Hi, I am looking for any type of advice for my 9 year old who has ADHD. He is unmedicated and we have done therapy with no improvement. The reason why he is unmedicated is because we were unable to find the right one and decided to give it a moment before we tried again. My oldest is on medication and it helps him so much. What we are struggling with is extremely reactive one sided behavior. For instance, he doesn't like it when his sister scoots over to be closer to him yet he always does the same to be close to his older brother. He will put a hand out to stop the chair from moving, get loud and then if she doesn't stop, he wil physically push/hit her. I cannot get through to him in those moments. He reacts this way whether the situation is big or small. I tell him to listen to my voice, to trust that I will take care of it, to stop and walk away but nothing can snap him out of the moment. After he will be extremely argumentative. He will refuse to take accountability and insist it's the other persons fault. Because if his sister didn't try to sit next to him then he wouldn't have gotten upset. I try to explain he is the one who controls how he reacts. This is just an example of what we I deal with on the daily. I can even coach him ahead of time and let him know what may happen but he still gets upset when it does happen. The thing is he explodes, gets stuck in his feelings and then 10 minutes later it's as if nothing happened and he's back in La La land. This behavior is making is really difficult to take him to family events because I feel like I am always having to monitor his reactions. Has anyone experienced this and what has helped? Thank you!
Reactive behavior 9 year old ADHD - CHADD's ADHD Pare...
Reactive behavior 9 year old ADHD
I come at this from an ADD/ASD lens, so it might not be right for your situation. The situation you describe sounds to me like one where your son has difficulty with perspective taking. Speech therapists work on perspective taking a lot with kids who struggle with social skills (pragmatic language). A visual tool to show different perspectives and how varying actions can lead to varying outcomes is the social behavior map by Michelle Garcia Winner. An explanation of how to create one and a template is here: thewatsoninstitute.org/wats....
Speech teachers versed in pragmatic language deficits can also teach how to bring up (and how not to) a disagreement (timing, staying calm, using I-statements, etc) and how to respond to one that someone takes up with you. Just a thought.
Thank you so much for this. Yes, I believe you are right. I can explain the situation quite clearly or the situation speaks for itself, but in the end he is stuck on what he sees/feels. I try to explain it again and then I eventually lose him from over explaining. I really like the approach you suggested and am going to take some time to go over it again so that hopefully we can start implementing it at home. It looks promising! Thank you!
Wow! It is almost as if you just wrote about my son right now! He is 8 and not medicated and behaves in the exact same way…especially with his siblings! We are bringing him to a therapist weeklyand I was just saying what are we doing this for because it’s not working and he is not using any of the strategies he is learning there! I can’t get through to him either in those moments and you’re absolutely right…ten minutes go by and it’s as if it never happened! But everyone else in our home feels upset by it and the day is mostly chaotic in our house as a direct result of these behaviors…it’s gotten so hard for us too! I’m sorry I have no solution to offer but grateful to see we are not the only ones going through this!!! Hoping maybe someone can help! Thanks for posting this and good luck!!!
It is so tough. I have 4 kids and like you said, it gets very chaotic and all of us are being affected by it. I'll be honest, I have even cried in front of the kids from being so overwhelmed and the son that I posted about will just be singing, dancing or tapping along to some beat as if I'm not standing there on the verge of a breakdown. I know it's not his fault though. I know he does feel bad but his mind is just always going a mile a minute. Hopefully we'll all find some sound advice and if not, at least we know we are not alone. Big hugs and good luck to you as well!
I am following this thread, as my son also has these behaviors.
Last night I was talking with my friend who is a special education teacher. She suggested that we train my son with the following saying, ‘When you see red, go see an adult.’ She said to hang it up all over the house. When your son comes to you instead of reacting, give him tons of praise and his favorite toy/treat, and talk through what he was feeling and what the other person was feeling.
I’m going to give it a try this week…fingers crossed.
I actually have tried something very similar and am thinking of maybe going back. The way I did it was I had three colors; red, orange and green. On the red paper I listed his out of control unacceptable behaviors ie hitting, screaming, destroying things over, etc. Orange was the behaviors where I could see it leading to red like talking back, disrespectful name calling, stomping feet or clenching first. Green was when he would get upset and handle it with coping skills like counting, breathing, walking away, letting an adult handle it. I had them lined up on his wall and big where he could see. When an issue would arise, I'd say you're on red, let's get back down to green. If he was able to I'd give him a sticker and when he filled up his sticker sheet, I'd reward him with a small treat of his choice ie $5 robux gift card, ice cream, slime, extra playtime ... Handling a situation on green on his own earned him double stickers. The goal was to recognize that orange leads to red, eventually catch onto the patterns of his emotions and try his best to use his green coping skills. Let me know how it goes with the "when you see red, go to an adult." I wish my son would do this! He def takes things into his own hands 😫
Wonderful strategies!!!!
Medication. Also talking to his sister. Tell her she is not at fault but that he has trouble processing some interactions. Having her not sit by him if she keeps doing what he had asked her not to do might help.Is he in counseling? A good counselor also helps a child think out situations and how to react.
Good luck.
