Mother of a child with adhd

I am a mother of 3 and my eldest was diagnosed with adhd 2 years ago he is 8 and it has really tooken a toll. Most of the time I cry because I cant understand and accept whats going on he has anger issues and I get calls almost every other day he got into fights with other kids that get him upset and he cant calm down any advice helps I just sometimes feel alone

[sheila1kerry]

If you live in the U.K. You should surely be able to get help. Does your child take medication to help? You sound as if you need real support. Have you tried talking to the school about the anger and fighting problems, they may be able to give some kind of help. I am sure people on here will be able to tell you who you can contact for help. I feel so sorry for you both as i know it can be difficult.

Just a little bit of hope, they slowly grow out of worst symptoms, in my experience. My son is now a wonderful young man of 27yrs and i thank God for him every day. He now cares for me as i am unwell and disabled. So all the struggles in the early years were worth it. I would do it all again. Love, hugs and buckets of patience really help.

P.S. don't forget to make time for yourself, find someone to give you a break, even if it is only an hour or two.

Wishing you all the best life can offer.

Sheila1kerry

[Hidden in reply to sheila1kerry]

thanks ppl tell me it gets easier it's just like I said dealing with it on a day to day is hard he just got suspended for threating another student and saying he would hurt him this is the third day this week since Monday he's threated a different student. hes seeing his counselor and psych today am hoping the can help. hes currently taking starrtera and intutiv for his adhd

[sheila1kerry in reply to Hidden]

I just read Joyces response to your post, it is excellent advice and clearly explained. I totally agree that you should get yourself some help and support, if you lose your strength how will that help your children.

Talk to people, reach out to friends and family. You may be pleasantly suprised. I wish you peace and patience, you need both.

Sheila1kerry

[Flournahfam in reply to sheila1kerry]

That is so true! Making time for yourself is extremely important and probably one of the things we least do for ourselves.

[sheila1kerry in reply to Flournahfam]

Yes it is easy to forget to take care of ourselves when we see a problem. Then if you become ill , who will hold everything together.

Sheila1kerry

[Hidden]

Hi, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time but it's time for a new plan and a new way of dealing with things because dealing with ADHD is a marathon, not a sprint and in order for you to be able to best help your son (and stay happy and sane and strong through the challenges), you need to first help yourself so that you are in a more strong emotional place. You will not be in a very good position to give him the help and support he needs if you are in a bad place yourself.

Support groups can help, as can hiring a therapist or parent coach even for a few times--someplace you can share your feelings, see that you are not alone, get some ideas for how to cope, etc. Whichever you choose, the bottom line is that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of your kids. Especially when they have challenges like ADHD.

It's normal that you are feeling overwhelmed and even that you are grieving a bit due to the realization that he will likely have some big challenges in his life. And the day to day challenges are not easy to deal with, especially when you have other children in the home. But just as you would if he received a diagnosis of, say, diabetes or something like that, you have to accept that this a your new "normal" and you must find a way to deal with it in a way that best meets his needs and the needs of the rest of the family. (You may not like it that you have this to deal with and just want to cry, but you do have to find a way to accept it because it IS.)

Your job as a parent is to help him cope with his challenges in the best way he can so that he learns some skills and tools that will carry over into adulthood (my son is now in his 20s and uses a lot of the tips and tricks for organization and remembering things that he learned in middle school.) So the first step for you is to understand exactly what you are dealing with (find out as much as you can about ADHD and exactly how it manifests in your son), and to learn how to deal with those challenges--educate yourself on exactly what his needs are (impulse control issues, anger issues) and figure out a plan for dealing with them, whether it's medication, or counseling, or special education services at school, etc. Help and information is out there, you just need to seek it out.

You also need to find a way to cope with his behavior. As parents, we often take the behavior of our kids personally, as if what they do and how they act is a reflection on our parenting. This is the biggest thing you need to shift: your thoughts about his behavior. He's acting the way he does because of his ADHD. That doesn't mean you excuse his behavior or look the other way; it just means you learn about it, realize that in a lot of ways he can't "help" it, and shift your focus to finding ways to accommodate his specific needs and teach him ways to cope so that he can function in school and at home with less stress, conflict and issues (he is probably just as unhappy as you--no one likes to be in trouble all the time! I'm sure he'd love to learn some other ways of dealing with things too!)

As someone who has been there, I can tell you: You will have good days and bad days but as time goes on, it will get easier. I promise. I 100% agree with the other commenter sheila1kerry: there is hope. It will get better. With the right help and support, you can make it through this and your son can become a happy, productive adult.

I hope this helps!

Joyce Mabe

Parenting Coach, school counselor, author, mom of adult son with ADHD

parentcoachjoyce.com

[sheila1kerry in reply to Hidden]

Wonderful advice Joyce. I was dealing with this 20 yrs ago whennthere was nowhere near as much known about it and less ways to access the information. The internet is a great tool for finding information. My best advice came from a book on ADHD that gave me that hope for his future. I am so glad i understood that as it helped me through the dark days.

