peers notice and tell me. This girl is actually kind of similar to my son. Very reactive and an instigator. I've been working with him on appropriate responses. Very neutral comebacks like "I heard you. I'm just not listening" "say whatever you want." My question is, should I bring it up to the other mom? Or just let him handle it on his own? I actually know the mother well and she is so nice and genuine. I know she would be receptive. Just not sure if this is one of those things where I just need my middle schooler to advocate for himself. Thank you!

[STEM_Dad]

I think it depends on the sort of relationship that you have with the other mom, and what sort of relationship that she has with her daughter.

As a parent, I would be receptive if another parent came to me about one of my kids. I know that I'm not aware of everything (I'm not the most perceptive person), so I rely on receiving relevant information from others.

I know that my kids (at least as they each are right now) would be receptive to my correction, but my eldest could be very hardheaded (& argumentative) when she was a teenager.

[Knitting20projects]

I’m not sure if our situation was similar or not. Our son was being bullied (deliberately provoked) by a classmate who previously was friendly towards him (was someone in his friend group). This classmate actually has a brother with ASD & maybe was extra sensitive to/frustrated by some of our son’s behavior (our son has ASD + ADHD. We haven’t had him tell his peers). I ultimately reached out to the school counselor last year after trying to have our son deal with the situation himself. I know this kid’s mom and was worried it would feel more personal and less objective if I addressed it with her directly. With the counselor handling it, each kid could speak to her alone and tell their side. Because of our son’s ASD, I sometimes don’t have a full picture of what happened, because of how he sees things vs how I might have interpreted them. However , some of the incidents were straightforward bullying and no interpretation was needed. It improved a lot after the school was aware. I am not saying, though, that you shouldn’t approach the mom. You know the situation well.

[Mamamichl in reply to Knitting20projects]

What a cool idea to get the school counselor involved!

[Mamamichl]

Is it possible le the girl has a bad home life? If so, don’t bring it up. If her mom seems like they would be a good redirection to her, I would bring it up. Parents are often not aware their kids are making poor choices and they need redirection, but if it’s done incorrectly, it always makes things worse.

I would also ask your son if he wants you to help him intervene since it seems like he could use your help.. he is at the age that he can do things independently but at times, it’s good to have a support system.

[HoldingonLou]

I have had to do both. When I knew the parents and the child, I talked with the mom one day about getting our kids together with all of us. It gave us both a chance to see what was taking place and ask the mother, "Do you think they can work that out?" We both intervened at the time and just spoke to them about how you treat one another. It resolved itself.

Another time I didn't know the parents or the child, so I spoke with the school counselor. It was addressed at the school. I know it's hard to always know what to do. Pray on it.