At the end of my rope.

[jtlee4203]

I am a father of two boys, 8 and 1 1/2, who has been struggling with a way to help my 8 year old with adhd. He was diagnosed about 6 months ago and things have gotten slightly easier for the most part. However, within the past month he has driven me to question my ability to and also my qualifications to be a parent. On two seperate occasions now I have had to leave my house just to create as much distance between him and myself for fear that I would say or do something that couldn't be forgiven. I am not an overly emotional person, but on both instances he has driven me to tears and sent me on an emotional roller coaster that I am having a hard time coming to terms with.

The things that he does to set me off are all things that every kid does (not listening, talking back, ignoring me and his mother) and should be easy to forgive. However, leading up to both of these events he just seemed to push it further and further until I just couldn't handle it any more. On both occasions I started by trying to talk to him, but he ignored me the whole time. Then I tried to create a calm space for him to think about what I was trying to say to him, but being isolated from the rest of us just upset him more. Then to my shame I lost my temper and yelled at him and threatened to take away everything he likes just to punish him for something so small that it should have only taken me 5 min. to resolve the issue. I think this shame is what has finally convinced me that I need help with this struggle. I have read some of the posts on here and have already found some good ideas that I intend to use in future confrontations, but I would.like to hear from some other parents on what works for them and their situation and also what doesn't work. I know that each situation is unique and calls for a bespoke approach but any and all information would be welcomed at this point.

[Hidden]

Hi,

First let me say that you are not alone!! It's not easy being a parent, let alone a parent to a child with ADHD so it's important to reach out like you did!

There are a couple of books/I recommend: the parenting with love and logic resources (loveandlogic.com --and there's a book as well) and I also recommend the book "the Explosive Child" by Ross Greene--they both have some good strategies you might find helpful.

Regardless of what strategies you try/use, keep this very important point in mind: although you may not be able to change or control what your son does, you CAN change how you feel (and therefore how you react) by changing your thoughts, beliefs and learning to manage your triggers. This was a huge realization for me when my son with ADHD was a teen--when I realized my feelings were caused by my thoughts not my circumstances or even his behavior, everything changed for me--how happy I felt, my relationship with him, and my ability to be an effective parent. I go into this a lot more in a book I recently wrote; you can learn more about it in my website (URL address below)

I also recommend if you haven't already to get some help/ support for yourself, either through coaching or counseling. Raising a child with ADHD is a marathon not a sprint and the better you feel and are able to manage your emotions, the more you will be able to be a calm, confident parent and be able to help your son and help prepare him for adulthood despite his ADHD challenges. Counseling or coaching can help a lot with that. Also, resources and tools are only as good as their implementation so it's a good idea to have ongoing support as you learn and put new strategies in place.

Hope this helps. Hang in there!

Joyce Mabe

Parent coach, author, mom of adult son of ADHD

Website: parentcoachjoyce.com

[Queenmomverne79]

I like the honesty in your post. Because our children have a special need.. We aren't professionally trained to help them all we have is love unconditionally.. But sometimes that's not enough. Even though medically its not you or your fault that they are wired differently.. So we spend days, weeks, months, years trying to find the right combination to helping our child with being a decent human being.. Cause when you look at your child all you see is them doing the complete opposite of what you are grooming or cultivating them to be.. Its hard for the patents to adjust at times as well...You are not alone.. Because you are such a great parent you are searching outside of yourself to do what is best for. Your child. It's not easy but you are headed in the right direction....

[Lynder]

Thank you for sharing this. This was me tonight. My son is also 8. In fact, today was his birthday. It was supposed to be such a nice day. His ADHD has been fairly manageable with medication since his diagnosis almost a year ago, but today was like it was before we got a formal diagnosis (I knew well before that).

Today went much like you described. He ignored me. It was like I wasn't even there. I could yell his name, tell him to stop doing something that was that was not a good idea, tell him to play nicely with his sister, and other things,each with the same reaction. I try not to yell at him because I know this is not his fault, but I deal with chronic pain from fibromayalgia and it was not a good day for me. I had very little patience.