I hope you write about ADHD as you have a wonderful way with words. A list of tips on this site would probably help a lot of young mums.

Kind regards, Sheila1kerry

[BVBE in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much. I needed to read all of that.

[sheila1kerry]

Hi Jennifer, you have rally touched me with your story about how your life has been affected by this awful illness. It got me thinking back to those days, to some of the breakthrough moments that changed things for the better. There was one thing my Liam loved, cars! He was car mad, one day it dawned on me to try to use it to help him. At that point i was struggling to teach him the basics such as reading and writing. He was not stupid, he just would not concentrate. So we got books on cars, magazines on cars, videos on cars. It really , really helped. Everything else he would not focus on for more than a couple of minutes, cars he would watch for hours and hours and hours. Car crash programmes fascinated him, stange but it worked. He passed his driving test at 17 as he had been learning from a young age. It was my way to calm him, put him in the car, take him somewhere then teach him in a safe place. He now runs his own business, owns a car and a van. Has a wonderful girlfriend who lives with us. He basically has a really good life.

Try to find that one thing in your son. Ask him what he enjoys doing if you are not sure. If you find it , you will have a great way to communicste with him.

I keep thinking about you and your struggling, i hope and pray you can find some help and support. Reach out to Joyce, i am sure she will be able to point you in the right direction to get help.

Love and a huge hug for both you and all your children.

Sheila1kerry

[Hidden in reply to sheila1kerry]

thanks Shelia I'm trying to keep strong for him And I will look into something that will catch him he does like music maybe i can use that some how

[sheila1kerry in reply to Hidden]

Hi Jennifer, music sounds like a great start. What type of music? Maybe you could look into if he likes to sing as well. If he does that could be your hook to his learning about words. Maybe encourage him to write his own little songs, that type of thing. More importantly it can be a bridge between you. My Liam loves rap music, so i learned to love it too. He would come to me with his favourites and we listened together. So much better than having to chase him around the house to get him ready for bed. I used to feel so helpless and hopeless at times, but as i said, once i started to understand that it was not deliberate, be was wired differently and i had to learn to follow his wires, rather than try to make him follow mine. You will find your way i am sure. It must be hard on your other children as well.

Remember " tomorrow is another day" take a deep breath and count to 100 when you feel yourself losing it.

Much love❤️

[Hidden in reply to sheila1kerry]

thanks I will certainly use this advice....thanks for the support

[sheila1kerry]

Hi Jennifer, message me anytime i am usually awake until the early hours.

Take care, huge hugs. ❤️

[Queenmomverne79]

I definitely understand

[ChristinaReader]

"Taking charge of ADHD" by Russel Barkley has some chapters on conflict management and making behavior contracts with your teens. Good luck!

[maluvzla]

You are not alone, I have felt tired, hopeless and cried before as well. I just joined this group, you may read my post. My child has ADHD and has the anger issues. This can be controlled, but it is hard at first because we as parents can feel exhausted, confused and misguided. The first step to help your child is to admit that he has a condition and a lot of it he can not control. Talk to your doctor about beginning a cognitive behavioral therapy with a counselor to help coach him in his behavior, talk to the doctor to see if medication is an option for you guys and what this would do to your Childs body and if it could help him succeed in school. Talk to his teacher, explain to her his situation, schools usually will give children that has been diagnosed extra time in class to complete work. Talk to the school counselor about his behavior and set up a plan, it is important that the school knows you are willing to work together to help your child and let them know what your doctor suggests. My doctor suggested for my son to have his own save place when he gets mad, interfering with him when he gets mad may cause the problem to get bigger, it is better to leave the child alone and do not reprimand immediately but only after the fact maybe ten minutes later, then the situation can be addressed without the child getting angry, defiant or aggressive. And most importantly remember that he can not control his feelings, impulses and anger feelings it just comes out but with the right treatment and coaching it can be controlled. The condition does not have a cure but we can coach them to control it.

[Misty3boys]

I’m also a mom of 3 boys and my youngest acts out but he doesn’t get in fights but his school constantly calls me on minor situations. He can’t focus but he has good grades I’m having a hard time understanding what I can do to help him, he was on medicine about 5 years ago and me and his dad are divorced and he was at his dads for his appt and they upped his meds and it was horrible he had mood swings anger issues everything, so he had to be slowly taken off the meds and I hate to say I’m considering meds again but he’s with me full time but two weekends out of the month..

[Misty3boys]

Hey my name is Misty I’m a mom of 3 boys who I love so very much, my youngest child struggles with behavioral problems at school he’s been wrote up 9 times just this year for minor situations, I am trying so very hard to maintain myself but when I’m at the school more than I’m at home for him getting in trouble it gets very aggravating, there’s times where he is so good but then there’s times when he acts out, I’ve tried everything from meds to discipline, I’m lost and I need advice...