21 yr old College Son - New Diagnosis - How to find help?

[WeespShacky]

Hi - I could write a novel about my son. Has always hated confrontation. Good student in high school but never made great grades (graduated with a 3.6 but capable of more). Caught him vaping and smoking weed in his bedroom weeks before graduation and he said he was frustrated because he couldn’t find motivation. Did a gap year in Europe because we thought it would help him mature and find some motivation. Freshman year of college was a train wreck … financial problems, night in jail from a drunk biking accident (the night before my birthday - and I was in chemo at the time), seizure after smoking a joint, a drunken fall which resulted in stitches, forgetting plans for Mother’s Day … it was ugly. We even hired an addiction interventionist. Little did we know he also got kicked out of the Honors College at school and dropped a ton of classes. The lies and cover-ups were unreal. Came to us in Dec 2021 and asked to be tested for ADHD (he is not hyper) - we did the test to get him services at college and Adderol, which he did not like. Hired an ADD online coach and he also saw another therapist sporadically. The $hit hit the fan a few weeks ago when we realized how bad it was. So we’ve scheduled full NeuroPsych evaluation just to make sure there is no underlying Anxiety, etc. He has agreed to come home for the Fall because we told him he must have a change of scenery for us to financially support him to work on his executive functioning skills. He is so smart and really a kind kid but has no organization, motivation, purpose, etc. I hope / feel / know most of this is ADD related. I have Inattentive ADHD and I see a lot of my younger self in him (although my parents just had no clue when I was in school) although I have always been very driven. Husband and I are diving in deep to books, videos, and trying to find good resources to present to him. Any suggestions are welcome! Thank you - it felt good to offload!

[anirush]

My ADHD/ anxiety ridden daughter did well first semester at college because her roommate kept up with her medication regimen. The she decided to stop meds, got pregnant, got on drugs. It was a disaster for a while. Mid 20's she suddenly decided to get her life together, got clean, went back to college and got her degree. She is not on medication now but probably should be since her anxiety is still bad. But it is hard to tell an adult what to do.

Her boys have been on mediation since kindergarten and do well. They are in their teens.

[BTV65]

I see you read one of my posts (and replied). ATM my son is home for the summer, after failing 8 of his 11 freshman classes. No drugs or alcohol. Very anti-social and has anxiety about talking to other people, either in person or even on the phone. In his opinion, he just lacked motivation to do the work he needed to do to pass his classes. He's at a loss about why he can't motivate himself.

We refuse to send him back to a college far away. If he wants to go to one, there is a good one within driving distance. No more dorm situations. We don't want him hiding in his room and failing everything again. He has meds, and took them about 50% of the time. Even here at home, he often doesn't take them without reminders, and even with reminders sometimes doesn't take them. He's going to counseling, so at least he has someone to talk to. I should probably go to his next one to ask some questions and see if she can help diagnose what's going on with him and how we can best help out.

I wish I had some upbeat optimistic story to tell you about how it all gets better, but we are just at the start of this journey. I never imagined transitioning him to college was going to be this hard. We spent 9 years helping him build good school habits and life routines. Now it all feels like it was for naught.

[WeespShacky in reply to BTV65]

I’m sorry for your struggles. I hope both of our boys can figure out this journey and turn it around!

[executivefunksean in reply to BTV65]

Ughh that sounds so difficult! I promise it wasn't for naught. Transitions can be brutal. I suggest reviewing my comment to the main thread below and giving it a shot.

[BTV65 in reply to executivefunksean]

Well, I think he knows why he is in school. School = Degree, Degree = Well paying job, Well paying job = good start at life?

At least those are the vague reasons. I think he has more existential unanswered questions though. Such as "What is happiness", "What do I want in life", "How is success in life measured". Social connections? Yeah... Not happening. If he could go without talking to other people in his life, he would.

I really wish this were a case (like in all the movies and books), where the parents are pushing their child to go to college, while they really have a passion for something else they would be great at... However, he has no passion. No drive. I'm not sure if it goes back to "What do I want in life", or it's something deeper. He has no motivation. He even lists that problem freely on his own. "Dad, I just have no motivation to do anything"

The family meeting suggestion sounds great, to help keep focus on an end goal. I think this goes a bit beyond that though.

[executivefunksean in reply to BTV65]

Thanks so much for sharing this deeper insight. Seeing you write that your son said, "I have no motivation to do anything" reminds me of a dark time in my life when depression felt like a heavy, wet blanket on top of me. I hope your son is able to access mental health services that can begin to help him feel motivated and back to his normal self (I imagine he did not always feel this way).

[BTV65 in reply to executivefunksean]

Yeah, we think his year of failed college had strong vibes of depression, since he didn't connect with others on campus and just locked himself away in his dorm room, basically only leaving to eat and use the bathroom.

He is seeing a counselor right now, but I'm not sure where that is going. He doesn't talk much about it. I was hoping she would be able to diagnose something so that we could start working towards managing the problems. Perhaps I will see about giving her a call just to touch base.

Motivation is odd when we are talking about children and transitioning to adulthood. As little children, parents provide all the motivation. Setting goals, expectations, rewards, punishments, schedules and activities. As they get older, they should begin to push towards their own interests and passions. However, some don't. Or they take a long time to make the change. Some kids end up living with their parents long into adulthood without any real drive or motivation to start their own life. Other children seem ready to move out of the house at 16 and can't wait to start their own lives. Motivation is such an internal thing. I don't know how to teach that to someone.

[executivefunksean]

I'm sorry to hear things have been so difficult and it is so good to hear that as a parents, you are committed to the deep work of learning and understanding, rather than blaming and isolating.

I've worked with my students like your son and I find that one thing they have in common is a lack of clarity on their purpose for continuing higher education. Does your son really know why he is still in school? Does he have burning desire to learn more about something that is going to empower and motivate him to establish independence, live a healthy lifestyle and build powerful social connections?

If this sounds right and that he doesn't have this "executive" goal, I suggest holding a weekly family team meeting. A family team meeting is an opportunity to focus on what's going well (there has to be some things), what needs to change, and who does what by when.

If you are consistent in this process, you will bring structure and order into his life that he has likely not experienced before. He will feel accountability and will see that effort and intention you are putting into helping him. It might be volatile at first, but after a few months, you will see growth.

Here is a full article on how to facilitate the process if you are up for trying it:

executive-funk-sean.medium....

Best,

Sean