Depressed, upset, frustrated, mom.

[Madmarie]

As I’m typing this it’s almost 2:00 am, and I’m laying here reeling from all the issues surrounding my 11 year old son this week. He is ADHD. He has social issues, and emotional regulation is nonexistent!

The last 2- weeks, have been state testing at his school, completely throws him off course every year. Since he is in special ed, he takes his test at different times, and in smaller groups, this means he shifted around, to other rooms, until it’s his turn to test. He’s gotten in trouble, gotten into fights, and I’ve had a phone call from the principal this week informing me all about it.

My ex husband is no help at all. He wants to blame everything on me, and the school, and wants to baby my son, and try to correct anything I do or don’t do. He’s been to 2 Dr’s appointments in 11 yrs. That’s only because the lawyers made him go. He’s against medication, because I’m for it. He’s been living with his girlfriend for almost a year now. So when my son is there and acts up, I think it’s become a problem, my ex refuses to give him his medication on his weekends. So now after all this time, he’s trying to pretend to be involved, and is finally admitting that my son has some

issues, of course he doesn’t agree that it’s ADHD.

Tonight I let my son have his only 2 friends he has over. They had fun ordered pizza, and played Fortnite, played out side as well. After they left my son started relentlessly harassing me for V-bucks, I told him no, over, and over, tried to tell him if he didn’t stop begging, and arguing he was going to get his game system taken away, and he wouldn’t get to play with his friends tomorrow. No reasoning with him at all, when he gets focused in on something he wants. I walk away from him, and warned him again to stop. He then grabbed a glass of coke I had setting on the table, and threw it across the room, started slamming his bed room door over, and over. Lock himself in his room and started thrashing it. This scenario has happened more times then I can count. He is always sorry, afterwards, and becomes very upset with himself. I have to stuff my emotions down, and love him through it, even though I just want to lock my self away and have a good cry.

My counselor works with both me, and my son. She has told me to call the police when he gets out of control like this, I scoffed at the idea at first, and just refused to even entertain it. She explained that it would get his attention, and make him think twice about this sort of behavior next time. She has said it has worked for other parents she has worked with. Tonight I was close to calling, but I texted my ex and told him he needed to call and talk to him, or I was going to have to call the police. He said that was the stupidest idea, ever, and started putting me, and the counselor down. He said I need to try and stay calm, and give my son love and support through this, that he can’t control his emotions, all this why new girlfriend is chiming in. This is the guy. Who called my son the “P” word, has shouted, and broken things in front of him, and several other things I won’t mention, this is why I hired a attorney again, and we have gone through mediation yet again. He is trying to be better, for my son, and I feel is trying to work on his own issues. I’ve never called him for help before, and I’m not sure why I would think it would do any good tonight. I was just at my wits end. The same scenario over, and over, and I just thought maybe I should call the police. My son is a sweet loving boy most of the time. He is my everything, and I have done everything I can to try and help him. I don’t date, I work, come home take care of him, rinse and repeat! I’m just feeling really low right now! I’m know it’s just a feeling that will pass, and tomorrow is a new day, I need to stay up beat and positive for my son, but it’s really hard at the moment. Sorry for going on and on, it’s cathartic to write about this, and try to let it go for awhile.

[SylvieS]

Oh mama I am so sorry! This is so hard. Is there anyone you can reach out to for support? It definitely sounds like that person isn’t you ex husband. You are an amazing mom and are doing everything you can for your son. If calling the police will keep you and your son safe then go right ahead. And be sure that you find a way to get some respite and take care of yourself. Believe me I know that is easier said than done! But please give yourself the time and space you can to keep yourself sane through the tough times. I’m rooting for you and your son!❤️

[Pennywink]

I’m sorry things are so very difficult for you! *big hug* and I’ll keep you & your son in my prayers.

[Murphish]

I feel you, girl. And I’ve been where you are many times, as I’m sure you have. I wish I had some helpful advice. Having a challenging kid who you love to death is so hard and so isolating at times. You’re not alone. There’s that. And tomorrow is a new day. 🤗

[anirush]

I have been there in the past when my grandson's are unstable and their medication was not working. Had a TV screen bashed in once.

Taking your child on and off his medication certainly can't do any good. If you are working with a lawyer can you have it mandated that he has to give him his meds?

my younger grandson has had those mania attacks where he just can't stop bugging you about something. Luckily he is stable on his medication and I don't have to deal with that right now.

