10 y.o. with ADHD - always blames others for conflict, never sees his own part and says he can't change

[aelix]

Hi all

Not sure if this is something others have encountered, seeking some ideas because we are really struggling. Our 10 y.o. has ADHD (inattentive) and creates a lot of conflict with his brothers and parents because his emotional regulation is very poor and he has big negative reactions to a lot of things.

We understand this is part of underdeveloped executive functioning and try to be patient and gentle, but one thing is making this incredibly difficult right now. When he has a big meltdown and we're trying to talk through it afterwards, he blames everyone and everything other than himself and it's incredibly hard to get him to acknowledge (a) his part in the issue, (b) how it affects others and (c) how he could respond differently next time.

This is worrying to us as parents because it feels like without some self awareness and humility our son doesn't have a pathway towards growth... the conflict is getting worse lately such that we are always on eggshells waiting for the next explosion/meltdown. With the blame game and apparent lack of contrition on his part, it feels like our relationship with our son is getting more and more negative.

Unsure if this is characteristic of ADHD or whether there are other issues at play (or just a difficult personality mix)... would love any insights.

Thanks

[Applecrisp]

You have my sympathy on this! Our 10 year old also can’t accept responsibility for things, or foresee consequences. So you can’t warn him off doing something that has bad results, and then when he does exactly that he won’t even admit it was deliberate. Argh!

How is your son in general with relationships and friendships? Does he care about pleasing others? Bond with people? See his friends as more than just someone to hang out with? See, ours does not really do these things, if you look at it honestly. A counselor I saw asked if I thought he might have traits of autism too. And I’m starting to think so. She thought that might help explain why he misunderstands social cues, doesn’t try to protect his relationships from damage, and acts out when things don’t go his way. He isn’t just hyper and inattentive, he’s a little more than that I think. It makes him very isolated, unlike some other kids with ADHD who are still popular because they are affectionate and charming.

Maybe try reading about how to handle kids on the spectrum when they have meltdowns. Whether your child would actually get that diagnosis doesn’t matter if it gives you more tools to work with. I am definitely studying this.

Hope it helps!

[aelix in reply to Applecrisp]

Thanks for your reply!

My son is OK with friendships, while he can get into trouble by acting without thinking he gets along pretty well with most kids at school and has a best friend that he seems to care about beyond 'someone to play with'. A previous teacher and then more recently his developmental psychologist did wonder whether he had some ASD elements, but his psych has since concluded he's not really spectrum-y after some focused conversations to evaluate him in that area.

My son's psych has been talking recently about his underdeveloped 'self concept' because through several conversations she's noticed he really doesn't identify his own role in various issues, conflicts etc. She wants to work with him on seeing that better, but there's no magic bullet at it makes it incredibly hard for us to deal with him when he's in a bad mood.

We have tried a couple of meds recently (Vyvanse and Ritalin) but neither had any noticeable impact, so we are back to the paediatrician soon for a review and potentially a different medication.

[Berners in reply to Applecrisp]

Sounds very much like my daughter who is 12. She was initially diagnosed with GAD then in fourth grade combined ADHD. I still felt socially and executive functions wise she was off so I had her further tested and she was just diagnosed with the above mentioned plus on the spectrum-high functioning. We are now starting social skills groups so I’m hoping this helps her but I still feel she needs more therapy to help her gain understanding from social perspective as she doesn’t listen to me at all

[Onthemove1971]

I recommend he sees a child psychiatrist so they help with the correct type of medication, dose of medication and inform you of the best time to take the medication. These symptoms don't seek like he is in control and medication should be helping him. With proper medication these meltdowns should stop. Do you think thearpy is working for him?

[aelix in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thanks for your reply. We are still working on the medication front, there are several options still available so hopefully something helps. The therapy has allowed him to voice some of his struggles and in his quieter moments have some self awareness, but this has not translated into any better choices under pressure. That is probably a longer term goal since he is only 10, I guess.

[bear240]

HiThese kids get a lot of negative input into their behaviour when often they have difficulty behaving appropriately and need support to do this. I suggest positive behaviour education for yourselves if you haven't already found this. We found this eye opening and have had terrific results.

Catching kids being good and genuine praise for the behaviour you want. Avoiding triggers for behaviour you don't want. Takes time for results.

You may have tried all this so I wish you success with other strategies.

[aelix in reply to bear240]

Thanks for your response. We do really try to praise every positive behaviour we 'catch' our son engaging in, and we try to avoid getting into negative cycles. But that can be incredibly hard when he is genuinely responsible for much of the conflict, screaming, shouting etc. in our house, and it doesn't seem fair to his two brothers (8 and 6) to allow the 10 year old to get away with everything he does and says to them.

We will keep trying to be more positive, it would just be great if there was a bit less antisocial/negative behaviour from him in the first place!

[BTV65]

I have a son with ADHD and a daughter that does not have it. Both have difficulty owning the results of their own actions. Oddly, my daughter seems worse. Her behavior is better than his by a large margin, so the issue doesn't come up as often. When it does come up, she really just can't accept ownership for hurting someone else. It's always someone else's fault. "they" are the problem. She is just acting appropriately and reacting to other people.

My son has a quick knee-jerk reaction to blame others. He's lashing out. Angry. Not thinking things through. Accusing other people and saying ridiculous things to try and justify it. If we give him some space/time and can come back to him when he is more contemplative, then he has an easier time seeing his role and owning his part in things. Both my children are older at this point (16/17), and it has been a long slow road to get here.

I've looked at some of my own reactions as well as my wife. I think some of this stems from self image issues. Accepting fault, means you are broken. That you are a "bad person", because you hurt someone else. You did something wrong and only bad people do that. I know with children it can be important to point out the difference between bad choices and bad people. It's hard sometimes, even for adults. If inside, we honestly don't feel worthy and are afraid that other people won't love us or will leave us if see who we really are... Of course we don't want to accept that we screwed up. If we can just hide are flaws. Deny them. Blame someone else. Then we are protecting our fragile ego. We can put it off for another day accepting the pain of acknowledging we are broken.

I know all of that is not healthy thinking. But it is realistically how a lot of people feel.

[aelix in reply to BTV65]

Thanks, this is a really interesting reflection. I can see elements of myself in my son except that they are amplified and much less 'kept in check' because he very clearly doesn't have age-appropriate emotional regulation. I do try really hard to reinforce that we think he's fantastic, love spending time with him etc. but when every interaction he's had with his brothers and us parents during a day has been critical, negative or angry it gets very wearing.

I just want to see a glimmer of progress right now, because I do believe that over time he will work through his current phase.

[gmspdx]

As a parent of a child with ADHD and SPD, I would say that each ADHD child is unique in their family. You really have to tune into exactly what is driving that behavior. what I have noticed in my own two children is the desire for affection and attention from one parent or the other. Some of this behavior could just negative behavior to get attention, a cry for help sometimes. Try giving individual attention to each child and The best advice I received from a mom on a field trip was to read the book “positive parenting” And even more specifically using the chart in the book when behavior arises. No joke I literally printed off that chart and posted it in my office, my husbands office, my purse and family cork board. I hope my personal experience this helps a little bit. Lastly, make sure you give yourself something (self care) every day because parents raising kids with any special needs is extremely challenging for both mom and dad and the family and a lot of support is needed from everyone in the family. Cheers!

[aelix in reply to gmspdx]

Thanks, appreciate the response. I think I have that book somewhere, or at least a friend does, but I haven't read it. I'll give it a shot - always happy to take on different perspectives.