Looking for suggestions

[ADHDAunt]

Hi! My 15 yr old nephew moved in with me this summer. He has adhd. I’m in over my head since I’m not even a parent and now here I am struggling to help a young man with adhd succeed at school and life. Since I do not have legal custody, an online school program was the basically the only option for school.

At first, my nephew was doing sufficiently well at doing his school work regularly. As in he would miss a day here and there, but 80-90% of the time did what he needed to each school day. Then he went home for 5 weeks over the holidays and his parents didn’t follow up on his school work and didn’t hold him accountable for it. Now he is back with me and we are struggling to find our way back to that consistency.

We talked yesterday and he said he just can’t find the motivation to start/do his work. What are some ways you have helped your child find motivation to do the things they need to do?

I’m honestly feeling overwhelmed and under equipped. He is such an enjoyable person but I find that I dread encounters with him because I am continually having to bring up getting school work completed. What are some tips you might have for establishing a good relationship without feeling like you are nagging ALL the time? 😳😁

[Onthemove1971]

Welcome to the group! We are glad you have joined us. Children with ADHD benefit from the following tools: school plan ( 504 or IEP), therapy and medication ( non-stimulants help with focus and mood and stimulate help with impulsive behavior).

One thing that I have learned through this journey is to believe our son. He is an amazing person and does not want to struggle with school, peers and social interactions.

As far as school is concerned, could he get a school person who he see him regularly to help keep him accountable?

If he has "documented" ADHD, then he can get extra time on assignments. This may not be the issue. Could they help him create a calendar and set deadlines ( this is a great real life skill)? I do not suggest you start doing this becuase it will be his responsibility once he is out on his own.

Best of luck and know you are doing what you can to help him.

Take care.

[MomO_Sea]

dear ADHD Aunt, I have an 18yo son w ADHD. I admire your willingness to help your family and am impressed that you’re able to get him to do his homework at all! That’s wonderful!

My biggest points of advice would be: 1/ teens desperately need in person social interactions. Could you work it out so he can attend an in person program? That will likely motivate him to keep up w his peers. 2/ at high school age we were glad we hired a tutor for our son. It helped our relationship stay a bit healthier and he was accountable to a professional, which helped him remain motivated. We found a wonderful tutor through a Facebook group dedicated to the community of that school system. And lastly, 3/ although it’s routine that we have been told that all ADHD’ers need medicine coupled with therapy we have had spotty success in this effort. There are great ADHD Coaches out there and that would be a recommendation I would make. Ryan ‘The ADHD Dude’ gives great advice. Check him out online or on IG. Our son was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with depression/ADHD inattentive type and we did get a 504 plan for him through the school in 10th grade so his issues are probably quite different than your nephews issues. He never took his meds and has seen 4 therapists due to trial and error with some therapists.

Best to you, and what luck it truly is to be able to have a positive influence on a young human!

[Yellow-cello]

I have to chime in to say you are doing a wonderful thing, it’s not easy, and you have basically summed up the teen parenting dilemma! Since you specifically asked about nagging and the relationship, I would try:

- 5 positives for every negative/directive. Keep the majority of your interactions about something besides school/chores. Not business related.

- Consider setting aside a weekly time to talk school strategy and ask him the pros and cons for him of doing/not doing his work, what’s hard, etc. If he’s talking, keep listening and empathizing. He may be feeling so far behind that he would be open to strategies for chunking the work. If you can get a tutor, I agree with others that could be helpful.

It’s hard when they say they aren’t motivated. My daughter was unmotivated when she wasn’t busy enough. Filling her schedule a bit more (but not too much) helped. You are doing a great job just by being a role model and support!

[ASLCODATerp]

Hello! You are doing great! Parenting ADHD kids is hard!! With our son who is 16 we have let him be accountable to his teachers for his work. We check in from time to time but it is clear that we are just checking on his well being and not pushing him with school. He has taken charge of his education and though he does get a C or even a D now and then but we know he is doing his best. He does take medication-Concerta, which is a stimulant. He does really well with it and takes it regularly. He also is involved with sports which helps so much. Each child is different, of course. We have two other children who have adhd and their medication and their path has been different. You definitely have to collaborate with each kid and go with what feels right. Check out the website Lives in the Balance. Ross Green runs that organization and he is an awesome resource!! I also recommend a podcast called Tilt Parenting. Just know that all your efforts are not wasted! You are enough!

[penn_adhd]

As an adult with ADHD who wasn't sure how to help my kid with a different form of ADHD...and if you like to read, and don't mind stuff that can get dense Russell Barkley has a good book called Taking Charge of ADHD, Revised Edition: The Complete, Authoritative Guide for Parents. His talks are on YouTube as well. Some people have broken them down into shorter chunks as some are 3 hours long. I mention this book to people a lot because I found I agree with it from my own experiences and other books I didn't agree with and didn't even finish.