I've heard of children with ADHD being great at school and falling apart at home but has anyone experienced the opposite???
I have done a LOT of work with my child at home with learning and behavior and he has made some MAJOR strides. He is actually a joy to be around now. He's funny, creative, and smart. He's still hyper as all hell, but he follows directions, I rarely have to repeat myself, and most of the time, he takes initiative without even having to be told. Complete turnaround.
Then there's school ...and even worse, after school program (where he spends a mere 2.5 hours a week, and I will receive updates of his behavior on at least 2 of 3 of the days he attends). These constant complaints are disheartening. I feel so helpless because I can't do anything if I'm not there.
I'm so tired of hearing the phrase "making bad choices" - it's cringe. But I just want to cry every day I pick him up. He has tried medications, had a behavioral plan, a 504 plan, an IEP, a social worker, psychologist, education specialist, occupational therapist, para minutes, etc, etc. And it blows my mind that my tiny 8-year-old who is fantastic at home needs ALL of these accommodations just to function at school.
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I am sorry you guys are struggling like this in school.
This sounds like a very complex situation. A few questions so we can maybe help.
Have you been able to find a Child Psycharitrist to help your son. This was a key support for us for many years that helped us so much. The person we saw, really helped us understand our sons behavior and helped us for many years.
As for the school..
I am not sure from your message if your son has been assessed in all areas, including social emotional. Since you say he has an IEP, I assume that some assessments have been done. Is he in a general education classroom? Is he able to complete the required work.
One thing that I remember from our sons experience is that "children don't want to misbehave".
One thing that really helped us was to balance our outside time and allow our son to do something he wanted to do. For us it was Tae Kwan Do and it helped our son have something he could really excel at which was not school. No matter how bad things were at school he always knew he could excel at the Tae Kwan Do studio.
One last thing... every night I told our son I loved him.. I explained I did not accept/like his behavior, but I always loved him.
We are always here to support you and hope you find something that helps. Maturity helps a lot with children with ADHD.
He's been fully evaluated in most categories and I just requested a Functional Behavior Assessment (I think that's all that's left at this point). We have our annual IEP meeting in December.
I have a feeling the learning disabilities are why he is acting out at school. We don't necessarily have "academics" at home and when we did, life was miserable. But maybe that's why his behavior is worse at school?
He has a tutor once a week and is supposed to start some therapy/coaching thing next week. All this extra support outside of school just feels like too much. He has character, he's a fun kid, does it matter that he doesn't read at warp speed if he reads and comprehends and enjoys it? Does his writing need to be perfectly aligned? Mine sure isn't lol
Everyone has their expertise in different areas. I just want him to be happy
I noticed your comment about everyone having their expertise & you just wanting your child to be happy - and I totally felt for you.
Do you feel pressure from school to get your child extra tutoring & help outside school hours? Because I’m sorry to hear that. You sound like you want your child to have a great childhood & not be filled with therapies/tutoring - and as the parent you should get to do that & decide what’s best.
I say this as both a parent of a boy with ADHD (significant challenges), but also one of those professionals with expertise to help kids. The last thing I want for my child is a life of therapies & tutoring. I want him to have the joyful childhood you speak of too. The supports I get for him (he has a psychiatrist & OT) should contribute to both a joyful childhood and a better, happier future outlook. I think they are both doing this currently, and if they weren’t, I would no longer have these services for my son.
I’m not in the US (so services might look different for me) but I don’t have any support outside school hours. He is a kid outside school hours. (We don’t even do homework yet- a full day at school is enough for him).
I take my boy during school hours for the additional supports he gets, which are well worth it (I am lucky I can afford this). For OT my boy has some individual sessions, so the OT understands my boy needs and maintains a relationship with him, but not regular therapy. Some sessions are just me & the OT. She can help me understand his needs & ways to help him, so I can better advocate for him when I need to. The things we talk about help me in knowing how to help my kid be able to participate in things he wants to do - sports, friendships & play, etc. The places my boy makes the most gains in his skills & functioning are actually in everyday activities like community sports, holidays with other families, NOT the therapy room.
