New, Exhausted, & Afraid

[pnwlove]

Hi Parents of children w/ ADHD...

My 8-year old son was pushed by his Kindergarten teacher originally for a diagnosis and medication...which I initially pushed back on. Eventually, we did receive a diagnosis and he has taken adderall 10mg XR for the past 2-3 years. He started a new school post a recent divorce between his step-father and I, and he started exhibiting extreme behavioral issues including talk about self-harm (wanting to die), about life being too painful and hard, and about how nobody likes him which triggered two CPS referrals via the new school who does not know his needs or personality at all despite my attempts to address these concerns during initial enrollment.

While working closely and openly with CPS and his school, and even thanking them for their concern in reporting to CPS, I was shocked to learn he apparently completely made up or exaggerated instances of times he has been punished which include things that NEVER even came close to happening (slaps, withholding food, certain conversations). I'm at a complete loss how to proceed as an already exhausted parent of my child who may or may not have additional mental health issues other than ADHD. It's a struggle nearly everyday just to get through normal tasks such as brushing your teeth and putting your shoes on the correct feet. I have given full permission to the school to allow my child to meet with the school social worker ongoing, and I have begun the process of having him meet with our local area major children's health association for more intensive care and therapy as lower level counseling didn't seem to help. I am also willing to take parenting classes and attend therapy together so I can learn how to parent my child in the best way possible that will meet his needs while still ensuring I do not allow him to hurt himself or others.

Anywho, I have no advice to give at this point. I am just writing a snapshot of our current situation as a family. It is heartbreaking, terrifying, and humiliating as if our day to day survival and the things we do to accommodate our child's needs is just not enough at this point. To have CPS involved is extremely stressful, but I also appreciate and understand the need for their contact after a school has made a referral.

Big hugs to all the parents out there who are truly doing their best to help their children grow and succeed but still find themselves being criticized and labeled while they try to move past the helplessness and sadness that comes with parenting a chid with special behavioral health issues.

[Onthemove1971]

Wow.. you are going through it. So sorry that things have gone this way. It sounds like you really are supportive of the checks and balances needed to help kids ( even though this is a very hard process). I hope you have someone to go to coffee with a hang out! Life is hard and adding all of this is even harder.

My suggestion is ( often people are already overwhelmed) you request for your son to see a child psychiatrist. This Specialist will help you adjust, add or try medications to help your son. It often takes more than one medication (decrease impulses, increase focus and help decide what is what with the other mental health issues) to get them stable. I wish someone would have given me this advice a long time ago, we spend to many years without the proper medication.

One last suggestion, try to get a 504 educational plan or IEP to help your child. Include things in there that will help him be successful in the years to come and currently.

I hope these suggestions help you, I know it is hard not to worry what others think about you and your child, when you do your best and learn from things in the past the future will be bright for you guys.

We are here for you any time you need support. Big hugs..

[Pennywink]

Wow - I wish I had words of wisdom for you! I’m so sorry for your situation, and pray you & your child start seeing some hope & improvement soon.

[reg2018]

I would first like to say that I'm surprised that a kindergarten teacher pushed for a diagnosis and medication. Where I live, teachers aren't legally allowed to do that. That being said, whether a teacher says anything about a child needing a diagnosis or not, it sounds like you and your child are taking those first steps down the road of treatment.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's a long road and while right now you are feeling a lot of feelings including, as you mentioned, shocked, exhausted, humiliated, and sad, you have found this community of individuals who understand these feelings because we're either feeling them, or have felt them.

Try to take at least a little time each day for yourself for self-care. When we have children who take so much from us, if we don't take at least at little time to fill ourselves, then there's nothing left to give.

[NanatoZ]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I am raising my grandson (I got custody through CPS 5 years ago so I have a good idea what you are going through). It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Some teachers just don’t want to deal with an ADHD kid. My grandson was switched to another teacher who is extremely strict. Stay in dialogue with his teachers and health care professionals who can help. Self care is extremely important so you don’t get burned out. It’s hard but it’s worth it.

[Hidden]

BIG HUG! It's going to be ok. My daughter was originally diagnosed as bipolar. The ADHD came later. It is just plain scary as h*ll. I honestly just felt like I couldn't breathe when she said she wanted to hurt herself. That was in August. I just knew, and you know too, that I had to do everything I could. Everything. I found a psychiatric pediatric NP. I found a pediatric psychiatrist that would run ALL the testing on her, I went to the school and they were honestly great. Developed a safety plan for her at school and everything. Got her an IEP for the ADHD. She and I go to counseling together and I got myself to the same counselor but alone. I took away all internet because she was going really dark places. She is on medication for both bipolar and ADHD. All of this happened over a span of four months.

WHEW! Right?! First, get him to a child psychiatrist to find out exactly what you are dealing with. If CPS will help you with this take advantage of it and take advantage of counseling if they will help you with that. He's going to be ok and you will be ok too. But understand this is a separate full time job. And it takes awhile to get the right diagnosis and medications. Take a deep breath. Eat. Sleep. Exercise. He's not going to be any good if you are a wreck. It's ok to cry in the car alone, don't worry about the strange looks from other driver's. Actually, it's ok to cry anytime, we all do it.

You are in a the right place, everyone here is amazing!

[VolcanoMom]

Hugs... you aren’t alone. We are all struggling in our own way, and I’m so happy that you are reaching out here. Get a group of good people around you to vent to, or to give you a break from it all... whatever helps you out the most.

Smile, and above all, listen to your child. They have so much more insight than we give credit to. Find out WHY it’s hard to brush teeth in the morning. Mine was horrible until I found out that he felt like he was being pushed getting out of bed too fast. We agreed on a compromise... I woke him up 15 minutes earlier to allow him to start getting into the right frame of mind. My only ask was that he stretched, snuggled with a stuffie, or do something that made him feel warm and loved in the morning. THEN get up and get moving.

I always try to remember that these kids are just trying to make it in the world like the rest of us... I hate mornings, and I don’t have ADHD. BUt I’ve learned how to deal with it... get some small wins... and a good schedule.