Hey everyone! I'm back for more advice. My 16 year old ADHD son has the worst time getting up in the morning. I wake him up about 4 times before I leave which ends with me snatching the covers off of him and sometimes squirting him in the face with a water bottle. He has an old school GM alarm clock with the most annoying alarm set to high. Of course I don't start with the water and cover snatching, I start with the typical..."time to get up" for about 3 or 4 times until it is crunch time and I resort to the other methods. He wakes up a little, says some things, and usually doesn't even remember any conversations we have had. I tell him to physically get out of the bed, he has an argument saying he is awake, and he can just go back to bed when I leave (which is true. he is argumentative by nature and doesn't understand the appropriate time to prove a point.) I don't want to drag him out of bed, and I probably couldn't anyway without a tussle. I have to leave for work and he usually sleeps til about 10 before waking up and getting to school. It is a real problem that I'm completely fed up with.
Does he have a decent bedtime? Most of the time.
Does he take any sleep aids? He sometimes takes melatonin and magnesium. Helps him get to sleep but still can't seem to wake up.
Does he have any motivation to get up since he doesn't really care for school? Yes! He is grounded when he is late for school. He wants to hang out with buddies on the weekend.
I'm at the point where I want to get a blowhorn. I'm tired of dealing with it and don't know what to do.
Does anyone else experience this with their kids and what helped? Thanks!
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spookyscaryskeletons
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I don’t have experience with this but will say that switching our home internet to a Deco router with parental controls was a game changer in our house. Screens are just too tempting!
Have you tried that alarm clock on wheels that runs away from you? A friend’s son has an alarm with flashing flights that also shakes the bed that she got him on Amazon. But his issue was with sleeping through alarms, so maybe a bit different. Hopefully others will have ideas!
Thank you! My son sleeps through the alarms too, so it wouldn't matter if it runs away lol. I just purchased the alarm that shakes the bed, so we will see.
Agree- if screens are in his room, that is likely the main issue. Easier said than done to break that cycle but critical for his health and well-being. Good luck!
Thanks for bringing this message to the group, I am sure another member is going through a similar issue. A few things to think about:
I love Aspen797's advice, eliminate the temptation for any electronics after 8pm, I would not discuss it. Just eliminate it.
Do you think he has sleep issues? Mine gets up a couple times a night to use the restroom. If so talk to his doctor, maybe look into a sleep study.
Also, what tools does he have to help him to cope with his ADHD?
Does he have something to look forward (NOT SCHOOL) every week? Hobbies, exercise, volunteer work, clubs at school. Minus the hanging out with friends.
Does he have therapy to help him cope with ADHD?
Is medication and option...
Our son wears a Garmin watch that vibrates on his wrist and we give him 10min or we assist him, he is often up seconds after it goes off.
What fun things does he have to get up for?
Sorry he is going through this. Also this is such a hard age, they can't express it, but senior year is soon and then they have to be an adult..
Mine was similar up to last year. He is now 20 and has come right.
What helped him is :
Deciding he wants it. Before it was rebellion against me telling him to get up. This is a must. He is doing psychology this year and tells me he thinks he had oppositional defiant disorder.
Self avoidance of screens .
Getting out for a walk in the night sun early in the morning to reset body clock.
He started taking a clinical dose of Hardys daily essential nutrients with added vitamers, rhodiola rosea, astragalus and ashwagandha.
He is trying to eat plenty of vege and good proteins
Exercise is major help for most people with adhd. It’s getting us to do it to begin with that’s hard 😂. Doing some cardio helps me with my rsd a lot too.
I do sleep stories and music at night to help me get to sleep. Unfortunately my body wakes me up multiple times and I am sometimes awake for hours worrying about all sorts of things. I need to get myself out of my brain to get back TO sleep sometimes. Forcing myself to listen to a story and follow along long enough to get out of my head allows me to get back to sleep. My daughter was prescribed a sleep aid and hunger creator for a short time and it worked.
and have his blood tested for folate, iron, b12 to check he isn’t deficient in anything. He’s in a growth spell so try him on the Hardys DEN just in case he is short of any nutrients.
Issues are quite common with adhd. I find myself easily woken up through the night. Actually just purchased some ear plugs off Amazon yesterday. Melatonin does help sometimes, but it does make me groggy the next day.
Does he online learning? Is there a set time he needs to be at school? Some online learning can be done anytime during the day. Maybe he can do classes in the evening instead? Those tend to work better with people who have adhd.