Sorry if this is a bit of a rant- I just feel passionately about this. Yes your child deserves a wonderful childhood. It should be possible to get support for your child, without feeling like you are taking away their childhood.
Thank you!!! This was very validating and helpful and I think just opened my eyes to something I've been on the fence about. I very much appreciate your input
Really glad it helps. Where I live, supports provided by a school are only to help a kid with school, so as a mum, I can’t determine how school based supports are used in school hours. But other than that, I decide what supports I use & how I use these. It can be so hard when you see your child struggling to not feel you need to be getting “all the things” to help them. But a childhood rich in play experiences IS great for developing skills & a child’s long term wellbeing - it’s not one or the other.
Good to read and know that others are going through very similar things, as we are with our grandchild. Although not being a parent and the parents being divorced, we see things from a distance, but still. All these plans and tools. But one thing I often read is that the child finds one thing or has an activity outside home and school that he/she likes and participates in and that helps. So far this has not been the case with our 8 year-old grandson. He rarely wants to do anything except be at home with either of his parents.
Oh my gosh, same!!! I have dished out tons of money and he loves everything the first day but the novelty wears off and it becomes a fight getting him to go after that. Weekends are similar and I get it. I'm a single parent and I don't necessarily want to sit at a cold park or drag to events all weekend 🤣 so we have one at home day and one day when I force us both out. Then, once we get there, he doesn't want to leave! I'm so tired...
Here’s a few things I thought as reading your post. I have a 7 yr old with adhd. Differences between environments can tell you a lot about what might be happening for your child, and what might help.
I’d be thinking about all the differences between school & home and how they might be impacting your son.
1. demands - Another reply mentioned the academic demands. Also consider other demands that can be tricky in adhd, such as persisting through non-motivating/boring/challenging activities. Is there more of those activities at school than home? Does home have more familiar, repetitive tasks? Does school have more unfamiliar tasks? What about demands of peer interactions? Do these create challenges at school? If your son is finding learning tricky, is he worried about how he mightn’t be able to do the same things as others his age?
2. The environment
Schools will generally be very busy places. When un-medicated at school, my son’s brain was attempting to get all the information from his environment. (Including all the interactions between staff & students, interactions between different students, interactions between different staff). His brain was on constant high alert, and scanning the environment, so understandably he had trouble with the school task he was meant to be doing. You mentioned following directions - a busy environment can be a tricky environment for following directions compared to a less busy home.
3. The people
At home , your boy has you - you love him, you will understand him well & you’re consistent. At school there will be more different adults he interacts with (his class teacher, specialists teachers, support staff, lunch time supervisors etc.) They will have varying understanding of his needs, give directions in different ways, have different personalities, and different relationships with him. This can be really challenging for some kids. Does he have any preferred adults at school? If so, why do think they are preferred? Can this tell you anything about what could help him at school?
Hope there might help some useful ideas to consider in here for helping your son.
Hi,I see you got some really good suggestions, and I believe you're a great mom for all your support and care of your child.
Question: what does your child say about his school?
Also, a great deal of what you said reminded me of my son, but my son has adhd + odd (Oppositional defiance disorder) + Dyslexia.
I found out with my son at home, it helps him at school when I let him "just be" at home, be bored, be lazy, . Be himself, without much guidance at home allows him to relax and his behavior at school improved tremendously.
And this came from my son, when he was 5: " why nobody wants me to be myself?" It's broke my heart that he felt like that.
Awwww, little thing. So smart, I like that. Just be! I'm going to give it a bigger whirl and see what happens. I think I carry a lot of unnecessary guilt around parenting choices, maybe I can learn to let myself just be while I'm at it 😂
”Making bad choices” for a kid with adhd sounds a lot like “our school doesn’t understand that adhd is a disability so we’re going to call the disability bad choices.” This is most unfortunate. My situation with my son is similar. We’ve educated ourselves as parents and built a beautiful supportive relationship with him. This wasn’t always the case. I know what it’s like to be with him when we were assuming that he was making bad choices. Alas, and regrettably, our insistence that he “make better choices” in the absence of our informed support was terrorizing him. We were completely overlooking his needs and breaking our connection with him all the time.
