Online

[Copr66]

I have a 12yr old son who is lately taking our debit cards and using it to buy games online we also saw how he gave this information to someone he met online. Its under investigation now to see who this person is. We took phones, tablets and anything he can use to go online. any time we do this he gets aggressive towards me and it hurts that your child will hit you because of something that is harmful for himself. He mutes himself and wont tell us who he gives information to or who texts on the phone. he locked the phone with a pin # that we don't know and he wont tell. He currently takes Focalin in the morning and at noon to keep him focused at school and so that he can do homework when he gets home and also takes a med to help him go to sleep. But lately he doesn't want to take the night pill because he says he don't need it and sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night to eat. I'm stressed with all of this happening and don't know what else to do to keep him busy and not bored like he says he is all the time. He doesn't like to watch tv or like any sports.

[Pennywink]

Wow - I’m sorry to hear you are going through all this. How stressful!!

Is he sneaky or aggressive while his medication is active, or when it wears off?

Kids can get aggressive when a privilege or something they really want is taken away. But give it time (like a week or two) & don’t give in, and they will usually adjust & calm down. Can your phone plan provider or phone manufacturer help with unlocking a pin?

Some people here may advise against this, and it may depend on each child, but at my house it works best to let them be bored. Boredom is where creativity begins. I’m not the activities director, and I want them to learn how to handle boredom & become creative without always relying on media or someone else to entertain them. They are kids - they are designed to play & be creative. If they complain to me that they are bored, I give them a chore. That being said, I do make sure we spend some time connecting each day - doing something positive together, reading a book, family movie night, or just talking before bed. Re-establishing our connection everyday really helps - especially on the days when it is really hard.

Hopefully things start getting better!

(rckline01)

[Onthemove1971]

Pennywink-

It is so hard to watch children do these things to us and not feel pain. A big part of having ADHD ( good and bad) is the focused drive. As an adult this can help them in many ways but when they are a child it really can hurt them.

Please try to stay focused on the consequence you set and not the behavior they display. This focus drive can be on anything and clearly gaming is your sons focus. They will stop at nothing when they want something.

One thing I would suggest is that you lock up your personal belonging so that he is not tempted to use them for his pleasure. Then set clear rules that are reasonable and short term so he can learn. Often the punishment hurts us more than them.

Also, when things get heated just tell him you need time and go lock yourself in your room.

When things are bad between our son and I, I try to think about where will we be when he is off at college and he has his own life? How can I prepare him for those realities.. This helps me a lot.

Big hugs it will get better .

[Pennywink in reply to Onthemove1971]

Good advice - though I’m not the OP. 😊

(FYI, this is rckline- I just changed my username to one I prefer to use online.)

[Hidden]

Agree. Lock everything up and stick to your guns. When I took internet and phone away from my daughter it took about four days and then we were good. Go do things with him so he is distracted. Yep, he's going to be upset, but YOU are in control here and he needs to know it. HUGS, we're all here to support you! Also, I know it's hard, but he doesn't get to decide what medications he takes, I know, I have heard stories, but again, you are STRONG and IN CHARGE....

[janaq]

So sorry this is happening to you. These kids are gonna drive us crazy

[Hidden]

Do you have a BSC , Case Manager, or Mobile therapist that comes to your home? They can be a great resource at times like this? Also you may want to read up on ADHD and puberty. It seems to be a very rough time for parents with boys who have this diagnosis. I wish you luck and strenth

[anirush]

I have had this problem with my grandson when he is unstable. Besides his intuniv we have him on Welbutrin. A lot of his anger was due to depression and stimulants made it worse. We also see a behavioral counselor to work out problems like this. It took a while before he would open up to her but he has a good relationship with her now.

He can earn game cards that you can buy at the store if his grades are good or we don't have any behavior problems for a week. This has worked out well.

But he can't have a debit card attached to his game. He is still very impulsive and if he really wants something he will just buy it without asking.

You should be able to cancel your cards so they are no longer available for his use or anyone else's. My bank refunded stolen funds from another user without having to know who they were when we couldn't find out.

He sadly probably thinks he is protecting a friend that he gave that card number to. Teens have a weird sense of loyalty to people like that.

[MyKindofSpecial]

I have a 12 year old son as well. He is on focalin as well. It makes him not eat lunch and is starving late at night. He gets up in the middle of the night and eats as well. Aside from that, I also had an ordeal with him purchasing games. We got through that, but battle with bad grades due to missing homework. My solution was to take his electronics away. I got him an acoustic guitar as well as an electric guitar for Christmas. Without his games he is learning to play the keyboard, and both guitars at warp speed. It is incredible! He had learned songs like Crazy Train, Eruption, and Thunder Struck in the last 3 months. I gave him his tablet back to watch YouTube videos to teach himself the cords. I take it away when he isn't using his guitar. I tell you all of this to suggest a musical instrument for your son. He may take to it like my son did. It is worth a try! Good luck to you!!

[Onthemove1971 in reply to MyKindofSpecial]

Thanks for your comments. Our son is super good at musical instruments. He also looks up songs and how to play them and with little effort he can play a new song.

[ScatteredMommy]

First {{hugs}} -- As always you know your child best, so take what you need and leave the rest.

Most boys with combined or primary hyperactive ADHD have stolen something on impulse. I was lucky that my son was younger when he did. I made a very big deal about how stealing hurts someone and how I expected more of him because I know he would never want to hurt someone. I had him apologize to those affected. I had him use his christmas and birthday money to payback the value of what was stolen. And then I had him perform acts of service on top of that. I also talked to him about trust and how it is freely given but hard to earn back once broken. He was young enough to hear what I was saying, and I hope he remembers it as he moves into puberty and teen years. Maybe some version of that can reach your son.

My son really likes games too. We have him on a wallet system on his PS4 where I put money in his "wallet" and then he buys from that. Kind of a new fangled allowance. It keeps him from having access to my card info and really even know which card would work. He also knows that I have the master password for the PS4 and could lock him out if needed. If he put a lock code on his phone and would not give it to me he knows that I can and would have the whole thing wiped. I have his texts and emails ghosted to me and he has always known it. He knows that I don't read everything but I will occasionally read something and ask him about it. He also knows that I sincerely don't want to take anything away from him, but would if I felt it in his best interest.

We have not had aggression issues since we got on a medication that works for him, you might want to revisit his meds with his child psychiatrist.

I totally agree with the music comments. I just enrolled my son in guitar lessons and he loves it. Any way you can give your kid a creative outlet would be great, since creativity is one of the bonus sides of ADHD.

And lastly {{hugs}} -- As always you know your child best, so take what you need and leave the rest.

[reg2018]

It's super hard when dealing with kids who are agressive. It's hard to be consistent when you know or fear what will happen and yet you still have to try. I've been there. I agree with what others have said about locking up valuables and I'd also add that I require my kids to always tell me their pin #'s.

That's non-negotiable. I have to have full access to devices or they don't get to use them. Devices are a privilege, not a right.

Good luck!