Some People with adhd seem o do better also with overnight work or swing shift rather than morning because our sleep schedules are… different. It is definitely a chemical imbalance.
Still didn’t get my question answered about them. I’m concerned about the suction feeling that most earplugs have. My ears are super sensitive so I went with the flares this time, but I’ve been looking into the loops too, but there are so many options, I don’t know where to begin.
Before Loop earplugs I used the foam cheap ones. Now I only use loop earplugs and really don't feel like they are in at all. They do nit suction in your ear.
I purchased the extra ring and I took off the plastic part, put the ring down and put the plastic back on. It was ultra quiet, but to much for my ears.
Just the plan loop earplus are amazing!! Best ear plug I have ever used.
In fact I can not feel them in my ear at all. The plastic is very thin and it just fills your ear opening.
If you are curious I am sure there are pictures online. But if you can't find them let me know.
I wonder if I should let our son try them??? They are a little pricey, but worth every penny.
I’ve seen plenty of pictures and review videos comparing different products, especially loops. I think I will be requesting loop ones for Christmas. I say,if something works for you, definitely let kiddo try them out too. However,keep in mind to regulate when and how they use them because they are so easily lost. I wish they would make a buy one get one so if one gets lost, there is a back up.
Hi there, teens sleep cycles are completely different. They are wired to be up later and sleep later in the AM. It may not be your sons will (or lack of will) at all. If you haven’t had him assessed by a sleep specialist, that is one place I would start. My father always had trouble waking in the morning and could sleep through alarms that were set so loud they woke everyone else in the the house. Definitely a case for a sleep specialist. The other might be discussions with a family therapist or if he won’t do that with his therapist to help him think about how he might address the challenge and what he might try. Teens like to set their own rules after all. It’s good to give them some control so they own it.
My daughter has trouble waking in the AM but it doesn’t sound as bad as your situation. When she was taking stimulants, I used to go into her room at 6am and have her take it and then go back to sleep. That was a game changer, she would be up and at breakfast by 7 and out the door to school on time. She stopped taking the stimulants, but is still better at getting up in the AM. She has also experienced school avoidance so our rule is no school, no phone for the day (we have a digital curfew as well). We use the Apple screen time settings and it mostly works for us. We have set it so she can always communicate with me and my husband but no one else and no social media after 11pm or if she doesn’t go to school. The rule holds even if she’s home sick (otherwise she would be “sick” more often). Finally, I have heard that the lights that cast daylight (they can be set with an alarm) can help particularly in darker months. Our situation sounds different from yours but I hope some of this might help.
Oh, one more thing! My daughter’s guidance counselor smartly got an easy class into her schedule for the first block of the day last year so if she was late or missed the first block it wasn’t so big a deal and this year she has the first block free so she can go in an hour later. It might be worth seeing if you can get his class schedule adjusted to suit him better.
I've been having the same issues with my 18yr old son. He doesn't wake up in the morning to go to college and wants to sleep all day. He has zero motivation and refuses to take his medication. He has a defiance behavior and his disrespectful. I understand how all of these takes a toll on you.
Teenagers are almost never biologically in sync with high school start times. Also, one of the symptoms of ADHD is having a hard time with sleep (falling asleep, staying asleep, waking up). Is your kid on medication? ADHD meds make a huge difference. You could try waking him up just enough to give him his medication and then letting him sleep or veg until it kicks in. If he’s already on medication, this would be a good problem to pose to his prescriber. Would he drink a cup of coffee? What’s a positive motivation or reward for going to school? Are you in family therapy? Has this turned into a power struggle with a life of its own? Once my kids became teens, I’ve had a lot more luck partnering with them whenever possible. They just get bigger, smarter and more stubborn - and better at tech 😅 I would also look into whether he has some legitimate reason to not want to go. If school itself is miserable for some reason - academic or social. If your kid is 16, he’s old enough to involved in his own well-being. Have you ever heard of Ross Greene? He does a program called collaborative problem solving. He has a book and YouTube videos. Might be worth a go if direct conflict isn’t yielding results. FWIW, my daughter was exactly like your son down to the grabbing the blankets and splashing the water! Once we expanded our repertoire of tactics things got a lot better and now she turns off the screens when she’s tired and wakes up (sort of) in the morning. Good luck - this is hard!
This may not be popular opinion but have you tried letting him "suffer" the natural consequences of not getting up? You say he has motivation to go to school because he wants to hang out with friends and will get grounded if he is late. Has he actually had to experience this happening more than just once in a blue moon?