I can see why, if a school doesn’t have adequate skills and awareness, they could very well be making the situation so much worse than it needs to be.
I’m definitely not a “my child never makes mistakes or poor choices parent.” But I am a “this kid needs a loving, understanding and supportive environment parent.” I think many schools put the onus on kids with adhd to somehow rise to the occasion by sheer willpower alone. It’s not a recipe for success and I truly empathize with your situation.
aftercare is usually very unstructured and chaotic. Are there a lot of kids in it? ADHD kids can almost become like a spinning top in those situations. They get overstimulated and it’s ON for them and hard to get them to come back down. How big is the school? Again, he might be overwhelmed all day and just lets loose in aftercare.
It is huge! And I have witnessed him there on open house nights. Spinning top pretty much sums it up. And funnily enough, the problems at school tend to occur during recess and yard time which is chaotic and lacks supervision. "Bull in a china shop" also works lol
In fact, I think I will request for his behavior assessment to dip into recess time where the problems occur, thank you!
Yep. That’s exactly how my son is as well. I will say, finding the right meds did help BUT I had to learn his limits. The big after school care didn’t work for him. If you’re stuck using it maybe request some “quiet” time for him, off the side to draw with maybe one or 2 other kids to let him decompress for a bit. It’s hard though when the environment itself isn’t right for him. I ended up switching my son to a smaller county school. Night and day difference! But, I understand it might not be that easy to change school. Know that I definitely understand!!!!
That's awesome for your kiddo! I really do think it would make a huge difference. I'm in SF and the schools here are huge and insanely understaffed. Classes are sometimes combined to accommodate missing teachers and it's a mess.
I will say that the after school program has been incredibly helpful. It's the Boys and Girls Club and they offer an MSW, education specialist, and behavior specialists. They will even come to the IEP meetings with me to support and make recommendations. One of the things they have suggested is "breaks" and I have some hope now. Thanks so much for sharing!
exact same issue with my son last year in kindergarten. He was not a walk in the park at home but manageable. his behavior at school was significantly worse. He acted out in ways I had never seen. This was before he was diagnosed adhd and medicated and I believe the problems at school stemmed from him struggling to follow the status quo and a teacher that was anything but understanding and put him down all day long. We ended up switching teachers, getting him an iep where he spent part of the day in a special class and this year his behavior is great.
That makes me so sad, they are only little I'm so glad you were able to switch teachers. My son has had a majority of strict teachers which is hit or miss. He actually had one teacher who would threaten to call me during the class day if he didn't do as told!!! His current teacher is actually amazing. He finds ways to praise my son's creativity and my son comes home so proud. I'm hoping that will help this year!
I really don't understand some of these teachers. Even just from the way they relay information to me, like it might kill them to start or end with something positive 🥴
It’s truly so sad and wrong. I’m sorry you went through this too. I asked that my son get a teacher that’s a good fit for him now that they know what he needs. I asked them the qualities that would make a good fit and they said “someone that’s understanding”. Shouldn’t that be a prerequisite for young kids?!
My son had a spec ed case manager like this last year. Even though he struggled in school, he always had a positive relationship with his classroom teachers and didn’t have behavior issues within their classes. This helped immensely! All it took is one untrained, unhinged case manager that would call me all hours of the day, with him present, saying unprofessional things for his year to crumble. The teachers establishing a relationship with our ADHD kids is key to their success. Unfortunately my 5th grade son is now in middle school switching classes all day and back to struggles in class. This is so hard.
First off- Love the name. Drop Dead Fred was one of my favorite movies as a kid!!