Hello, my son was exactly like this. Space conflict , didn’t like anyone being in his bubble, Would get aggressive, if he can’t get his sweater on properly then he gets mad at the sweater as if it was the sweaters fault ect ect I noticed throughout kindergarten that he was struggling. After kindergarten finished, he got diagnosed inattentive adhd with suspected autism and we got him on medication while waiting for the referral to go through for autism. Now he is like a totally different child with some struggles like not wanting to leave the house from nervousness. Biphentin 10mg once a day he is on. He is still overly fidgety but the big issues have subsided. Anxiety played a big role also. What I find helpful besides meditation was a lot of self learning online through trusted sites. There’s also an app called Alison.com that has a lot of skill learning for autism, and ADHD.
We did A lot of calm talking and explaining regarding behaviours that was not appropriate helps too, along with a lot of redirecting . As we all know, we can bang our head against the wall on these ones.
Yes! The most minor thing sets him off and discourages him. Even if I'm right there helping him, he remains stuck on being upset. Even after I provide a solution or answer, he's still upset. I often have to just wait it out for him to reset himself.
Sounds like some emotional dysregulation. I experienced it with my son. Medications did not help. The psychiatrist ultimately recommended broad spectrum micronutrients. There are two companies, Hardy Nutritionals and True Hope. We began using Hardy Nutritionals, and they made a huge impact on his behavior. He had been on them for four years and is still doing well. You may want to research them and take them into consideration. Wishing you the best!
this sounds a lot like my 8 year old son. We are working on it in therapy right now. We knew he had anxiety and suspected ADHD but the dr thinks it’s actually ODD, so we she has implementing some ODD parenting techniques and continuing to try to teach emotional regulation. It’s very challenging and I sympathize with your struggles!
So many great suggestions from members.You seem to really understand what is going on. It sounds like you also understand that he is not a Neurotypical kid and he does not have ( right now) have the ability to control himself. You could try role modeling with him. It's acting out what is happening and showing him a better way to handle it.
I am not sure what your medication journey was like, but having a child psychiatrist help you could really be a game changer. When we got one on board and got the right dose, type and correct timing our son's behavior really changed a lot.
We are always here to support you, thanks for joining us.
Thank you! I am currently switching to a psychiatrist for my oldest. Our appointment is in October. I am hoping they'll be able to fine tune his medication. I noticed that what he is currently on isn't working the same and his ped does not want to change his med or dose. Unfortunately that psychiatrist treats 13 and up so I am still searching for my 9 year old.
Aspen797 took the words right out of my mouth. Our son had this exact behavior for years and didn’t improve with ADHD parent training and multiple other ADHD behavioral recommendations. It This makes me concerned for autism and not just isolated ADHD. It suggests a difficulty putting yourself in the other person’s shoes—-no concept of that person’s perspective. I would think seriously about an autism evaluation. These were the fires we were putting out all day long before our son was diagnosed. He had zero understanding of what he was doing, and no standard discipline intervention helped, because those recommendations are written for kids without autism. He got angry and escalated anytime we gave feedback about the behavior. Parenting advice for plain ADHD, IMHO, isn’t successful for these kids if they have undiagnosed autism. Best wishes 💕💕💕
PS You’re not alone!!!! This is a tough journey and feels 1000x harder than what other parents and their children endure. Sending you big hugs. I don’t mean to sound brusque in my response—-I just want to spare anyone the 8-10 professionals and $$$$ and years of suffering we endured as a family without an accurate diagnosis and ability to start appropriate social skills support. I do not expect our son will function like someone not on the spectrum. I just want him to feel less unhappy and frustrated constantly.
PPS sorry, 1 other thought: I now use strategies with our son (totally verbal) that I have used for our daughter (ASD, significant speech delay—-speech skills are behind 99% of 9 year olds when tested). Our daughter will get upset & start growling or throwing something (minor like a paper napkin) or knock over her water cup—at a meal for example when frustrated. I will say, “I’m wondering if ___________” and fill in the blank with what I’m guessing she’s mad about. She calms down pretty quickly when she realizes I have verbalized her feelings. Then I help her do deep breathing etc and once calm, she and I review “I’m wondering—can you think of something you can do next time?” Etc. I am slowly understanding that our son, although very verbal, freezes up in frustration & suddenly cannot handle situations or can’t solve a problem when flooded with emotions. When I give him a minute & try that approach, it has actually helped a lot. He is very wary, because I yelled at him previously for this behavior out of my own anger & frustration. I thought he would be upset and think I was treating him like a little kid—-actually this approach has been really successful! Not in preventing his frustration but in defusing his anger and meltdowns. I hope it helps someone.
I couldn't agree more! I feel like so many strategies don't work for my son. I find that any incentive has to be short term in order for him to be motivated. At school, everything was a month long in order to be rewarded and he simply did not care to even try. He would praise his friends, say wow that's really cool maybe I'll earn that, get excited about doing well one day but the next day would come and he would forget. I call him 50 first dates (after the movie) because every day or even second is a new day for him. It's like he completely forgets what just happened. I love his heart though. He exudes joy and has such a funny, smart, caring personality. It's just when he has his one of his episodes, it takes over him completely. So hard to manage. And like you said, I would not be surprised if he were to be diagnosed on the spectrum. My oldest is high functioning autism on top of severe adhd. It is wild though because the two of them couldn't be anymore different. I will def try verbalizing what he is feeling. Because my son does the same thing you mentioned. The growling and throwing something. I appreciate your response and advice!
You're very welcome! Our son can be the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate person ever. And as a mom, it's heartbreaking knowing that the wider world may not be able to see that, when he struggles this way. I can only hope that, with time, some people will see it. Hugs to you and everyone here trying to help the world see the best in their awesome kids.
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