New to this group. My son is 11. He was diagnosed with ADHD in Grade 1. He just started middle school this week. My husband struggles to understand the lack of maturity, difficulty following through and struggle with effort. While my son has been tested gifted, getting work done is a battle. This new week in middle school has been very challenging for us. He had many great friends in his previous school. And now he doesn't know anyone. There are a lot of new pressures and he has a twin sister that is constantly treating him like she is the mother.
Socially, he is on the immature end. But he is a kind and funny boy. When we ask him if he is happy, making friends, finding his way etc. He gets very very angry. He shuts down and yells at us. He has been very irritable the last few weeks and at the point of disrespectful. Today he yelled at my husband. My husband took his arm very firmly while speaking to him and caused my son to cry and become very upset. This greatly escalated the situation that I have been trying to fix. I am so sad and really at a point of confusion. My husband thinks I use ADHD as an excuse for his behavior. I have been looking for an ADHD coach in our area. Unfortunately I have only been able to find therapists that don't truly specialize in ADHD. Any insight would be greatly appreciated. I have tremendous guilt and am not sure of the best route for support. He is already on medication. Thank you!
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I so sorry the last few weeks have been so rough. I am guessing your son had a feeling junior high wasn't going to be a great fit and he was acting accordingly. ADHDers are often extremely intuitive and "know" things but don't know how they know it, you know?
This all sounds very typical for this big transition from elementary to junior high. It is a big step for everyone.
For the ADHD brain the executive function/prefrontal cortex develop more slowly than average. The prefrontal cortex is generally about 30% behind the ADHDer's age. So your 11 year old is closer to 8 years old in terms of emotional regulation, decision making, maturity, etc. It is not an excuse it is a biological fact that the parts of your sons brain that control executive function are not fully online and he is behind emotionally and in other areas such as: time management, prioritization, planning, emotional regulation, impulse control, etc.
It is really, really hard to not see ADHD as an excuse for poor behavior so don't blame yourself or your husband. Society has us all brainwashed to believe that every child will progress at the same rate in most areas, and that simply isn't true.
It is also strongly believed that ADHDers are behaving poorly on purpose. If you stop to think about it that doesn't make any sense. Why on earth would people behave in such a way that made their life excessively harder than it had to be.
I am not sure why people/parents/teachers/bosses assume this, but they do. It gets confusing when you have a bright kid like yours and they do well with X but not with Y. X is usually something they find thrilling and Y is something society has decided is important but is not interesting to your kid.
May I suggest the book ADHD 2.0 by Dr. Hallowell & Dr. Ratey. It explains what ADHD is and is not, goes over the latest in brain science and also discusses the difference between females and males in the presentation of ADHD symptoms. Both Dr. Hallowell and Ratey are positive in their view of ADHD while also recognizing the challenges that come with it. It is an easy read.
Get to know as much as you can about ADHD and your kid's particular ADHD.
I am an ADHD parent coach if you want to reach out I can suggest some resources that may help.
Thank you so much for the informative response!! I really appreciate it. We have been trying to locate an adhd coach and or someone that truly specializes. We have only had luck finding those that coach teenagers/or adults in our area.
A lot of the time working with younger people is really working with the parents. So maybe finding a coach for yourself is a place to start. As mentioned your kid is much younger than their years and discussing big topics is a challenge let alone getting them to participate. I usually start by creating common vocabulary for the family. We talk about a big topic like your kid is constantly spacing out, and come up with a phrase the parents can use that means "hey I think you spaced out there, are you worth me? " not accusatory just a fact. The phrase might be "Blue Bananas!" But it has a much deeper meaning, keeps it light, and gets their attention - if that makes sense.
That is a very stressful situation and tough on all of you. I’m sorry too that you’re going through this. It definitely takes a village and I feel strongly that with a comfortable “outlet” students can really thrive. Having a “safe space” where the student feels heard & the “directive” is coming from someone who isn’t “mom or dad” can often be very effective. Whether it be from an ADHD Executive Function coach or another resource, it can often make a big difference.
I’m a Certified ADHD Executive Function Coach and work mostly with elementary to college level students. All sessions are online, typically 1 hour a week (in 2-30 minute increments) with “check-ins” between sessions.
As others will attest to, I’m incredibly passionate about coaching and using creative & strategic approaches to help support the needs of each individual.
I’m happy to share more information about my services if it would be useful whether it be now or in the future.
FYI. No pressure.
MichelleEFCoaching@gmail.com
Regardless of what you decide, be sure you are taking time for you. Whatever that may be it can make a world of difference .
Does your son have an IEP by chance? If not, request one in writing. Does he have any extracurricular activities that help him make friends. Most middle schools have clubs and after school things kids can do to get to know others. Reach out to the school and ask what resources are available. If he is into gaming, check game shops about events.
