Here to learn

[LucyWin]

Hey, I am a mum to a 13 year old with pretty severe ADHD, behaviour is a constant struggle and mixed with me being menopausal, not a great combo. Here to learn how to better manage the constant battle and be a better parent. Mainly ok to manage but sometimes totally overwhelming.

[Shamasamdrew]

Welcome! You will get a lot of great advice here. The teen years are tough for sure and what a thoughtful parent you are to try to seek out guidance to support for your daughter and yourself. My son is 18 now and I find I have gotten the best advice from other parents. Hope that is your experience too!

[Pema20]

welcome and thank you also for acknowledging the challenges of managing and supporting a teen with ADHD while getting hit with menopause! I said to a friend the other day that it’s like natures cruel joke to have the teen years and menopause concide. I have found HRT to be helpful, for what it is worth. The mantra “My kid is not giving me a hard time, my kid is having a hard time” Has also helped me remember not to take it personally. Hang in there, I found the 13-17 years to be particularly challenging, but there are ups with the downs. You are not alone.

[LucyWin in reply to Pema20]

Thanks for the sound advice and that is a great mantra! I forget that sometimes and coupled with my own hormones think it's personal!!! Yep nature at its best LOL

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Pema20]

I agree ours is 17 1/2 and we finally feel like we are really heading in a great direction. He is off to college in August.

He has really benefited from: therapy, educational plan ( which is going with him to college) and medication (which is going with him to college.

He has a job and bank account...

He is heading to college and has a career in mind.

We are always here to support you, any time you need support and advice.

[LucyWin in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you so much, it really does help. My son is medicated and actually identified as higher ability but so hard to see what is just teenager or ADHD and he has zero interest in trying at school, pretty crappy attitude but also very caring so it's a constant pull and push. But it's wonderful there is possibly light at the end of tunnel and amazing to hear about your son, you must be so proud !

[Pema20]

I agree with in the move. Ours benefitted from therapy and we from parent coaching. Highly recommend that. I feel like parenting a teen with ADHD requires Ninja Warrior parenting status. It was a lot of hard work, but just here to say, you can and will get through. If he is open to it an executive function coach could help. Ours was not open - still a source of frustration. Yet she also is off to college and while she is struggling a bit with the fact that she’s no longer a kid and it’s time to start playing adult, she is making the transition. There are many paths to success in life, they will all get there, somehow, with love and support - even if sometimes they can make it really difficult to like them, especially in the teen years. It’s a long game, just keep playing.

[LucyWin in reply to Pema20]

More wise words. We have tried the therapy approach and he's not interested at all, since he was diagnosed it's been intense so he associates ADHD as something awful and shuts down when discussing it but perhaps as he matures more he will be more open. I wish I had a crystal ball to see it is ok then i can stop stressing so much. I worry he'll make bad decision and get in trouble so all I can do it try to guide him and support him and then drink my wine to relax LOL

[Pema20]

Oh, that illusive crystal ball! 🔮 I so want it too!! Let me know if you find a supplier. It is important that he learn that ADHD is a super power, it has major up sides - energy, creativity, thinking outside the box, etc. - the down sides just need to be managed. Watch the “how to ADHD” videos and see if he might be willing to watch them (mine was a hard no, but some kids are open to them and they are great). For therapists, right fit is really important. Ours resisted for nine months. At one point I asked her if she had someone to talk to, what would that ideal person be like - age, gender, personality, ethnicity, etc. I made my own list - minimum LICSW, specializes in ADHD and anxiety, skilled in cognitive behavioral therapy. The I spent those long hard months finding people with openings. I researched and called and asked around and eventually found three people. When the door opened a crack I said, “hey, a lot of therapists suck, but the good ones are really good, you just have to find them. I have three people. Will you meet with each of them once and if you like one, you can do a few more sessions and see if it will work?” This put her in control and it worked! She hated the first, the second was meh but the third was the purple unicorn and she’s been a god send. My daughter has been seeing her for two years now. You might also find the ADHDdude.com site helpful (terrible name, good content). He specializes in ADHD and boys , has good parent resources and does not cost much. For parent support CHADD groups or impactparents.com.

[LucyWin in reply to Pema20]

That is super useful and I really appreciate the guidance. He did have a guy who came into school for 6 weeks and was younger and they played football and chatted and that worked but outside of that it's a hard no too. I agree re the energy, creativity and ideas, but I truly think when he's a bit older he'll start to see that. I will defo check out the links and suggestions, and really do appreciate it.

[CaliforniaGirlMom in reply to Pema20]

Love this reply! My 13 year old daughter is resistant to therapy because she doesn't want to talk about her personal life with someone she "doesn't know." I do think it's important to meet with each one and see how they connect. Have you found that therapists are willing to have an initial meeting to see how things go, even if it doesn't result in an ongoing connection? Also, have you (or anyone else reading this) found therapists that are willing to work with your child even when your child is resistant? Like, my husband and I are thinking, worst case scenario, the therapist would sit with the kid being silent for a few sessions and/or not getting into stuff, and maybe try a few things until finally the kid opens up? Or maybe all that will be moot if I give my daughter some options like you did?

[Pema20 in reply to CaliforniaGirlMom]

I told all three therapist that we were “shopping around” they were all very supportive. We had to pay for the sessions, but finding the right fit is worth every penny (if you can afford it/have insurance). If your income is restrained I would explain that and ask if they would be willing to do a 15 minute meet and greet with your kid so they can explain a bit about how they work. Therapists get that fit makes a big difference and any good therapist will applaud you for seeking fit by shopping around. If they get huffy, walk away. If your child is resistant, again, give them some control by asking if they will give five sessions a try and if they don’t like it they can stop, but that would be after they pick the person they think might be the best fit. You can’t force them to go, but it’s reasonable to ask them to give it a try and make sure they have a say in who and what they want from therapy. Teenagers are desperate to have control of their lives so give it where you can/where reasonable.

In my experience, there are two things that make therapy work: 1) is the competence of the provider, 2) is fit. You need both. There are a lot of crappy/incompetent therapists. There are also good ones that just don’t click or have the wrong specialty. Make sure the person also has licensure - LICSW or psychologist. If they are a licensed mental health provider, best to have recommendations as most states don’t have strong standard for qualifications. Yet again, just because someone is qualified, doesn’t make them good and there are some excellent mental health counselors. No easy answer. Best of luck!!! I wept with exhaustion trying to find the right people, but I am so happy now that I kept looking. They’ve made a big difference.

[CaliforniaGirlMom in reply to Pema20]

Thank you so much, your posts are so helpful It's definitely a long, exhausting process, but worth it! 💜

[Pema20 in reply to CaliforniaGirlMom]

Glad it’s useful. Hang in there. This parenting thing is super hard.

[Pema20]

does that guy provide services outside of school? If he connected with him, would be great if you could expand on that. Having trusted adults is so important for them.

[LucyWin in reply to Pema20]

Sadly I tried that but as he's linked to another school he was reluctant, so I will keep digging