My son had this very issue 1st and 2nd grade. He had really great support at his school, taking meds, and had a thorough IEP but still struggled greatly at school. They made his world so small. Had a para by him constantly. He couldnt even walk to the bathroom by himself anymore, play outside at recess without someone at his side, ate lunch by himself or a very small group. They even limited what he could check out at the school library because they thought reading about minecraft was too stimulating! After exhausting all options at his school, something had to change or they were talking possibly changing to a level 4 school. This was really scary for me as I knew he didn't belong there and was scared what kind of behavior he would pick up being at a school like that. At home although not perfect, my son is mostly sweet, kind and creative. He was/is still required to do non preferred tasks like homework and chores, but did so just fine.
We made the choice to try a different public elementary this year for 3rd grade. I still feel like I need to pinch myself. Its like night and day. He is having so much success this year at school. I truly believe feeling like he was suffocated all day by a para in his space aggravated his behavior. He felt like he was "bad" so why not cause problems and get out of the classroom? Because of everything the Prior school had written I assumed the new school would have the same set up. Instead, they gave him a fresh start. He was treated like everyone else. Seeing how happy he is to just be able to walk to bathroom or nurse office and eat with his peers is so cool! When he needs a brain break, he now lets his teacher know and does so. The first week of school he said he never wanted his world at school to be that small again and his privileges to be taken away. He felt like he could breathe and make good choices.
So sorry to hear about your struggles with your kiddo at school. I have no real advice to offer to combat those challenges but rather an acknowledgement that you are seen and heard on this forum. I see the comments flowing in and hopefully they are helpful.
I will ask for your advice though on the positive aspects....how did you get your son's behavior at home to make such a dramatic turnaround? Having to repeat myself a thousand times and getting my son to take initiative are daily issues in my house.
Honestly, I’m pretty sure my son did most of the work himself—things seem to get so much easier as he matures!
I shifted my focus from advice books to really paying attention to him and figuring out what worked. It’s all trial and error because no two kids are the same.
For me, I have had to learn to pick my battles and trust him more. If I nag too much, he just tunes me out.
I rely a lot on humor to make things feel more exciting than they really are. Humor goes a long way, especially when asking him to do boring tasks. Also, things like pretending not to know how to do something so he "shows" me (think homework) or "betcha can't do X before I do Y" competitions.
I also started using the "if, then" approach. Like when he asks to watch YouTube, instead of saying no, I'll say something like, "If you take your bath, then you can watch YouTube." It works great because the things he asks for are usually things I’d allow anyway so now I just leverage his requests 🤣
I was most surprised to find that he loves being read to! Books really captivate him and keep him calm, so now we bring them everywhere—on the bus/train, to the park, doctors appts, etc—and they're a great recentering tool. He even loves to read himself now.
I was so overwhelmed by all the advice books and frustrated when things didn't work or seemed impossible to sustain (I also have ADHD so novelty wears quickly and new routines don't often stick). I think the older my son gets, the more I'm able to relate to him and it's helped a ton.
Love this! You sound like a great mama I also agree with you that bringing in the silliness can be so helpful. I think it helps them to relate to us more, trust us more, and understand that when we are more strict, its for good reason and because we care about them and want them to grow up to be good adults. We use the "I bet you can't do this before me or before I count to whatever #" as well.
You've already gotten a lot of good advice. Just adding that my son also struggles much more at school than at home. He is under close supervision currently and trying to "earn" more time back in his regular classroom. We've been trying new medications the last few months which haven't helped - they've actually made him more volatile. He's off of them now and trying to get back to his baseline. But it's been a rough few months for sure. His "normal" is easily angered and very distracted, but at least happier without the latest medications. I hope things improve at school and aftercare.
Ohhh we had a very similar experience with medications! I'd heard so many great things and felt like it was just one more let down. But we gave it our best shot and learned what doesn't work 🤣
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Will I ever get my son back?
Us against the school, again
10-year-old with lots of impulse control issues
Suspension # 3
