I know many of us are in this boat. We started 6th grade at a new school where my son doesn’t know one kid. Even when he knows kids, friendships are a struggle. It’s so hard as a parent watching this and knowing he feels sad and lonely and wonders why he doesn’t have friends (he has ADHD combined type and high functioning autism).
What do you tell your kids to help them get through this? Thanks!
I feel this one so much. Our son has similar diagnoses and is in 8th grade. I have always been more bothered by his lack of friendships than he has, so there is a bit of comfort there. Things get better with maturity and practice. We try to encourage him to follow his interests and get him involved in clubs or projects, in school or online or in community, where he can meet others with similar interests. We also try to push the school to offer structured lunch programming (adult led students interactive games, etc.) and other opportunities where adults provide some support to enable kids who need those social skill training wheels to get their toes wet successfully. There are plenty of other kids sitting alone at lunch who would benefit! Speech teachers are also helpful in teaching pragmatic language learning like the mental idea of creating a friendship file on a person so you know what to ask them about when you see them—stuff most kids get intuitively. It’s a balancing act between acceptance, encouragement, and skill teaching. Regarding the last of these, a great resource is here: umaine.edu/autisminstitute/.... It is a free online friendship skills class.
Thank you for posting this! I posted something similar a few weeks ago and only received information without a lot of emotional support, which kinda sucked. My daughter is going into 5th grade and is really struggling with friends as well. It hurts my heart so much, especially since I am watching her self esteem fade away as she wonders why she doesn't have friends. I am stepping up and getting more involved in an attempt to teach her some social skills--I'm realizing I should have done this years ago but she didn't seem to struggle at all. I guess as kids settle down and develop the ability to really pay attention to each other, her limitations with this are starting to show. We are talking about this--about how the way her brain functions makes it hard to pay attention to people or to be flexible with what she wants to do. It's hard--she does not like hearing this, especially since she is such a kind and loving person who really wants to be a good friend to others. We talk about the difference between the heart and the head--how her heart feels and how her brain works. We make a plan before every interaction (school day, playdate) about what friend she wants to reach out to, what she wants to focus on with her friend, what she will do if/when they have different ideas for play. I linger closer than I have in the past so that she can come to me when she is feeling hurt or overwhelmed and we can work on it together. And I am proactive with her teachers and the school counselor to help her make connections and get into groups at school. She's pretty good in the classroom, but it's the playground and the bus where things get crazy. I'm trying to be willing to drive her to school this year if the bus continues to be a problem and to talk to the recess monitors as well.
Mainly I want to say that I hear you and my heart hurts for you and your son as well. Our culture seems to operate on the Darwinian "survival of the fittest" approach when it comes to kids and friendship. I have neighbors who say "They will figure it out" in response to every hard situation, and I think "Or they won't, and grow into people full of hate and anger, kids who commit suicide or kill others." It's not just our kids who need help learning how to be a good friend, but it is often only our kids who actually get the help they need to learn the skills.
Yes, thank you. My exact thoughts when hearing “they will figure it out,” and concerned about suicide as I’ve also heard ages 10-14 is actually the highest rate of suicide. I also need to make it more of a point to work on social skills and this is great advice to talk about how the heart feels and the brain works. Thank you.
Great post. Thanks for what you said. How are you getting more involved to teach social skills? My 6yo son is showing hesitancy in connecting with peers when he didn't have any hesitation when he was younger. I agree that the more they are aware the more they may be anxious. Any feedback will be helpful. Thanks
Honestly, I’m still trying to figure this out. I need to figure out ways at home to work on his social skills. I’m also reaching out to the school counselor for help and trying to find places to get him involved. He’s going to start attending a youth group at church and we are hoping for some opportunities with clubs at school. Our son was also very social and engaging as a toddler and now has difficulties connecting with his peers.
Thanks for sharing. We're hoping that with time, routine, and familiarity with school the social aspects will become more comfortable.
I am focusing my energy on helping her consider possibilities. She is almost 11, so this is more possible for her. Who do you want to play with today? What will you do if they don't want to do your activity? What can you say? What can you do if you get hurt or upset? Where and when can you be flexible? When she was younger, I hovered at play dates and stepped in to help her share, swap being the one who gets to choose what to play, etc. I've also had a meeting with the new school counselor and her teachers to help her feel like she has some allies who want to help her figure things out. It's so hard! Today is the first day of school and my stomach is in knots!