To figure out the counselor situation, get a list of providers in your area, then google search each of them. Do this with Telehealth too. All medical providers have to have their synopsis and their specialties listed online. This search took me 4 hours, but thats how I found one that specialized in all of my conditions that sounded relatable. I know there are ADHD coaches online as well, and have seen a few on this forum.
Thank you! Going through these responses has been very helpful. He does not have an IEP or 504. At this point it had not been necessary. It has not impacted his work or ability to test. He is on focalin which has helped tremendously. I may consider a 504 if needed. I’m in the education field and write 504’plans so I am aware of the available accommodations. I figured it may be something we may consider in middle school but thus far it has not been needed.
Middle school is tough. Kids with ADHD have a maturity level 2 -4 years behind their peers. My 18-year-old grandson still likes stuffed animals and is a pokemon fanatic. In middle school he had an IEP. It gave home extra days to finish homework
He also had a social skills class.
Medications sometimes suddenly stop working in middle school with changing hormones. With his brother medication that worked all through grade school suddenly just stopped working and we had to start all over.
it’s interesting that you mention the change in medication. I have noticed a sudden difference in the impact of his meds. We are seeing a large increase in stimming such as making noises, singing etc. most of his stimming is vocal, which if you don’t have an understanding can be annoying. We are seeing this primarily at home. I had wondered if it is due to nerves, anticipation of big changes. I am going to reach out the counselor to just give a heads up and make the connection. Thank you for your input!
While you try to figure out an ADHD coach, here are some other things to do:
- write a quick email to his school counselor saying that he is having trouble with the transition to middle school and you'd like the school counselor to start meeting with him. This is setting up a relationship that will last for all of middle school. Hopefully he will like this counselor and learn that he can go to him/her when he is struggling. This also sets the same expectation up for HS.
- if he doesn't have a 504 plan, request one now (via the counselor with a separate email). You'll need to attach the ADHD diagnosis letter you received from whoever diagnosed him. Then while they set up a mtg (which may take several weeks), search for common middle school 504 accommodations for ADHD. Print out several of them and read through then, highlighting or starring the ones you think would help your kid. Then have your kid read through them and mark in a different color the ones he thinks will help him.
- if you think your kid might also have a learning disability, then you could request the school to test him for IEP services.
- if he does have a 504 plan already, send the counselor an email requesting a 504 review ASAP. Then print the current one out. Search online for 504 accommodations (as above) and go through them looking for things that will help him (and have him do the same). This is to prepare for the meeting.
- start asking him to explain the problems he's having to you in detail. Break it down over several days so it's not too many questions at once. Tell me about 1st period... are you on time? Do you have your materials ready when class starts? What does your teacher do first? What is hard for you? Etc.
- call the office and ask when they will be having club day or club week (it should be soon). Prepare your kid to be open to trying out some clubs. There will likely be a gaming club, chess club, art club, anime club, etc. If he isn't interested (or even if he is), offer a reward for trying out clubs. Maybe something like going out for ice cream with you if he trys one club for 3 mtgs. But you want him to try 4-5 clubs, knowing that some won't be a good fit. So offer rewards accordingly. Hopefully he will end up with 2-3 clubs that are a good fit. And then he will make some friends over time.
- help him set up a plan to do homework and stay organized.
- there are free online summits like this one with a bunch of mini webinars with topics that might help you: alanpbrown.com/workschoolsu...
Heather, thank you so much. He does not have a 504 or IEP. He has an EP for gifted. I am considering the 504 if needed. Once we get into the full work load I will determine that. I am a curriculum at a school so very versed in that world. The emotionality and executive function piece is the biggest challenge. I truly appreciate the tips in regards to the clubs and organization. I will definitely be reaching out the counselor as well. Thank you!!
I too had sooooo many concerns when my son transitioned to middle school. I knew he would struggle with the changing of classes, all the different teachers, the schedule changes, larger school, etc. and he def did. But I reached out to the guidance counselor and school social worker the summer before he started to let them know of my concerns so they would be aware and we could have an open dialogue of my concerns. It was tough but we got through it. My son was diagnosed at 8 and we had a 504 plan put in place. He still struggles in school even with the accommodations so we’re now thinking about starting him on meds and perhaps looking into an IEP. He’s a bright kid but he struggles to concentrate and stay on task and his grades are very poor. In reading what you wrote, I learned about stimming! I never heard of that term (or probably did but didn’t know what it meant) so I googled and my son def does this ALOT… a great deal of fidgeting, nail biting, weird giggles/verbal sounds, etc. Question: was your son’s dad open to putting him on meds? You mentioned that he thinks you’re using ADHD as an excuse/crutch for your son’s behavior, which is pretty much how my son’s dad feels too.
My son was diagnosed at 7. We did meds right away. My husband and I are in a second marriage so my son was on meds prior to us meeting. He is supportive of medication. He views the diagnosis as a crutch. That not everything can be blamed on adhd. While this is true, so many of his behaviors and struggles can. I think education of parents is key!! Trying to continuously provide information so he understands the impact.
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