Hate Being Home - Constant Nightmare! - CHADD's ADHD Pare...

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Hate Being Home - Constant Nightmare!

Janice_H
Janice_H

Where do I begin? My 11 yo son with ADHD is ruining my home life. Mostly all of my days are difficult and a nightmare. He is inattentive, has very poor impulse control, makes bad decisions, has uncontrollable laughing spells, leaves a trail of mess throughout the house. It is hard to accomplish anything, he is constantly following me from room to room and frequently gets into things he shouldn't be in. He is extremely obsessed with checking and re-checking things, locking doors, windows, etc. Nights are very long because he can't follow directions, it takes about 2 hours for him to finally go to his room and go to sleep.....the list goes on and on.

The past weekend I felt consumed by how miserable I am when at home with him. I am unable to focus on myself, do not have family support, do not have help from anyone or a social outlet of any sort. I do not look forward to when I have to pick him up after school, feel anxious and wonder what charade will occur once I get home.

I know he wants to be a good child but does not now how. I am at the end of my rope with patience. I feel I am at a boiling point and ready to explode. I am very afraid of an outburst. Is anyone else experiencing these same things? What tips can be offered in this situation?

29 Replies

My daughter is a lot like your son;not to the extreme as your son, but she is only 8. (each year gets worse) I am like you I have no support. If I didn't have this site I would have went crazy, it seem like my child was the only one acting out like this, until I found this site. I am sorry I have no help to give you. The obsessions sound like OCD. Kianna has ADHD Combined, ODD, OCD,Anxiety-NOS, and Sensory issue's. I live with my husband and our daughter but he is no help. He makes things worse. He doesn't understand her or get her at all, he just thinks she is acting out, spoiled kid and I made her that way, even though I told him what the professionals diagnosed her with. Take a break and breathe. My daughter has the week off from school this week Fall break. Good luck. HUGS

Hi Janice, is your son on any medications. Have you looked into having a behaviorist come to your home to help you establish a plan so days and nights are not nightmares. Do some research, it may be pricy at first, but I guarantee the benefits of having a calm life will be worth it. We had someone who came to our home and she really helped us a lot, got us on a routine. Routines and consistency are critical for kids with ADHD.

Janice_H
Janice_H in reply to Wiola821

Hi Wiola, thanks for the advice. He had previously been on medication but it caused sleepiness, loss of appetite and mood swings. I tried to take him off the medication over the summer. Home has been chaotic since. We also had weekly sessions with a behavior therapist, however due to the expense and time involved I was not able to continue treatment.

Sullivan47
Sullivan47 in reply to Janice_H

You can do gene sight to get the right meds for your child

Please talk to your Dr. If he’s on medication maybe they can give him a low dose in evening. I know it’s hard. Night time, used to be a long drawn out routine at my house too. I use the timer on my phone a lot. I give my son a certain time for showers, and for getting dressed in the mornings. I try to let him know he will have extra electronic time if he makes his time limit. He gets electronics taken away, if he takes to long, or refuses to cooperate. Honestly I did this for about a month. I have to say he stays on track now. One thing I had to except is that it took consistency on my part as his mom. I know it’s not easy. I’m an exhausted single mom, most of the time. I’ve been where you are. It took me taking care of myself emotionally and physically. I started therapy, with a great therapist, started taking time out to work out, even if I could only squeeze in 30 minutes. I also had to go on a medication for depression. I feel so much more equipped to handle my son now. One thing I realized also is he wants to feel in control about certain things, because he feels so out of control most of the time. I would start giving him choices. Shower or bath? Started letting him pick out breakfast foods. He hates to wear coats when it’s cold. He has a new coat, and a coat his cousin gave him. The night before I hold up both coats, and ask which coat are you going to wear tomorrow, it’s going to be very cold. He picked the new coat out, and wore it no issues. Please know what your feeling is normal, but I encourage you to try and create fun times with your son. Mostly take care of yourself, so you can be better for him. 🙏 you’ve got this!

Janice_H
Janice_H in reply to Madmarie

Hi Marie, thank you soooooo much for the encouragement. I am also a single mom and am exhausted each day. I am not always consistent with the consequences because of this. Next week I will start using the timer for showering at night and getting out of bed. I also occasionally take anti-depressants but feel the need for therapy.

Like others say, if he is on medication the dose is not right. I would engage him in an afterschool program or sports. Our son is extreme, but has something almost every day to keep him busy.

When we are at home he has sports related things he can do. Throw lacrosse balls outside. Kick and punch his "Bob". He has a treadmill and weights to occupy his time. But we always keep an ear or eye on him. He is not allowed to freely do things or he would get into things he is not suppose to.

If he is not sports driven whatever makes him click use that.

Hope this helps.

