Advice Needed! My 9 year old told a lie.

[Brownstoner]

Hi, I’m looking for some parental advice. My 9 year old has ADHD combined and ODD. He recently has been going through or starting a habit of lying. Because I know kids do lie and I’ve talked with several adhd parents and it’s an ongoing struggle. So I receive a text from my sons 3rd grade teacher saying “ I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, I will pray for you and your strength . I immediately knew my son had told a huge lie and cannot figure out why or what could have gotten him in this situation to tell such a lie. Nothing happened to any of my brothers!! Do I ignore the message and wait until he gets home to find out details. Or do I message her back and tell her I have no ideas what she is referring to and let her duke out the lie . Knowing my anxious son will want to run and hide. My son happens to be a favorite kid of his teacher (which is a first since he’s been on medication, where he normally is the kids the teacher wishes for more absentees). This has been his best year thus far in school. I My son is a very anxious kid. Help ! Please give me your thoughts

[reg2018]

Lies with ADHD kids are tricky because there are different reasons why lies happen. Kids will sometimes lie because they don't want to get into trouble, and we all know that with ADHD kids they are getting into trouble more than other kids. It's a roll of the dice for them to see if they can get out of consequences. But there are also other situations which have to do with attention. Because these kids have difficulty with paying attention they aren't catching all of the information in every situation. In these situations they are often filling in the blanks as to what they think might have, could have, or must have happened logically speaking. It's why can be hard to trust what our kiddos say, not only because we're worried that they're lying on purpose, but also because they brain whether consiously or subconsiously is filling in the blank.

In situations where you're suspecting the truth, such as the one you've described, try to gather as much information as possible and without confrontation. If your son is doing well with this particular teacher and he did make up a story, it's an opportunity to find out why he felt the need to do that. If it was to gain attention, you can problem solve with him about other more appropriate ways to gain attention.

[Brownstoner in reply to reg2018]

Thank you! I did exactly that, I waited to talk to him to find out why. And encouraged him to be truthful with mom, so we together can find a solution. He simply said “I don’t know mom, I wanted to participate in the conversation we had in school, and I didn’t mean to say what I said. I wanted attention on me”. So from

There we talked about better ways to be apart of things without lying. Lying brings on trust issues, etc.

[Pajamasam36]

My boy is 14 he has ADHD,Tourettes ODD and Anxiety disorder.

He began his lying very young! It became a coping skill for his anxiety. We worked with him on trust issues through talk therapy with his psychologist.

This habit of lying can be managed through constantly helping the child feel safe. Make sure he understands that you are his safe place to tell the truth. We give minimum consequences for truth and more sever for lying. Not loosing our tempers is key to sucesss. Don’t give up. You are his best chance at being successful and his truest advocate in his life. Keep encouraging him and taking every opportunity to find things he has done that you can point out how proud you are of him. Use humor and laughter to lighten the situations and always defend him at school without excusing his behavior to the school teachers or administration. We wish you the best. We understand more than you know.

[Brownstoner in reply to Pajamasam36]

Wow thank you so much!!! This really really helps. These are all the things I do, and all the things that seem to help. Many people around (family and friends) often tell me I’m babying my son, I’m not letting him learn his lesson, etc. But I know my child . I talk with him, he feels safe with me, I understand him. While also holding him accountable for his actions. But thank you for this , not many people understand this.