Hi all. I am new here my name is Lisa and I am a stepmom to a 9.5yr old with ADHD. My SS was diagnosed in early 2017 and it's been an intense time. Lately with my SS he has become more defiant, refuses to listen to any rules or instructions and I know most will say that's the illness but he is supposedly one of the best behaved kids -at school. And why bc they are always rewarding the kids which he responds to. However I dont think this should be the only thing that gets any child to do things. It seems he is getting worse in areas that should be improving even with the ADHD. They say the impulsively and other factors tend to slow down by this age and with him it's going backwards. He seems to only ever do things if he knows he is getting something in return - very selfish, self-rewarding behavior and he was like this before he was diagnosed. The type of kid that would laugh at you if you hurt yourself but cry over the smallest things himself bc he doesn't understand emotions, feelings or have empathy for others. What should we do? Any therapies or resources anyone has tried that have helped their kids to take accountability for their behavior that have helped them improve and to help get them to understand things better? He is also the kid that will tell you something he overheard a week ago but will say he doesnt remember the instructions you told him and spoke about everyday for a month. In school he does remember things really well and even there he tries to take shortcuts also to see what he can get away with as per his teachers so I know he is capable of listening and remembering. Any advice would be great! Thanks for listening.
Stressed & Need Advice: Hi all. I am... - CHADD's ADHD Pare...
Stressed & Need Advice
Thanks for sharing your situation.
A few things... ADHD is not an illness. It is not something that kids/adult catch. It is a Neuro-developmental condition.
One thing that I learned quickly is to try not to compare our child to Neuro-typically children. Children with ADHD are usually about 2 years younger in maturity level.
It sounds like your SS is not taking medication?
Children with ADHD usually do best with medication, therapy and an educational plan.
Children with ADHD are not trying to be bad or do wrong.
It is important to understand children with ADHD work off a effort/reward system. They are always thinking about how much effort do they put in for what kind of pay off so they get. If they have to put in a lot of effort with a little pay off they will back off.
The correct dose, type and timing of medication helps to decrease impulsive behavior and helps them not hyper focus on things of interest.
Hope this helps to understand issues that are going on with him.
Good luck in learning to be supportive.
Thank you! I understand what you mean by that and yes I do know it is a disorder but it is also classified as a mental illness which is the direction I was speaking from in regards to neurological terms. Not in terms of illness as something you catch and can cure. Would no way try to imply that.
In addition he is medicated and has been since his diagnosis and has been through multiple types until we found the one that works the best. I do understand and know they work best on a reward system however my point was that lately he is only responding to rewards/refusing the most basic requests, instructions etc and that was never the case. He is emotionally and socially very immature but again another symptom of ADHD. Not being in school has not helped but this started months prior so something else is contributing to these changes. We are just trying to figure it out.
Maybe simple growing pains?
Definitely not comparing him to a NT child. What I wanted to understand and get insight into / resources for is how to work with him / see what strategies or therapies others have used in addition to just reward therapy to get their ADHD child to communicate verbally, attempt to teach and learn things like accountability and to try and help with the everyday impulse and irritability symptoms when faced with things they don't like.
Thank you for your reply and the info!! Extremely grateful!
Thanks for the response, I have never seen ADHD classified as a mental illnes... hmmm.
I wonder if you guys are getting support from a psychiatrist?
What about thearpy? It sounds like these issues are behavior related. Social stories are a great way to show him what is needed from him.
What I have found is we will have X issue then our son will mature, X will go away and now we have to deal with Y.
Just know this is a journey with ups and downs.
Thearpy has been great for our son becuase we discuss things we are dealing with.
Good luck.
Check out the ADDitude website. The webinars are great, as are the articles. Defiance often crops up when kids are feeling like they are always in trouble. When our son was younger, we had bouts of this. It's hard. When we noticed this downward spiral, we made certain to spend designated time everyday listening, playing and following his lead without questioning or directing. We made a point of picking one area to "work on" rewarding heavily for it, using logical consequence as disincentive for it and walking away/purposefully not giving attention to all other annoying behaviors. Positive reinforcement, planned ignoring, and our empathy when logical consequences occur work way better than punishment for our kids.
