I am part of the problem

[Formyson8]

My son is 7 with adhd. I am feeling like I am part of the problem. Even when my son finds a way to control his emotions I don’t celebrate the breakthrough. I still get upset because I hate that he is in this position in the first place. The other day he was outside playing with the neighborhood kids all day. We then had a bbq with all the neighbors. He got upset by a situation with some kids and went to his room and locked the door. I did a good job this time and gave him his space. After 30 minutes he came outside and played with the kids again like nothing happened. I should be celebrating. He did what he is supposed to, he controlled his emotions and didn’t have an outburst. I should have been overjoyed and seen it as a breakthrough. I think I am just wound up so tight that I can’t relax in these situations.

[anymusic]

By what you write:

- be proud of yourself that you gave him his space the other day! 👍🏻

- have you tried some form of compassion meditation? If not give it a try!?

- go tell him about this situation and give your positive feedback! 😊

Be kind to yourself! Always!

[Parentingishardwork]

hi Formyson8 . I just want to say it’s ok to feel like this. It’s part of the learning process for us as parents.

I’ve struggled for a long time to come to terms with the fact that my 8 year old boy is not the boy that I thought I was going to have when I found out I was going to be a dad.

I see all the other dads doing normal stuff with their kids and get angry/sad/frustrated and generally feel sorry for myself at times as I brace myself for the next outburst or eruption over the smallest thing.

It’s been a journey for me and I’m definitely coping better, but as we all know there are good days with the bad.

Just keep loving him and try your best. It’s all you can do.

And be kind to yourself as well. It’s a hard, hard job and you are doing ok 👍

[TaterToes43]

It's never to late to celebrate!

I struggle with recognizing when my daughters (8 & 5) need space all the time and I've gotten much better about celebrating triumphs vs punishing negative behaviors.

It's awesome that your son recognized that he needed to take some time to recenter. Telling him you are proud that he recognized that need and acted on it in a responsible and safe manner is just as powerful and important the next day as it is in the moment.

[Trying1978]

Dude! I never post on here anymore, as life has seriously been kicking my personal and professional butt. That being said, you sound like you are doing great. Really. I ended up getting super-upset in front of my two younger kiddos last night and I was so mad at myself, like come on, man, this is year 3 of this--you should know better: take a step back. I think feeling uptight is better than showing frustration!

I have been having a very hard time with this issue myself lately with my kiddos, especially the ADHD ones (8 yo, 10 yo). It even flows over to our 4 yo., where I start "being" less and feeling more removed from everything all the time because I'm running parenting workshop/social skills/CBTish exercises in my head. Trying to regulate my own self, I find that I find myself artificially doing what I would naturally do to avoid overreacting negatively. Hope that helps and or makes sense, but I have had that feeling many times. (Hopefully, I'm on the mark here and not just rambling about me for my 1st post in months.) Hang in there!

[Mamamichl]

it’s never too late to celebrate it. Take him to ice cream today and tell him you’re proud!

[Otter1313]

Thank you so much for this post. I spend half my life feeling guilty about my own impatience, outbursts, and lack of celebrating victories with my daughter. It’s comforting to know that others out there are struggling too.

Everyone likes to focus on the solutions and how we can help our kids and ourselves. Sometimes we just need to give ourselves a little grace, take a deep breath, and try to do better next time.

We’re all human. It’s okay.

[Lizzybelle66]

I, too, struggle with this…my son is 18 now and a senior in HS. Historically, we have had a hard time celebrating his efforts because it’s literally one thing or another. He has been a tough kid to parent and traditional parenting methods that we expect to work don’t work. It’s a battle of wills and always has been. It doesn’t help that my husband and son are basically carbon copies of each other.

We need to learn compassion for ourselves and to be able to celebrate our “wins” no matter how small. It builds their confidence, and hopefully they can learn from these moments.

I can now see where we could have done things differently as parents when he was younger. It’s really hard when you’re in the midst of it all.

[PapaEsteban in reply to Lizzybelle66]

I have a very challenging 13 year old daughter and am in a similar place. Appreciate you posting! Helpful to hear others who are also struggling.

[Uptowngirl12121]

Add me to the list of parents who are in that nasty cycle of not relaxing, can't celebrate the small wins, etc. I have said many times self-care does help.

Now I know what you're thinking....when is THAT supposed to happen? Yes, this is the challenge. It has taken me years to find small moments and treat it as self care. But you must, for the children's sake and yours as well.

Can you get a small moment of care on the way to pick the kiddos up or right after you drop them off or after bedtime if not too exhausted? It's crazy but sometimes that small re-set is what you need to handle the next unexpected moment. I buy that coffee, listen to my favs on spotify, or take a walk somewhere beautiful and treat it as my self care moment.

I have also begun to mentally manifest my own behavior by visualizing how I will speak, talk, react. When nothing's going on I "see" myself being calm in my interactions with my child. It's a great effort but I now react badly 50% less than before. I am not where I want to be but I am better. I also have 2 friends that are role models with unflappable personalities. Sometimes I think "wwmfd" -- 'what would my friend do' and I try to respond the way they would - using a calm voice, etc.

These are some of my tricks that I hope will begin to stick permanently for me. I'm a work in progress but there is progress.

[MinnMom]

It's never too late to go back and celebrate AND apologizing to your kids when you don't behave the way you want to helps strengthen the relationship and connection. I've noticed the fruits of that labor a bit more just in the last six months (my son is 13.5 years). I, too, wish I could go back and reparent my kiddo those early years when I didn't know what was going on. I've learned so much listening to the Tilt Parenting podcast.