Be careful calling the police.

I know everyone recommends that but I have a friend who did that, Social services got involved and it was a big mess. She is still trying to get them out of her life. I would talk to your police station 1st and see what their view is on coming in and settling an unstable child.

[cjsmonkey in reply to anirush]

I agree not calling police. There’s not much they can do just talking to ur son. If he hasn’t hurt you physically then won’t arrest. Good idea to call police station for info how it would be handeled. Or if you know anyone that is a cop ask their opinion to involve police. And very true social services may then get involved if concerns of abuse or neglect.

[dermis63]

He seems to know how to push your buttons and get his way. But you are the parent. You are in control. His behavior has to have consequences or it will repeat itself when he does not get what he wants. Take away his video games and keep them until he keeps his part of the bargain in his school work, chores, etc. No more play time with friends. Let him thrash around in his room as much as he wants and ignore it. Don’t take it personally. But if he breaks stuff in your house tell him you will sell his games to pay for damages. Don’t call the police. It can go south fast and you don’t need them. You are Mom and will be respected. Yes, he can be sweet at times, but the sweet child you have been raising is going away because this is when ADHD kicks in-adolescence.

Don’t call your ex again, you already know he does not see or understand what’s going on with your son and will not support you. Do not suffer the indignity of having him and his girlfriend comment on your parenting skills. Tell your child to take his medication on his own when at his Dads and that this will earn him points with you (gaming, etc). You are on your own with this, but you got this! Put your oxygen mask on first mama...get a babysitter and go out! Meet with your school. It sounds like your child should not be in special ed. If he takes his meds he will do better in school, less fighting, better behavior, better grades. Reassure him that you believe in him, there is nothing wrong with him. That ADHD is a gift and he is not stupid. All of this may take a lot of work, but over time, it will pay off.

[Mmagusin in reply to dermis63]

Well said! You read my mind!

[cjsmonkey in reply to dermis63]

Love ur consequence ideas. And inventive to take his own Med when at dads but only if you think he’s responsible to take prescribed amount. Just give the number of pills needed. Like the idea court order for dad to give meds.

[Mmagusin]

I agree completely with Dermis63. Our son has had similar issues. We were also told to call police. I’d never do this unless I feared for my life. Police are not trained social workers. Some might even use force to ‘calm’ him down. You got this. We took a course in parenting ADHD/ODD kids. We found these tactics very helpful beyond getting the meds right. I highly recommend. You have to become his therapist and his ‘rock’ in life. I also say, take care of yourself physically & emotionally. You need it & he needs you healthy & strong both in body & spirit. Always vent on this web site. We’re all here to support you!

[cjsmonkey in reply to Mmagusin]

I agree well said

[Grateful17]

I agree with others. Don’t call the police. There might be the select few that would be compassionate to the mother and nicely talk to your son. For the most part, it could be outrageous and they could turn it on you and threaten that your kid will be taken away! I heard in Texas that if they come to a house for a domestic issue, no matter what, they take someone to the station or overnight in jail! Can you imagine?! I sure hope those irrational episodes get better! Those games make kids feel like addicts and he HAD to get his fix! Isn’t it scary! I fought so much with my son at that age to stop, stop gaming! He lost all ability and interest in anything else! I’m actually thankful that he grew interested in girls and cars! Take care. We are here for you.

[cjsmonkey]

Thanks for sharing. I have an 11 yr son too with ADHD. It sounds like your son’s aggressive behavior is learned from his dad. My advice not to call police and actually just keep being supportive and loving. Is the counselor working with your son on positive coping skills when he is angry? That’s what he needs.

My son likes to draw & listen to music to calm down. Believe me he does have poor impulse control too by yelling, hitting (but not the norm), back talking. This is the age of puberty too so his hormones are changing. My husband & I get stressed & frustrated too.

What Med is he on & how long? Maybe needs a Med change.

Hang in there glad u reached out for support.

[Madmarie in reply to cjsmonkey]

Thank you. We are working with a therapist, and I try to teach him coping skills. He has been so good, and his behavior as been on the upswing, both at home and school. We took a step back, and I will get him back on track.

He is on Methylphenidate 40mg. He’s been on it for almost 4yrs now. He also is on a low dose of guanfacine, he’s started that about 6 months ago. I do think it’s helping with some of the mood swings. It may be time to increase his dosage. I definitely plan on talking to his Dr. about it next visit. Thanks for your support.