I hear ya. I live in Arizona and school starts at beginning of Aug. So we've been in for a few weeks now. First days are hard. Good for you for making the adjustment. It's hard not to be a hovering parent. I never thought I'd be either, but I am. I need to step back and let him learn and make his own mistakes. Not easy. Good luck and I hope she has a good start to the school year.
My son is 10 years old, starting 5th grade and has similar social challenges. It is really heartbreaking. And for me it adds to my mental load/chronic exhaustion/overwhelm, feeling like I should be spending more of my virtually nonexistent discretionary time to work on this problem. 
Talking to my therapist helps me cope with my own feelings and frustrations, and she often has specific suggestions. Eg, she says given the opportunity/resources, splurge on would-be friends at your house (eg, over the top ice cream sundae bar). She says that good experiences and familiarity with our family can help when things get tense at school.
There was a neighbor who was visiting quite often, but I suspected he didn’t really like my son that much —- then I learned that he didn’t have video games at his house, and was allowed 1 hour at our place! My therapist said, that’s totally fine, better than fine, keep encouraging it.
I have tried to expose my son to new activities where he might meet friends outside of school, but he is pretty resistant. He’s not interested in sports. He seems to get along better with people who are older or younger vs peers.
We have been lucky to meet a babysitter who is neurodiverse, and really genuinely likes and “gets” my son. They do art together and have a super close relationship. Our 2 year old nephew worships my son, and strongly prefers our 10yo to our much more easygoing, NT 6 yo son. Also we have 2 cats who my 10yo really enjoys (classic support and unconditional love!). I try to pump up his esteem, saying things like, wow, Cousin really loves you! You are so gentle with him, etc.
My son and I talk directly about how he feels he doesn’t have friends who want to hang out with him, “because he’s different” (his words). I tell him (true story) that I didn’t meet the best friends of my heart until college, and sometimes that’s how it is. I say things like, “you are so interesting, and creative, and funny- kids may not appreciate you now, but trust me, you will find your people!” I just try to stay connected and close to him so he has a soft place to share his feelings and disappointments. (Although tbh most days I really want to hide in a closet and scroll TikTok)
So I guess I try to focus on building his confidence in other ways, and have faith that the friend stuff will come later.
P.S. Totally agree on the structured, adult-led activities at recess - was soooo helpful for our kid when the PE teacher ran a kickball game. Sadly it seems like things are likely to get more challenging at school, due to teacher shortage, lack of funding for support staff, etc.
Take care - it’s rough out there but you are not alone ❤️
Thank you. Wow, we sound so similar and for a couple of years now I think I’ve needed my own therapist to help me through this. Our son also gets along better with older or younger, his neurodiverse tutor we had is one of his closest friends, we’ve expanded to 3 cats last year, and my best friendships happened in college! Good reminder to continue to help build his confidence, thanks! School clubs will be announced in a couple of weeks so we are hoping he will get involved in at least one.
My son doesn’t have ASD diagnosis but he’s socially I’d say ‘delayed’ in comparison with his peers, I think because he’s got such severe ADHD, also dyspraxia and also he has speech impairment, basically a bit of an ‘odd ball’. Luckily he loves sports even though he’s not good at them and has to practice 100 times more than other kids- and I found that group sports participation helps kids also with the social skills.
I found that signing him to clubs, sports, groups etc outside of school helps. He’s in Scouts and loves going away on camps etc. He also does after school and weekend sports where he can mix with other kids. He does cricket, football, Karate, tennis (but also in a group of kids, not one to one) and this helps him to feel that he’s included. He also does holiday sports clubs where he’s with the kids all day.
I found that me making friends with other mums and facilitating ‘friendships’ for him also helps but he’s younger so it doesn’t apply in a secondary school…
Have you thought of singing your son to a club where he could find friends. For example chess club etc.
I explain how their brains work and work to teach my son conversation skills. He is terrible about monologues. Its sad to watch as a parent but you are not alone.
Our little one is only 7yrs old and know soon we’ll be in your shoes.
What we’ve done in the school setting is:
1) Make goodie bags or small gifts at the beginning and end of the school year.
2) Provide a treat (pizza, ice cream or cupcakes) for the class on an unexpected day. Just be sure to plan it with the teacher.
What we’ve done outside the school setting.
1) Exchanged numbers with the parents of children he has played well at the park.
2) We’ve signed him up for activities he’s shown interest in, which has helped him make friends with the same interests.
Hope this helps.🥰
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Morning Struggles With Young Son