These are great ideas. Because of the amount of homework, i have had to cut out his extra-curricular activities. He used to be enrolled in basketball 2 nights a week. My son is like yours in that if I am not keeping an eye on him, he gets into things he shouldn't be in. He has lit the oven and stove on 2 occasions, tried to light a candle by himself, turned on the air conditioner and it ran it all day burning out the compressor. He really worries me.

Hi. I had the same with my son. Once he went on medication he could focus much more. We still had to work on behaviours. Things that worked for us were using a diffuser with eucalyptus oil in. The vapour opens the airways for deeper breathing which helped to relax him. Breathing exercises. Using a whiteboard to write instructions etc on so he could wipe them off once he had done them. It was out of his head then. Using less language to communicate essentials and not too many questions. Hope they help you.

Janice_H
Janice_H in reply to Fozzy24

Hello Fozzy, thanks for this tips. They are great ideas I can incorporate.

So, it sucks that your child can't behave normally. That he needs soooo much. It must be exhausting for you, with no help or support. What to do? Girl, you gotta hit this head on so he can function and your can breath. Help him and help yourself. His brain is not functioning as it should. He needs help. I love the free dr. Russell Barkley video on YouTube. You can skip to topics that are pertinent to you.. Like medication. Good luck!!!

youtu.be/SCAGc-rkIfo

Pennywink
Pennywink in reply to Crunchby

I also recommend this video!

Janice_H
Janice_H in reply to Crunchby

I appreciate the video link and look forward to watching.

Sorry to hear about your struggles. I too have felt miserable around my son and just want to escape the minute I get home from work and he is screaming at me at the top of his lungs. You need to just leave the house and go for a walk when you feel you are at the end and that will give both of you a break. I have read kids with ADHD enjoy getting family members upset so the worse thing you can do is argue with him (don’t feel bad,I do it with my 16-year-old all the time even though I know I shouldn’t). Don’t forget his brain is wired different than yours so what makes sense to you (about normal behaviour exoectations) doesn’t to him. My son also has the OCD issues. Good luck. You can do this.

Janice_H
Janice_H in reply to corster

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I always have to keep reminding myself that he is different.

shellyn04
shellyn04 in reply to Janice_H

that IS really important! they can't help it. which is sooo very sad. i know my son got it from me so i feel extra bad!! when i first read your message i wanted to come through the screen and squeeze you and let you know you are not alone. IT IS SOOO HARD!!! i started on this blog about two weeks ago and have been amazed to find others dealing with the same things but with just a differt twist. my son is 12 and ADHD. he is the sweetest child ever!! but its hard to see that past many of the other traits. not sure we would have EVER seen the sweet side if we hadn't medicated him. i don't take him off in the summer or the weekends. his brain is going so fast. you can see it in his eyes when we forget the meds or the med/dose is not right. the key is a good psychiatrist!! he should not only give him meds but also NOT put up with too many side effects. i watch my son closely for side effects. i know how bad it feels to have a bad med!!! and not all dr's know what they are doing. we tried it with our family physician and he tried but didn't get the right balance. we take 4 diff meds. (i know, makes my stomach crinch thinking about it) he takes mydayis-stimulant, tenex-help with hyperactivity and celexa-for anxiety (all 3 in morning) and then trazadone-to help with sleep. one drug NEVER worked for him, it had to be a mix. and some will help with the side effects of the others. (again, i know... sad but necessary for them to feel as normal as possible) and i can tell you if he is not getting enough sleep, that will trump everything!! even the meds in our case. we know how bad all this makes us feel, but think about being them AND haveing to deal with puberty AND middle school. haha!! terrible!!

your a great mom!! you will know when things are not right. you buzz the dr right away. or just drop your friends on here a line and we will be your support system :):):) hang in there.... it WILL get better. one step at a time, one step at a time ;) ox

Janice_H
Janice_H in reply to shellyn04

A...what a great encouraging post. Thank you soooooo much for the online hugs!! I took my son off his medications over the summer to see how things would go and have just been dealing with his chaos. He takes generic Straterra and is sleepy most of the day, does not eat until late afternoon, and has mood swings when on medication. I do not give it to him on weekends, holidays or days he is out of school.

I totally understand how you can see in your son's eyes when the medication is not working. I notice the extreme hyperactivity and inability to retain and carry out instructions or just hold a conversation. It's so sad they have to deal with this neurological disorder.

Visible signs, checklists & analog timers have also helped us ALOT with our 6 year old.

I Iaminated a “morning routine” sheet & an “evening routine” sheet, so he can see what he needs to do & check off with dry erase marker as he goes. I still have to follow up with him, but it has helped. Theorning was our biggest struggle, so I also marked the face in an analog clock with what needed to be done by when.

At first we even added some rewards for doing things “correctly, on time and on your own” - like extra talk / reading together before lights out, or in the morning he can pick his snack for school. Eventually we were able to back off the incentives a bit once things became habit for him.

Other than that, just making sure he goes to bed early every night is the other factor for us - the more tired he is, the harder it is for him to focus on getting it done.