[snflwrgrl]

My ex husband used to pour my son’s medicine out in front of me in the Walmart parking lot before he would take him for the weekend. Putting my son on that medication was a grueling decision to start with and I remember many times feeling depressed and upset and so frustrated! I’m so sorry you are going through this! My ex-husband wasn’t allowed to see our son for eight months because of his own behavior (throwing out his medicine). My son like your son was diagnosed with ADHD, was taken out of class for tests, and my son and I both saw a counselor for many years. My son was on one medication that made him get very emotional and angry when it was leaving his system. We had his medication changed and that behavior went away. I don’t know if that would be the case with your son but it’s something to consider. <3 When your son has bad behavior is there ever a consequence along with the love you give him for the way he has acted after he has calmed down and is sorry for it? I would imagine it would be very hard to call the police on your own son. That could be something only a loving, caring mother like yourself would understand the difficulty of. But you also need to make sure that you’re safe. A book really helped me during all of my son’s growing up years. It’s called the power of the praying parent by Stormie Omartian. I highly, highly recommend it! It helped me fall asleep many nights when I couldn’t on my own. It’s a very comforting book. You are not alone! I will be praying for you, for God‘s direction and for peace with your decisions. Don’t lose hope! My son is now a college graduate, no longer on medication, married, and has a good job. Hang in there my friend!! Biggest supportive hug ever!

[Madmarie in reply to snflwrgrl]

My son is definitely getting consequences at my house, he has to do chores, and is definitely held accountable for his behavior. It was such a grueling decision to put him on medication, and I’m so glad I did! He was so behind academically, and could barely read or write. He now is doing much better, he’s been working with the same tutor for three years now, his reading at grade level almost.

It is so frustrating, my ex is so spiteful, and bitter about the divorce, and my son is paying the price. He counters everything I try to do. I realize he is no help, and will NEVER, reach out for his help again. He could careless what this is doing to our son. He babies him, and blames his behavior on me. He doesn’t feel that he should be grounded, has even told my son that I over react when he gets in trouble.

That being said my son knows that I’m his one consistent, I do think he gets more emotional around me, because I’m his safe haven. It’s hard, and can be incredibly isolating. I have no choice to keep plugging along. Thank you so much for your kind words, it sounds like you can relate. It feels nice to know I’m not alone with my feelings. I will definitely look for the book.

[snflwrgrl in reply to Madmarie]

I do relate and my heart sincerely goes out to you. When I was in the court system going through my divorce they assigned my exhusband and I a mediator. I never forgot something she said. She said a child will turn out good as long as they have one good, sound, secure parent and from that point forward I was determined to be that parent. I applaud you! You’re that one parent too. <3 God Bless You!! and may He watch over you and your son always.

[Sullivan47]

I’m so sorry, my 11 year old is similar he can’t drop anything, I’ve started giving him magnesium kids chewable when he gets amped up it has made a world of difference. Very calming

[katcald]

I am so so sorry. Your son is lucky to have a mom like you. I know how hard it is but hang in there.

[JkBrauer]

Hello Madmarie,

I am sorry to hear about all the frustration and confusion you are going through right now. Good for you, keeping a positive state of mind and spirit. One of the hardest lessons I have learned in life and I still keep learning- is that all our storms are lessons that we need to learn from. Helping us to build character and wisdom, that someday what we may have learned might help us through another storm or we might be able to help someone else.

Food for Thought: Remember your sons' thought process is not like an average teenage kid, you will have to get creative, learn his body language. Most special needs kids need to be communicated with questions that make them think. I.E. (So, your son is arguing about the V-bucks with you- instead of arguing, try questioning him. "Why do you want the V-buck? Is this how you are supposed to act to get them? How do you think you can earn them the right way?..." If he answers each question appropriately acknowledge it in a positive manner. Then try ending the conversation by asking the question what do you think we should do together to solve this dilemma?) However this is not an easy task and he will probably try to weasel around it. Keep drawing him back to the subject at hand with the questions and with all your patient's try to remain calm during the duration of the conversation. If you need to excuse yourself to the bathroom to take a break and then see how the outcome might play out after you return to finish the conversation. You might find that he has moved onto something else. You are a great wife and mother. My hat is off to you!

[Madmarie in reply to JkBrauer]

Thank you! I’ll take your advice, and try that next time.

[JkBrauer in reply to Madmarie]

I know you will do well what ever comes about. You are a loving mom!