My 15 year old son has always struggled with negativity, low frustration tolerance and emotional dysregulation, since a very young age. He also has other quirks like making noises for no reason, fidgeting, interrupting, apparent lack of an internal monologue (if he thinks it, he says it). He is particular about what fabrics he wears, doesn't like pants with seams at his knees, has to have his pants and sleeves tucked into his boots and mittens "just so" in winter, and has an extreme needle phobia. But he's also sweet, smart, kind, helpful, and is developing a hilariously dry sense of humour. He is very athletic and loves sports.
A little less than two years ago he was diagnosed with Impulsive presentation ADHD as part of an educational assessment. Up until that point, we'd relied on his teachers to make adjustments for him, but by Junior High, there were more teachers that had to understand and get to know him, and homework became a horrific struggle, for both him, and us. So in the interest of helping him with school, we paid a private clinic for an assessment. To get one that was covered by health insurance would have taken an unreasonably long time.
Working with some teachers can still be a struggle. He has one that will only give him the accommodations he's supposed to have if my son asks him for them directly. The teacher doesn't seem to appreciate that at 15, a child with ADHD may not have the executive function to advocate for themself the way a neurotypical teenager might.
His dad and I work hard to help him manage the different aspects of his disability, and to teach him coping mechanisms and skills to help work through things. He is also on medication for the ADHD and we've worked with him and his Dr. to find the lowest dose that helps keep him from being too disruptive or distracted at school.
Our current issue is with a coach who is unwilling to make any accommodations for his disability. For much of his life I have been his coach, so I have been able to manage his play time, to try to keep his stress levels from getting out of control. I haven't always been successful, but with each episode we learn more.
Now that he is older and playing at a higher level, and playing high school sports he had other coaches. We are struggling with getting his current coach to understand that the difficulties he has managing his emotions when he's frustrated with missing shots, or gets hit or knocked down in a game, or when a ref makes a bad call, are related to the ADHD. Its not "antics". Its not something you can simply tell him to stop. Punishing or benching him is not going to magically fix his emotional dysregulation.
So I am here hoping to get some support and any insight or suggestions parents with similar struggles may be willing to share.
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CoachMomNS
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Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing what is going on with you son.
There seem to be at least a couple teachers with an attitude like that one in every school. The fact that your son has some capacity for self-advocacy is huge.
None of my kids have an ADHD diagnosis (yet), but I suspect that they all have it. My grown son (now 21) is an much inattentive as I am, and I'm diagnosed. My 11 year old son matches well with a lot of how you described your son in the first paragraph. (I also have a 30 year old daughter to seems to have the Hyperactive-Impulsive presentation, especially with how she behaved from youth until her mid 20s. And my youngest daughter seems to be mildly Inattentive, while I and my older son seem more moderate.) ~ I am already teaching my youngest two kids self-advocacy, because I realize that nobody taught it to me, and I struggled in silence because I didn't know that I should have spoken up.
I can't give much helpful advice. My older kids attended school in a school district that has been rated "one of the best in the nation" time and again...but they have lots of issues that they simply sweep under the rug. My eldest daughter got labeled a "bad kid", but as much as she tried to prove she had learned her lesson and changed her behavior, she was still treated as if she was still a bad kid. We didn't do much better with private school for my older son.
My younger kids were homeschooled until this school year, and we are in a new school district. They seem to be treated well and have good teachers and are thriving in some ways, but I see that they are also struggling in some ways. I'm sure that it's not just due to the transition, but actually ADHD struggles...but their mom (my ex-wife) didn't think any of our kids have ADHD. She's a hard person to try to get to change her mind.
For my son, he was in the same elementary school for 7 years, and had the same teacher a couple of times, so everyone knew him. Then when he went to Jr. High, it took a while for the teachers to get to know him. To see past the behaviours to the sweet kid. Then two years later he was off to high school with all new teachers, and that big adjustment and getting to know you phase all over again.
It is wonderful you have joined the group, we are happy to have you. Our son is 17 years old and has been playing sports most of his life and will be going to college to play at a very high level. So I have experience with sports, ADHD and I work in the Special Education field.
A few thoughts...
When medication for children with ADHD is the correct type, dose and giving at the correct time is should take away 60% of the unwanted symptoms of ADHD. Have you considered working with a child psychiatrist to make his symptoms so that he doesn't have so many symptoms? You said he was on the lowest dose..
Sports are a tough world.. we left our home town and drove 2+ hours to get our son the best coach for his personal needs and it paid off for us. The coach in our town just yelled and yelled at our son, even after more than us asked him not stop.
If you asked your son if he LOVES the sport he is playing, what would he say and are you honest about his skill level, do you see him playing in college? If both are yes, then you might be better to find somewhere that fit his needs better. Or maybe this is not the right sport for him.
High school was much easier for our son, he really struggled in middle school.
Hope this helps a lot, if I can help more let me know. Big hugs for your struggles.
Thanks so much for your feedback and suggestions. He started a second sport this year, volleyball and made his high school team. This is an easier sport for him to manage because there is less physical exhaustion, and little or no contact from the opposing team. But he loves basketball. Where we live the college level is lower than the university level. He could definitely play basketball at the college level, and possibly at the higher, university level. He is tall, but very slender, and the meds make it harder for him to gain weight, as it suppresses his appetite and makes him feel a bit queasy sometimes. Looking for a different coach is something we will consider for the summer season.
Medication often doesn’t solve the emotional dysregulation challenge. Behavioral interventions are needed. Our 17 yo daughter recently did an intensive outpatient program for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It has helped give her strategies to manage her emotional dysregulation and we are seeing a difference. She also says she is able to anticipate triggers better and manage her responses. As our kids get older, they need to learn to recognize their feelings and behavior and apply skills to override their brains sometimes. I recommend consulting a therapist or sports psychologist with expertise in ADHD and skills in CBT.
One of our biggest struggles is that his inherent negativity makes it difficult to convince him that the work will pay off. He tells himself that nothing will help, so he doesn't even want to try. 🙁
it’s super tricky. You can’t make a depressed person just start doing. You have to treat the underlying mental health challenges. Is your son working with a therapist and/or receiving medication for depression or anxiety?
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