I have a daughter with ADHD(diagnosed @age 4) . She is turning 21 on the 15th of this month and I am growing more concerned about her not being self sufficient... She has absolutely no motivation whatsoever to do anything!
I have always had high hopes that one day she would just wake up and she would have the ambition it takes to be a successful adult, I've always stood.by her ...supported her in every way...fought the schools when they wanted to give up on her...I've never given up on her and I never will, but I'm really tired ...
She doesn't drive....I honestly don't know if she'd even stay home alone overnight by herself if I decided to go away for a day or.two ....
I've tried distancing myself from her to see if possibly that would help her think with her own brain instead of overworking mine, but I feel like I'm being mean ....I just want what I've always wanted for her...to be an independent, successful young lady....
Anyone else have this problem?
I could sure use some advice...thanks
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Tiffany1973
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Hi there, I have Inattentive ADHD and was not diagnosed until my mid 20s. I am currently in grad school and have studied ADHD for a few years now. It sounds like your daughter might have the Inattentive subtype of ADHD like myself. My assessment is based off what you said of her lack of motivation and you having to fight for her to demonstrate to schools that she is cable. That story rings near to home for me. My teachers would always tell my parents as a teen that I had great intelligence and a creative mind, but never applied myself or was lazy, and my own parents much like yourself, had to fight for me. The inattentive subtype of ADHD is really different from the Hyperactive subtype of ADHD. While the hyperactive subtypes are more energetic, motivated, and immersing themselves in many activities, the Inattentive subtypes are immensely introspective, sedentary, lethargic, more quite, mostly introverted, and are only motivated to do or get involved in something only if they absolutely love it.
Since your daughter was diagnosed at age 4, I assume she is on ADHD medication. If not, that is something you definitely want to look into, particularly a low dose stimulant.
After taking stimulant medication for around 6 months or more, the neurotransmitters the stimulant medication helps out with (Dopamine, Serotonin, Norepinephrine) will start to deplete, which is why negative side effects start popping up, like irritability, apathy, and feeling like the medication is no longer working. This is why I highly recommend supplements to take with the medication, to combat negative side effects, help eliminate the irritable/emotional come down once the medication wears off, and help the medication work to its best potential.
For this I recommend:
N-Acetyl Tyrosine: To help the depleted Dopamine and Norepinephrine neurotransmitters (to be taken an hour or 30min before taking the medication and an hour before the medication wears off.) This will greatly help with motivation and concentration.
Tryptophan: To help the depleted Serotonin, thus greatly lowering anxiety and elevating one's mood/sociability.
Also as a plus, I highly recommend CoQ10, to keep her heart rate and blood pressure healthy and stop them from rising, as is common with stimulant medication. A good organic multivitamin with antioxidants is also highly important. And R-Alpha Lipoic acid, because it is known to be the strongest antioxidant supplement out there, and stimulant medication causes a lot of oxidation which needs to be combated. If you follow this guideline, it will greatly help with the tactics you yourself are already doing by distancing yourself in a healthy manner to help your daughter become more independent.
If you click on my picture, it will take you to my profile where I have a few links where I have a list of every supplement I take and why. It is only a google word-doc I made of information, nothing is being sold. Also I have a video series I made for people with Inattentive ADHD the issues we face from Elementary school through adulthood (this will give some detailed insight into the life and mind of someone with Inattentive ADHD), that link is also on my profile.
I understand. I have many friends, clients, and family members who are also the other subtypes of ADHD: combined types and hyperactive types. And they as well are very social and come up with very unrealistic ideas and become very pumped up about doing them, only to wake up the next day and have no motivation to get started, or to simply have forgotten their plan. This is why the starting and stopping of many projects is quite common. I have family members who have purchased $5000 dollar items, that still remain unopened months later. The lack of motivation and follow up are HUGE problems with ADHD. I believe those supplements I mentioned would be a great addition to the medication, along with delegating more tasks of independence. A good amount of people with ADHD of all subtypes develop what is known as learned helplessness. This regimine I have has helped multiple clients with ADHD who developed learned helplessness symptoms. It is not an overnight thing, but with follow up, the positive results will come.
After all these years, you and she have some well-worn habits. You have tried to "help" her (with the best of intentions I know!), but what it has done is hampered her ability to build those 'independence muscles' she needs to function on her own as an adult (which can only be built and strengthened when she's allowed to make her own choices and deal with the results of those choices). The result of all this "help" you've given her along the way is that she hasn't had to be independent because
she's had you ready and willing to step in and do things for her. And, you being there for her when she's needed you has made you feel good as a parent. Changing these habits will be uncomfortable for both of you but the results will be worth it!
I think the most important thing for you to do FIRST as you move forward is to uncover and process your own thoughts and beliefs about what it means to be a "good parent" and learn the difference between empowering and enabling so that you can start to make parenting decisions from a place of confidently knowing that it's the best thing for her and her future--even if it feels uncomfortable for you to know she might 'fail' if you don't jump in.
I realize I've enabled her behavior over the years and have been trying over the past four years to let go and let her do things on her own...I finally even dated after not doing so for 10 years....
But as I was finding a little bit of happiness for myself, I was also feeling guilty that I was off doing something fun with someone other than her while she was stuck at home doing nothing....
She found her own happiness, but not the good kind. She met a bit online and ended up running away.
This was totally devastating to me !
I felt responsible.
I've always felt so bad for her because she's never had any friends to do anything with. And I tried so hard keeping her in social activities...young life was one, but yet again, nobody connected with her.
She can get along with anyone , no matter if they're 10 or 110...but the feeling isn't always mutual for them .
I have lost friends from 30 years ...a guy that I absolutely adored, all because none of them truly understand.
And now, as a result of my guilt I sit alone just so she won't be alone...
I am so sorry you're going through this but I really think there is hope if you really want to change things. You can't change what she does or doesn't do, but you can change your own thoughts, emotions and behaviors, which will have a positive ripple effect.
You likely need some help with this so I strongly suggest you reach out and get some counseling help, for you as well as for her. (Even if you have tried it before, it would still be good to try again with someone who could help you work on your guilt and enabling tendencies and help you shift how you think about things, which then will impact how you feel and what actions you take.) I think your daughter could also really benefit from having her own life coach; someone to help her set goals, help hold her accountable and cheer her on. You could look on the CHADD site for a list.
One thing to keep in mind in the meantime is that you are her biggest role model. So you are actually doing her a favor and setting a really positive example by living a happy life yourself! If you start focusing on yourself, she'll be much more likely to be inspired to make changes in her own life.
My daughter went a bit off the track in her early twenties. Finally got herself together late 20s ,went back to college ,got a degree, and now has a really good job. Not the things are all rosy still have to watch for her moods.
At one point I never thought she would manage on her own. But as she got older I stopped supporting her, stopped paying for everything, stopped bailing her out.
Yes she drives. She really needs to be on some anxiety medicine but just never gets around to getting on it. Sounds like your daughter has major anxiety issues. She on medication for ?
She took drivers Ed last year and drove on the highway ...wasn't scared a bit ..but she didn't pass and hasn't taken the innovative to study or take the test again.
As far as staying home by herself,she stays home by herself all the time, just not all night long before ...
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