Communication

[Boymom3]

My 7 year old twin boys were adopted by us through foster care. We’ve had them since they were 3. They had obvious delays and have come a long way, but I have so much trouble communicating with them and relating to them. They don’t understand me and I don’t understand them. We have been seeing a counselor, but I’m not sure it’s helping. Anyone else? Anything that helped?

[elnora44]

I would ask your kids provider for a referral to speech AND occupational therapy. There is likely a lot going on with them that could be helped by not just speech but also occupational therapy which works to help regulate developing nervous systems.

[Boymom3]

We’ve done that. I don’t know how to make them understand concepts. If I try to ask them questions to figure out what’s going on their heads, I can’t get anything out of them that makes any sense. They don’t understand what I’m asking or don’t know how to answer. It makes it difficult to establish a relationship when communication is so difficult and frustrating on both sides.

[Pennywink]

I’m not sure if this is helpful at all, but my son has a hard time with recall (remembering without a cue) if I ask him a question. So he will typically deflect the question or give an all encompassing answer - like “I don’t know”. Ex: “What was your favorite thing at Cub Scout Camp?” He will say “Everything!”

What he is better at is recognition (remembering with a cue.) So asking him specific questions involving something that might stimulate the memory helps. So instead of “How was school?” (which he doesn’t know how to answer), it’s more successful if I say “What did you make in art class?”, or “Did you prefer archery or field games at camp?” and expand from there.

Also, maybe keeping the wording short, if you don’t already. My son has a high vocabulary, but can only pay attention to so many words before he starts to mentally wander or butt in. Especially if his mind was focused on something else. Like if he’s reading a book (or focused on anything else), and I suddenly ask about church, he has a hard time getting his brain to my question.

[Bbarnard998]

I have severe adhd and add but I’m also a pediatric psych nurse In a residential treatment center. I can’t stress counseling enough. The adhd is just the tip of the iceberg, and honestly may not be the problem at all. Babies who are even adopted straight from the hospital have trauma issues even though they never knew their birth mother. They lived inside of her for 9 months. If she was being abused, scared, traumatized, the hormones her body released were also released into the unborn baby. Adoptive parents often feel guilty and bewildered when their child starts showing problems. Be proactive, get counseling for you and for your twins .

[Boymom3 in reply to Bbarnard998]

We are doing counseling. Is there anything specific I should ask the counselor to address. I’ve told him my concerns. He says focus on long game, Don’t think I can “fix” him. I feel like I tell him the stuff he’s done that week and he talks to him about that. He wants me to increase his emotional vocabulary which is challenging bc it’s so hard to communicate with him 😩.

[Pennywink in reply to Boymom3]

Maybe you are trying this, or isn't relevant, but thought I'd suggest: my son does much better if I can bring things into his visual field. Even just putting up a hand when saying "stop" is much more effective at stopping him that saying "stop" alone. We've also used "How Am I feeling today?" emoji-like faces, so he can post his mood, or have a chart of facial emoji expressions to identify emotions. I also have used facial emoji expressions as a charades type of game. While reading to my son, identifying the emotions of characters during the book (especially a book with pictures) has helped.

Anywho, just a thought that my son communicates easier if I can find a way to add a visual element.