If he has an IEP in place at school I would connect with his case manager and teachers to let them know your plan if you do it, that way they can be there to support you. And of course follow through with whatever consequences you have in place.
I don't mean this to sound harsh in any kind of way! But, if he doesn't learn now, what's going to change if he goes off to college or moves out of the house when your not around?
Hello Survivor,I know you don't want to sound harsh and thank you for saying that. I felt I needed to jump in because this is a coming misunderstanding with ADHD. Having them "suffer" the consequences has little to no bearing on their behavior, no matter how bad the consequence is. It makes no sense to the rest of us. How can they not do the easy thing to avoid the really bad thing? But in the moment of decision they can't take the better option even if they know they should. It's hard to explain and sounds like a cop out but the way it has been explained to me is "I tell myself don't look at your phone, over and over and then I am watching myself pick up my phone even though I'm screaming in my head DONT DO THAT! I can't stop. I pick up the phone then immediately set it down. It happens over and over until I'm shaking with rage and want to smash the phone" that is from a young teen and only one example and when they are wide awake. Being comfy in bed makes it that much harder.
ADHDers need more support for longer. Helping them get out of bed is actually the best support because, even though you are helping, they are getting in the habit.
As I learn more and more about how ADHDers experience challenges the more I am convinced that giving support as though they are much younger, setting expectations for a much younger person, while at the same time treating them as their age (so, so challenging and confusing!) is the best way to launch them. Because that balancing act is so challenging having support as the parent, like this group, is invaluable.
BLC89
Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.
Hi! I also am married to someone with adhd and of course my son. I have to disagree with you that this is not an appropriate approach but understand everyone has different ways of parenting and we are all doing what we feel is best.For reference I have taken the parent training through adhd dude Ryan Wexelblatt who is the one who recommends this very approach to kids not getting up. He has extensive knowledge/experience in all things ADHD and I have implemented many of his recommendations through the past year and have seen big improvement in my sons behavior.
Not looking to getting into a back and fourth just wanted to throw that approach out there because I have heard from many parents that this has worked for their families!
I'm so glad you found what works, that's great. You are right, every situation is different and you have to find what works for you. That's the beauty of this place, so many examples of things to try. Thanks for the kind and respectful exchange, another reason this place is great.
Agreed! It's nice to share what worked for everyone and be respectful of eachothers perspectives and stories. What works for one family and their parenting strategy may not work for another.
Omg yes. A nightmare with my 13 yo. Can't go to sleep, then can't get up! I'm going to try the magnesium. She already takes melatonin. Her counselor said get her to bed at 9 and have her read a book until 9.30. But, she does get up at 6.30am for school. And she hates to read, so that probably won't work. But I'm going to try! Prayers and out to ya!
Hello spookyscaryskeletons,I'm sorry you and your son are having this challenge. As you can see from the responses you are not alone. Its a huge challenge for ADHDers when they hit the teen years.
There have been some great suggestions here. I have just a couple to add. Fingers crossed the shaking alarm clock works that would be great. If not or more is needed, I just learned about an alarm that you have to do math to turn off. That gets your brain to wake up and should make it much harder to go back to sleep.
I would suggest not giving 3 or 4 tries before taking the covers and squirting the face. I would give 1 chance then pull out the snatching and squirting. It shortens the time frame for you giving you more time in the morning. Although that may be more time with a grumpy teen just before work. 😬
Once he's up and has been up for a while then if be chooses to go back to bed that is a different issue.
Keep up the good work and know that this will pass, he will figure it out especially with your support. His executive function is 30% behind his age so his consequence gager, time manager, decision maker and organizer are all only 11 ish years old, and that's a really big difference. Set your expectations for an 11 year old and that may help reduce your frustration. It's not easy I know!
Hang in there,
BLC89
Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.
My only other question is: do you think he has good sleep quality? I suspect he, like many teens, and worse with ADHD, is having to arrive at school at a time that’s really out of sync with his natural biology. Wish I had a great solution.
PS As someone who has DREADFUL "revenge bedtime procrastination", the struggle is REAL. Hugs to you and your wonderful son. No amount of natural lessons or consequences (terrible sleep deprivation and daytime misery) have had any effect on mine, unfortunately. I joke with my husband that I need to be given general anesthesia at 9 pm and have it reversed in the morning. Except I'm not totally joking. I hope things improve.
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