I am wondering about your kids and empathy? There are times when our son does something wrong and will really show NO empathy and I am wondering if his ADHD is impacting this. Later when we talk about it he will express how sorry he is and will try to not do it again, but he shows no empathy at the time and even when he steps away from the situation for a few hours he only sometimes comes back with an apology...
What has been your experience? Do you really feel our kids have empathy and don't express it or do they lack it?
Do you think making them repair the damage will teach them empathy?
Thanks
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Onthemove1971
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Our son was that way also...but as we came to understand that admitting that he may have made a mistake due to impulsive behaviour, outburst, blurting out etc was just an admission to another uh oh I did it again moment, which in reality, many times was out of his control. But upon reflection he was sorry and apologetic for his actions. We have come to discover that their is great remorse but hard to once again admit that I caused a problem again for myself or perhaps the classroom. There was a lot of guilt associates with these feelings that just broke my heart. "Mom I don't know why I did it but it just came out, I couldn't sit still for that long I had to move, I didn't mean to blurt out the answer it just flew out of my mouth lol. I feel the more compassion and empathy we show our children, knowing that in most cases behaviours are a product of the ADHD the better possibilities down the road of maintaining a open , inclusive relationship. Its fair IMHO to say I think this behaviour is something we can discuss in a couple hours for reflection and correction... It is definitely more time consuming and is not "typical" per say ...But the more we start to unravel the nuances of a ADHD brain the more compassion we have for our childrens every days struggles. I get it ....Best wishes R
Thanks so much for your comments. Where I get stuck is I strongly feel empathy must come before repairing what they do wrong. We have to hold them accountable for things they do wrong and to repair it they have to say or show they are sorry and I worry that it is not there. For example for a phase our son was breaking light switch plastic covers.. he would get mad a hit them way to hard because he was angry about something he was not allowed to do. So when it happens, I talk with him about it and ask if he is sorry for his actions and then make him pay to replace it.. I really want to hold him accountable for his actions and have him repair what he did wrong ( it might not always be $). I feel that is how he learns.
But there always feels like he is doing something wrong.
Hello Onthemove1971, a few years ago I paid several hundred dollars to paint my son's room. Each time he would have a tantrum, he would scratch the paint off his walls. It is now horrendous looking. I refuse to have it re-painted. When visitors come and ask about the walls I let them know he did it. I too experience him not having remorse for his poor behavior, smart mouth comments or hurting others feelings. He seems to forget the bad behavior, rarely apologizes and acts like nothing ever happened. I honestly believe the ADHD is to blame for this lack of empathy.
Thank you so much. I will not excuse the behavior, but want empathy so he can repair the damage he has caused. Now that he is kinda working I will take all that money to pay for things he has damaged so he can learn his bad behavior will cost him.
I was just talking to my husband about this today. I have one that moves as slow as he can getting ready to leave in the mornings on purpose. I set a timer for 15 minutes to be dressed and at table. Otherwise no breakfast. He will watch the timer and try to make it at the very last minute or just not try at all. I try so hard not to show I’m upset, but when he knows I’m upset, he smiles or laughs or is very smug. He breaks things on purpose for fun and when he’s angry and I make him pay Or show retribution. I don’t want him to use ADHD as an excuse. He apologizes later but it doesn’t always seem sincere. His counselor told me that it is important to make sure there are consequences. They may not change behavior 😩 but he still needs to learn that his actions have consequences. He also said to teach him about how his actions effect others. Talk to him, during calm moments, about how he would feel if someone treated him that way. Golden rule. The conversation will need to be repeated A LOT. I think we should show empathy to them and model empathy, but be discerning. Sometimes they are just trying to get attention and they have to learn that life isn’t always fair or fun but you can’t just sit around and have a pity party and behave like an animal. When they are adults and trying to hold down jobs and have families, no one is going to let that stuff slide bc they have ADHD. They’ll get fired, relationships will suffer. I have to remind myself that I can’t “fix” him as much as I’d like to. Counselor said to think long game. Stay consistent, be positive and affirming every time they do something right, give consequences, pray for him and with him.
Sorry if this is rambling. I hope my point came across somewhere. We had a rough morning...😊 stay strong 👊🏻
I dunno, that's a tough one. I do think they feel it, but their impulsive desires over-rides any empathy feelings. Of course after the battle they look upon the field and see the destruction and damage they have caused and feel bad. I hope. OR, we need to start teaching them 'the code'. (sorry sick Dexter reference)
I don't have any advice or insight. I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.
I think the most frustrating thing is that no one can tell you what causes it or how to fix it. We have wondered if our son has a personality disorder that causes some of the behavior we see but we don't know.
I agree that a child needs empathy in order to repair wrongs. The scary part is when your child sees no wrong or isn't willing to accept the wrong. If an apology doesn't connect to empathy, then it is just empty words.
Try to stay hopeful and keep reinforcing accountability and empathy!
I think all my children show some kind of empathy when they've done something wrong or hurtful or damaging property. The one child I highly suspect has ADHD doesn't always see it right off, though. I wait until I see he's at a teachable moment, when he is more calm and less wild, and use that opportunity to talk with him, briefly, about why what he's done is wrong and how other people might feel about it. As I think about your post, I wonder if part of repairing the damage might be a point at which your child might learn empathy. Would he feel his own hurt at losing his money or time and be able to use that to understand how others might feel at losing whatever he might have damaged?
My son typically has a lot of empathy - this is the boy who begs me not to kill flies and cried during the "5 Little Ducks" song at storytime. However, he has his moments.
For me, his lack of empathy seems to hit when he is hyperfocused on something else. Usually his impulsivity is also just another form of hyperfocus - he's so mentally fixed on something that foresight & awareness don't always kick in. Once his mind is out of that space, he usually feels very bad & guilty. Typically he shows remorse, but other times he is embarrassed by his behavior (and wants to dodge punishment) & tries to shut it off. Talking him through things when he is in the right mental place is typically the best we can do. We also have him make amends, but talk through it / have him make some choices in that regard versus laying out an edict, if possible. Depending on the negative action, we may do a reenactment, but this time with the appropriate choices. But sometimes we just don't get there, at which point we tell him how he will make amends.
I'm not sure if this is the ideal way to handle things, but it's what we are doing for now.
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