Hello, I am hearing a lot of parents are using the check lists. I am willing to give this a try. Thank you EVERYONE for all the wonderful support!!!!!!!!

Checklists!! Yes and try squirrel bingo. I tried the other day and he is crossing things off like a lunatic. I made one for myself and it’s helping me too.

I can relate. It's very hard. I have a 13-year daughter that was diagnosed with sensory integration disorder, ADD, anxiety, and depression. To make matters worse, she has begun self-harming, which is absolutely terrifying on top of everything else, and she frequently threatens suicide. All, I can say is that my girl’s extreme issues has FORCED me to reach out. I have gone to her school for additional support. I have contacted friends and loved ones; coaches, music teacher, pediatrician—anyone that will listen. They are helping by giving my daughter a bit of extra attention and understanding. I am slowly starting to get more support from the school and am in the process of getting an IEP rather than a 504. My daughter’s psychologist is also trying new strategies in therapy. Here are other things that I am trying: melatonin at night before bed and resting in a darkened room ~ 30 minutes prior to bed. She is also supplementing with ionic magnesium (Good State Brand). My girls gets vigorous exercise about 5 days weekly without fail, and I’m also trying to get her on a better diet (lower in sugar, carbs and processed foods; high in good fats/moderate protein). I think quality sleep and exercise are key. I am also making more of an effort to help my daughter connect with her peers. It’s hard because of her social anxiety, but she did have a 12 week social skills class, and I think she did benefit from it. Anyway, having a friend over, or going to open skate at the rink with a peer really lifts her mood and makes her more cooperative at home. It also gives ME a break. Finally, please read a book called the Explosive Child for advice on how to manage when you have a challenging child to raise. I wish you luck in finding ways to help you manage better with so many challenges. Some days I lose hope and feel so frustrated and sad… I’m feeling less along since I FORCED myself to start talking to other adults about what we’re dealing with. Some people don’t know what to say and don’t reach back. But others are actually helpful—especially if they have ADD/ADHD or have family members with these challenges.

LL_Mom
LL_Mom in reply to LL_Mom

I should also say that I took my girl out of public school last year to homeschool thinking that reducing her stress would help her; however, she did not enjoy what I or the homeschool community could offer. She needs the "pressure" of teachers (even the mean ones), daily homework that she is REQUIRED to turn in, and exams. She really missed the structure and socialization of school. She did tons of classes and trips with kids in homeschool, but she said it didn't feel like school, so she could not take it seriously and wouldn't do much work. She just went back to public school today, and believe it or not, had a meltdown about her socks at 6:30 am--about 20 minutes before the bus arrived. She did get on the bus, but it was chaotic and stressful. I hope she does not do this every day. She refuses to let her dad or me drive her to school to give her more time. She wants to socialize on the bus. At any rate, she's back in school. If it goes well, I will be thrilled. If her stress level escalates again, then I will make arrangments to send her to a special ed school. What I have found is that I just have to keep trying different things. It's hard, exhausting, and frustrating. With that, I think that I'm going to go and meditate for about 10 minutes now! LOL...

I feel like these are my words.. literally same voice. I dread going home because of my son. It has got to a point where it is just anger and frustration. There isn't a calm relaxing weekend.. it is constant fighting and arguing. He has started anxiety meds and soon will start adhd meds as well. We've tried no meds and just counseling but he needs more than that. I am looking into a local support group. That might be what you need to help get you through this tough time. Good luck.

There is not fighting and arguing but it is very chaotic and exhausting. There are no calm relaxing weekends for me either. I look forward to Mondays because I can rest at work. I have tried to stop the medications but this is when times are worst.

How old is your son?

He is 9 years old. It is exhausting for the whole family.

I understand you on so many levels. It’s like home is supposed to be where you relax and find peace but with my 10 yr old... it’s constant fighting and everyday I feel like I close my eyes losing another battle and him falling a little further away. I’m spending every penny we have to do weekly counseling and monthly psyc appointments. His 504 isn’t helping him. It’s like I’m fighting a losing battle. . . So I can’t imagine what he is feeling. Stay strong! I will be starting meds. It just became too much. It’s hard holding the whole family together day in and day out.

I can relate and so sorry you are going through a hard time.

If you are having a difficult time with his behavior try to take a step back and try to see how he must be feeling as well. My son is only three and at times I feel very overwhelmed by his behavior. I have to get break at least twice a week for few hours that definitely helps refill my cup so to say. I’ve recently had to withdraw my son from preschool because of his overly hyper behavior. I started to see his teachers growing resentment towards him. I could see his self esteem decrease. If your son is following you maybe that his way of reaching out to you to connect with. My son has done the similar thing especially when we are having a difficult day. Don’t give up on him he is in need of you. At the end of the day they are our sweet baby that god gave us.

Janice_H
Janice_H in reply to 123gcrr

Yes this is so true. Things have gotten much better since I wrote this. I still have my days where I hate being around him, but I deal with it.

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