How can I help my son succeed in school?

[kaoskrsp]

Hi all! I'm new here and looking for support and guidance. My 13 year old son has ADHD combined type. He just finished 8th grade at a Private School. I am a single parent and my son and I live with my parents. He takes 25 mg of Focalin XR every morning with the option to take another 10mg in the afternoon.

Prior to this Covid 19, my son was doing good in school. He had a 3.5 GPA and participated in Volleyball. When the school decided to have students stay home and study online in March things went backwards. I started noticing my son staying up late playing video games with friends online. Everyday I would ask if he checked in for school and did his work. I never saw him doing any school work online. Then I started getting emails from his teachers indicating that he was not only not doing his work, but he wasn't even getting credit for attendance (which was submitting his name on scheduled days at a certain time).

Long story short, he had not done a single thing for school since they went online. When I printed out his missing work it totaled around 50 assignments total for all his classes. Every day I would have to check to verify how much he had completed and checked on him almost every hour.

Here is where I am struggling... my parents think that I should be monitoring his every move making sure he is doing his work on time daily. To me, my parents want me to treat my son like he is in Kindergarten. Their take on it, is his ADHD isn't his fault which I agree with but I believe that he is old enough to take responsibility for his actions and should get natural consequences. I've tried to give him tools (schedules, planners, social stories, lists, rewards, etc.) I would love to hear what other parents are doing if they are faced with the same issues I am. Thank you for your time.

[Onthemove1971]

There is no right answer to your question, but I have a few things to share. First, I could not tell from your question if your child has a educational plan ( I.E.P. or 504) either will help you both a lot. I understand he goes to a private school, but I am pretty sure your local public school is required to help you.

I work with kids in private schools, but I work for the public school specialist.

Second I don't think either of you or your parents are wrong in your thinking.. I am not sure it is a good idea to compare what a Neuro-typical kid is capable to what a child with ADHD is capable of. The biggest struggle for most children with ADHD is executive functioning. Having an issue like this causes many issues: time blindness, lack of organization skills, not writing on a calander ( because they think they can keep it all in their head) and often memory issues. I am sure there are other, but these are the big ones.

On top of this most children with ADHD function about 2 years behind their chronical age.

So with that being said, clearly do everything you can to help dig him out of where he is now. THEN, if I were in your shoes I would make him write all assignments in an App or on a agenda. This is a skill that will be life long for him.

Then I would make him show me his agenda or share an App with him so you can see his to do's and what has been handed in.

I don't have conversations about school work, it is " where is the proof it is completed", in writing. If you do not see it then it is not done. This is done often and every class. This sounds painful but it gets much easier once in the groove.

The last suggestion is thearpy. There are so many issues to go over and deal with and they would give you a big deal of help at getting him to deal with his issues related to ADHD.

Hope these suggestions help.

Big hug for all your stress. Many of us have been there.

Take care,

[kaoskrsp in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and better yet, respond. Earlier today I almost felt as if I were all alone and embarrassed that my thinking was doing more harm than good. Funny thing is that I too work in public school system and many of the students I work with have ADHD. It is so much more difficult implementing and being consistent when it's your child. I just don't want to enable my son and rob him of experiencing success on his own. My son went to public school from K-2. I requested for an evaluation thinking that a diagnosis was enough to get my son into SPED and get an IEP or of 504 Plan. The team decided that his symptoms were not showing in school and that the problems I was having was all occurring only at home.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to kaoskrsp]

I love your thinking, yes we want him to be successful and don't want to over help.

I just wrote a message about cutting our son's meat. All his life I have worried that cutting his meat would set him back.

Just last week I put a knife and plate in front of him and he was able to do it on his own. When I tried to help he said... "Mom I got this.."

So helping him by teaching him the skills to be successful in life ( yes, school is just a stepping stone) is the best you can do.

Hope you find the right balance for him.

As far as his previous IEP/504 kids can always be reassessed for success.

Big hug!

[Ldydy24]

Hi your not alone. My 15 yr old son also struggled without the daily structure of school. He also takes Focalin XR and it helps him a lot, however, without structure he lied and didn’t do assignments that he felt were to difficult for him. I noticed after the first week of virtual learning he was only doing an hour of school work then rushing downstairs for the Xbox. I then started reviewing his grades and noticed zeros for certain assignments and made him show me he completed them after he lied saying he did them. Sure enough he didn’t do them bcz they required a lot of reading and more complex instructions which he required extra help. So instead of asking for help, he just didn’t do them. I’m also working at home and constantly on conference calls so he felt he could ask me. So my point is, your son may be struggling learning virtually and may need more structure.

After seeing what was happening, I immediately put in action a new plan. My son did his school work and after he completed each assignment, I made him show me his assignment was completed online and the score. I hated dking this but it made things much easier and less stress for me plus it taught my son he was not going to get away with not doing the school work. I also recruited extra help from his History teacher to meet with him 3 times a week to help him on those assignments that were more complex. He has a 504 plan requiring extra help when needed. Only after everything was done, including some for of exercise did I allow him to have video game time.

I also kept a bedtime structure just as if he was going to school and the phone was turned off at 7pm. His bimonthly therapy appts continue over Zoom and this also helps reinforce what’s expected of him and allows him the opportunity to express his feelings with a neutral party.

Hang in there and my advice is put more structure in his day and make him do the work he didn’t complete.

[Keylove]

Following my Grandson came to live with us when this all started long story! He is 14 and Same issues

[anirush]

I have been monitoring my 13 and 15 year old grandsons' online learning. I actually had to do this when their mother was in high school and it was not online back then. She just could not stay focused unless I sat with her.

A 13 year old is really probably about 10 years old in maturity level.

The 13 year old has an I.E.P. and the teachers just told me what minimum assignments would get him through. They were really good at working with both, giving them extra credit etc.

It is rough and in a perfect world they should be responsible for their own work.

[willandgrace]

I applaud your attitude of trying to let him figure it out and face consequences. Most of us rescue them too quickly (I do), and I struggle with the same question that you have. My 15 year old missed some classes, and was mortified when his teacher contacted me AND my husband. My husband is usually not involved in the school stuff so he reacted strongly when he got the email. My son turned it around. But I think an important thing to do is to keep bedtime as normal (as though he were still going to school each day). I make mi e get off the darn Xbox by 9:30 and be in bed by 10. He is furious because all his friends are on past midnight. But ADHD brains need proper sleep in order to decrease symptoms. I think sleep and schedule are critical. The rest can fall into place if sleep and schedule are maintained. That’s my two cents. Good luck to you. I struggle too!

[kaoskrsp]

Thank you to all who took the time to respond to my cry out. My son will be in high school this year and I am afraid that he will have a difficult time adjusting. I actually wanted my son to go to public school instead of private because I thought it would be better if he could have an IEP or 504. Unfortunately, private schools are not required to make accommodations for children with ADHD.