If you haven't been already, check that you have a fairly predictable routine with built in reinforcers. It helps kids be more successful when they can follow a schedule. Throughout the day we have reinforcers built in. Once up, clean, dressed, he can enjoy breakfast. Once chores done, 60 minutes of gaming, once math done, family game time, etc. The schedule is flexible but predictable. It reduces the need to nag. It is self reinforcing, so it provides its own incentive. As far as wanting to help on his own volition, I'm not sure he is at the age of maturity for that yet. The memory issues you noted are pure ADD. Our kids often have great memory for things in the past. It's working memory --immediate recall--that trips them up. Teach him how to make notes for himself or how to create routines so that it becomes habit, checklists that he can use are good. Teach the skills that he needs to overcome the deficit. Try to remember that what often looks like purposeful behavior really isn't. All kids do well, if they can. All kids want to be praised and loved.
Check out Russell Barkley's books or talks on YouTube. Great ideas on managing behavior. Also check out Ross Greene: livesinthebalance.org/.
Oo we do all this lol. I am the routine / schedule nut in my house bc I know its what is needed. I love ADDitude prob have 200+ items bookmarked as well as vertwellfamily and parents.com. He is on a year round schedule from the time he gets up to his bedtime routine. We just changed this as recommended by his doctor to help with the sleeping issues associated with this.
Also do the consequence and not punishment scenario. The only time that would be is if he physically were to harm himself, someone else or the pets. Things are outlined before, we ask if he understands what is being asked of him, what the consequence is etc. Also focus one thing at a time.
I was afraid of the immaturity thing to come up. He is prob of the age of a 6-7yr old even though he is close to 10. If we were to even suggest he take notes or write down things so he can remember them for next time that in itself would be an issue because he does not like to write and will try to avoid doing it(even an issue with school notes and he is good with school/ academically). In school he likes to compete with his classmates but at home he doesnt have that so that is affecting him right now as well. Even if we say he will be rewarded bc I had a reward chart for very basic everyday things & he still was having a very hard time to earn the rewards. And every week I was making it easier to get there but the fact that he had to do work to get it seemed to annoy and frustrate him. It's like he has to be tricked into doing work but still know he will get a reward. If he sees there is work to be done the wheels turn & he decides it isnt worth it.
Love. Love. Love. Thank you for these other resources I will definitely be checking them out!!!!!
It sounds like you are really working hard to help him be successful. You have done great resources and you have a schedule and use positive reinforcement. Maybe just a little tweaking might help? We have found that our son has a hard time with perspective taking--not emotional empathy, he's very caring--but being able to recognize what some one else would like or how actions affect another's feelings. Do you think that could be a weakness? Until that area is stronger, we really do have to use reinforcement. Without naturally wanting to do what is asked to please (perspective taking) and finding the task undesirable, you're left with helping him find the task desirable lol! So I guess that would be either through incentiving it's completion or helping him understand it's importance. Maybe reconsider the reinforcers (are they what you observe him doing or wanting in his free time?) and make sure he is earning (first this, then that) instead of just getting all of the things he normally enjoys. At various times when we have struggled with a behavior we also used a marble jar for a reward to catch him whenever he did the desired behavior(s) that we wanted to see more of. That was pure "reward" like a treat, a trip, an ice cream, etc. But for every day, controlling the reinforcers (things he normally does for pleasure) is key. If perspective taking is an issue, there are resources to work on it too. Mostly on pragmatic speech websites like Social Thinking. Does he take guanfacine? The combination of guanfacine and a stimulant can be very helpful for kids who lean toward anxious/irritable.
This sounds a lot like my son. He would probably need some of the same therapies to help get him to understand the importance of why we do things.
Most times before we even start a task or have a conversation we explain in his terms the why and then ask of he understands has questions.
I will look into that website and the guanfacine. See what other strategies/ ways to reward might work with him.
Thanks so much!!
My son is going to see his new counsekor this week I am going to try him on cognitive behavior therepy I hope it works. I would look into getting him some counseling
I just wanted to say I also struggle to throw a parade every time a dish gets to the sink! It is not natural for me and I sometimes wonder if all the praise and rewarded activities are sustainable (or appropriate as a family with other kids). It's a tough balance!
I agree!!! Who can do this? This is not life and we try to explain in an ADHD way of course that life does not work like this. We want him to know that there will not always be rewards for the work he is expected to do. Even the schools can not maintain this. And yes he will be expected to do things even if he does not like them. He very much does not understand or like hearing this probably the worst part of his ADHD. The difference in his effort and attitude when he knows he will be praised or get a sticker or toy for doing what he needs to versus when he doesnt receive these things is night and day. I personally do not think it is realistic to do things like this 100% of the time because we will never teach them other techniques skills to learn how to do things without expecting anything more than that they will learn something new. I always imagine my SS as an adult with a job. How will that go?
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