Help me get better

[AME428]

I am a dad that is seperated from my son. Him and his mom lives close by so me seeing him is not a problem at times. Because I am not in the house I get blamed for not caring or wanting to help out with my son. When I do get my son he is easily frustrated as I am with his behavior. For a long time I was in denial about ADHD but I am no longer in denial and want help in making him understand that I want a relationship with him. My relationship with my son is not terrible but it is not where I want it to be. Most of the time he hates coming to my house. What are some things I can do to try and start to make things better. Last thing I will get no support from his mother becasue somehow I am the blame and don't do anything even though I am no longer in the house with them. Please give me some stategies or advise on how to fix my relationship with my son.

[Pennywink]

I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation - but it's good to hear you are wanting to work things out with your child!

How old is your son? How long has he been diagnosed? What treatment is he currently undergoing for his ADHD?

I guess my first recommendation is to learn as much as you can about ADHD from reliable sources. Probably my favorite starter book is 'All About ADHD' by Thomas Phelan, followed by anything by Russell Barkley - including a video I'm going to link below.

youtube.com/watch?v=SCAGc-r...(Not working as expected?)

Secondly, I'd look into parent training. Probably any parenting program that focuses on staying calm & being positive, but firm, is going to help. Kids with ADHD really respond better to praise & reward, a swift (though not necessarily severe) consequences, and consistent schedules (so maybe get a daily schedule from your ex-wife and try to stick to what she has in place when he visits you - bedtime, meals, etc.). There's also therapists & workshops that can help - a local children's hospital near me even offers free classes of one of the most successful parent training programs for ADHD kids. Here's an article with more information:

childmind.org/article/choos...

As far as repairing relationships, though I don't have as much clinical resources about this, I would probably start with:

- Apologizing

- Getting rid of my expectations

- Listen to my child's feelings & recognize they are valid

- Try to find my child's love language & communicate with them in that way

- Consistently act in supportive & healthy ways

- Try to be as positive with my child as I can

- Be patient & don't give up

More about love languages: 5lovelanguages.com/

Best of luck to you!

[GoDukes in reply to Pennywink]

I agree with everything said here including watching this video! Doing research so you can have a better understanding of what is going on in his head is a must. I am a single father as well and fortunately I have a very good relationship with my son. Actually his relationship with his mom is a little rougher because she just doesn't have the patience. It is all about unconditional love and patience. People with ADD often have very low self esteem because of everything going on in their head so supporting them is so important. Patience through the tough moments is a must as well. That can be really hard but raising the tension in a situation often makes it worse. My belief is that these kids recognize their own lack of control in their lives so having a parent that stays in control is a great comfort for them. I hope this helps!

Good Luck!

[Hidden]

Welcome! and Thank you so much for wanting to be involved! It's overwhelming, right? Do as much research as you can....You have to have the understanding to know what he is going through. Get counseling for yourself and as a family if you need to, it helped me and my daughter so much! I too would like to know how old he is and if he is on medication.

But honestly? Love him. Love him with all your heart. Look into his eyes and talk to him. I'm sure he is such an amazing kid. Play with him. Put away all the internet and video games. Find out who he is. Most kids with ADHD have remarkable and amazing gifts. I had no idea how creative and artistic my daughter was. Take a breath. He might be angry. He might be exhausting. You WILL be frustrated and feel like it's one step forward and three steps back. That's probably how his mom feels too. Get involved in school, talk to his teachers, go to the appointments, research his medications. His Mom will come around when you show commitment. But even if she doesn't, if you make the effort you will have a real relationship with your son. It's going to take time. Don't give up. Please don't give up.

[MaudQ]

It’s really great you want to make your relationship with your son better - no parent is perfect but I believe our kids know when we love them and when we are trying. Agree with the recommendations for Russell Barkley. I liked these books: “School Success for Kids with ADHD” and “Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD.” Go to the doctor’s appointments and all the school meetings. If your kid isn’t in therapy maybe it would help him - and maybe it would help you to do therapy too, with him or by yourself. The main thing IMO is to shower your kid with love and attention. Hang out, go on dates, go shopping, play outside, cuddle, watch TV together, read a book, wrestle - tell him you love him and how great he is. And come back to this group with specific questions - it really helps.

[17man]

Great that you are interested in being involved and learning. ADHD is way more than the general public believes it is, and effects children is such profound ways. The comments above about love and patience are right on. I will say that trying to understand what your son's experience is like from his perspective may give you a better understanding of how to be involved and connected. Also, for boys with ADHD, their experience socially and emotionally with other kids is very complicated. Ryan Wexelblatt, ADHD Dude, has been very helpful lately for us with our 15yo boy. youtube.com/channel/UCL3hX8...

[Reeeba1]

In my experience with others - once you let yourself accept that ADHD, not manipulation or bad behavior - is REALLY TRULY the cause of most of your child’s difficult behavior - and they hate it as much as you do - it can help a lot. We knew my son had challenges from a young age and try to be consistently supportive but it can be very hard. I would suggest as others have that you let your son know that you’re sorry, that you realize now what you didn’t before. I would also suggest always allowing extra time. If you are running late and he has to kick it into high gear it can be meltdown time. Make sure your time with him is not rushed and give him plenty of advance notice for transitions (we will be leaving in 20 mins, 10 mins, 5 mins). This can help kids who need more time to prepare mentally and physically for change (getting dressed, getting ready for bed, etc). Don’t feel you have to be perfect all at once. Just allowing extra time and acknowledging why it is needed - and letting your son know you love and support him unconditionally- will do wonders for your sanity and his. Good luck.

[Pennywink in reply to Reeeba1]

Great note about the extra time & notifications! People with ADHD definitely have time blindness - 5 mins or 5 hours can all feel the same to them!

[ConfrontingChallenge]

Read or listen to Superparenting For ADD by Edward Hallowell, MD. Reread it if you already have. He puts a realistic but positive spin on this journey.