He did the same things all kids do, too, like leaving his little sister's character behind in the video game they were playing together. Then he did something and she cried and I yelled and he ran off punching the couch and stomping on the floor and hitting and kicking the wall and crying. I started to cry, too.

He said something rude to me later and when he came to apologize he couldn't tell me what he was apologizing for. I asked him if he knew what made me upset and he paused for a moment and the said he couldn't remember the question. A few more exchanges like this occurred and he couldn't remember the question or explain what happened or why I might be upset.

That was when I lost it. I started crying a lot. Not because I was mad, but because I was sad. I'm at the end of my rope, too. I don't know how to help my son.

My husband came over and gave him a strategy to use in conversation with others. He told him that whenever he gets asked something, he should repeat the question to himself. They practiced it with some fake situations and then he was ready to come talk to me again. He remembered the question but still needed coaching to get to the main reason. I explained exactly why I was upset. I told him that what he said wasn't the problem, but rather, how he said it. I told him that when he says rude things, it's disrespectful and hard my feelings. I said that when he ignores me it makes me feel like I'm not important and that he doesn't care. He didn't realize that was why I was upset. He gave me a big hug and went and got me a tissue.

I felt better about that situation, but there isn't always someone else around to walk him through those steps. What will I say to him the next time? I don't want to say something I can't take back.

[Mmagusin]

My son was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 7 and he's 9 now. I feel your pain. You love your child but sometimes they are so hard to like. Here's my advice: Don't take your kids behavior personally. Be calm, almost clinical about it. Ignore ALL bad behaviors unless dangerous to others. He's baiting you into power struggles. I think ADHD kids thrive on conflict as a defense mechanism. They feel out of control so need to prove to themselves they are in control, not you. When he does behave well, go overboard recognizing it. Try to work as a team with your wife. This is where we fall down. My son is great at causing my wife and I to argue over how to manage him. He divides us and we often disagree on tactics and this really damages any progress.

[Intangible11]

I know how you feel. My son is 7 and has made me cry multiple times. Every time I yell I feel horrible about it. I question myself as a parent and my ability to do this job. After I am able to get my child calm and safe I retreat to my room and take anti anxiety pills. I have read every book , studied like I'm a student in physiological disorders... yet nothing I do works. I feel useless

[sylah]

I started implement Positive Discipline with my 8 year old and things has gotten a little bit better. I "ask" him instead of "telling" him. I do my best to keep my ego in check and remember my role as a parent is to teach and learn from them, not to tell them to do the things we think they should do. Good luck, you are not alone!

youtube.com/watch?v=4C7Fxc6...(Not working as expected?)

[LuckyMonkey]

You are not alone and I am guessing that every single parent on this thread has felt exactly the same way you do. It's extremely difficult to live with, love and effectively parent a child with ADHD, because although we all know about the disability, it's quite easy to forget exactly how that determines the way that our kids communicate, handle frustration, are able to manage or resolve conflicts and behave overall.

As another person replied-you're not in control of your child or what he does or says, but you are in control of yourself. Taking some time for self care, making sure you get enough rest, eat well and understanding how to be calm amidst chaos is not only essential for you, it shows him that it is possible to be angry and remain cool even when you're feeling overwhelmed.

I know that the times my 7 yr. old makes me cry (which for several years was everyday) and when I feel the lowest is when I respond to his hateful, disrespectful and destructive behavior with anger, rage or frustration. When I remain in control, speak in low tones matter-of-factly-it doesn't necessarily change what he does but it changes how I feel about the situation. Managing my own anger, fear and frustration allows for some calmness and space.

You're doing the right thing, researching and reaching out help you to understand that you're not alone. I found The Explosive Child by Ross Greene helpful also, and the "HowtoADHD" channel on YouTube (which are short videos by an adult with ADHD) helps in a non-threating, removed-from-the-situation way to understand what our kids are going through.

I only joined this online community a week ago, and having a place to communicate my frustration, fear, sadness, anger, strategies and thoughts has helped me considerably-I hope you too find some solace and support by doing so.