My 20 year old son has adhd, and depression and he refuses to take medication. He also had a liver transplant at age 10!

[Matheu25]

His father and I had a tumultuous relationship, DV, and emotional and verbal abuse by both of us, all of my only child’s life ! My son is not working because he says when he applies for jobs online no one calls him back. He never talks to me about anything really so I don’t know what’s going on with him. I have him do chores for gas $ and when I tell him he didn’t finish the chores completely he thinks I’m being a perfectionist. He was also diagnosed with a planning disorder so he doesn’t write to do lists or understand doing things in order. He will tell me that he’s depressed but doesn’t tell me why... I don’t know if I’m making sense there’s just so much to say it’s a lot to write.

[Onthemove1971]

Matheau25- thanks for sharing your personal journey. I really wonder if him seeing a therapist would help him a lot. He could discuss the role his medical stuff is playing in his life and the counselor can discuss that this is the life he was given.. and they could make a plan for medication.

Best of luck..

[Matheu25 in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you for replying. I forgot to add that he is refusing to go to therapy right now. I tell him the things he needs to do but I don’t get upset with him like I used to because that pushed him farther away from being able to talk to him at all. I pray he will come to a point where he will make the right choices.

If I ever come across young adults like him with mental health issues , learning issues, and medical issues Doing a you tube video on their struggles and their success I think this would help.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Matheu25]

Our son also has medical issues and it really complicates our lives. So stressful for us.

I wonder if your son would be willing to create a youtube video expressing what he has to go through for others to learn from? If you asked him it might be very therapeutic for him without labeling it "thearpy"..

Great job trying to keep your head up, we are always here for you when you need us! Take care

[Matheu25 in reply to Onthemove1971]

Wow so your son has adhd and medical issues too? Does he have diagnosed depression and/ or anxiety like my son?

That’s a good idea for him to do a video I’m gonna suggest it to him and I’ll say to do it just to see how many views he gets (that’s all they care about right but also that he might meet or help somebody like him - although I don’t know about your son but mine has always strived to be “ normal” so we’ll see. Bless

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Matheu25]

Nope... he doesn't have depression. I have 3 or 4 e-mailaddresses, we can give him a ton of views!! Yes, normal is what he wants also. Promise we will watch, email me the link.

Thanks for sharing your journey.

[WarriorWorrier in reply to Matheu25]

Random suggestion here - not knowing all the details. He sounds like he shut down. When he talks try to validate his feelings and not give advice. Let him own his own experience. If he says for instance “I am in a bad mood”. You can say something like, “yeah this time of life can be hard with all the decisions you have to make.” I am oversimplifying it. Buts it’s kind of the age old therapist technique which is just to reflect back their feelings. “So and so made me feel bad”. “Yeah it hurts when someone is mean to us”. Like that. Anyway, just throwing it out there in case helpful.

[Matheu25 in reply to WarriorWorrier]

Thanks for this advice-it seems so simple and we don’t think of it but it’s great advice, and yes he has completely shut down , and he also holds everything in! Thank you

[WarriorWorrier in reply to Matheu25]

Try it. It’s kind of like magic. I got it from “how to talk to kids so kids listen” but it works for every age group.

[Matheu25 in reply to WarriorWorrier]

I can’t wait to try it but I feel like I hardly have the opportunity to use it cause he never says how he’s feeling until just before I posted he had said that he broke up with his girlfriend, and that he was depressed and I said the wrong thing, I told him he needed to talk to somebody and then he said his rap ( he’s been writing songs and rapping to them ) is his therapy- but he can’t do that 24/7 can he?

[WarriorWorrier in reply to Matheu25]

Wanted to check in and see how you were doing?

[Halem1982]

How is he socially? Does he have friends?

[Matheu25 in reply to Halem1982]

Yes but they don't last or he is on and off with them. He had a best friend (the friend said he was my son's best friend) but he went into the military.

I've seen him get easily provoked by his friends, sensitive, mad, but happy too.

He is shy, quiet, angry, but a big heart. His friends growing up I think made fun of him-he doesn't tell me anything but he has written songs about bullies and the homeless (his heart).

Thanks for asking. Bless

[Halem1982 in reply to Matheu25]

Maybe that has something to do with his depression. I’ve had a chronic low level depression for as long as I can remember, and there have always been highs and lows along the way. When I was younger, I wanted to be part of a group of friends just like everyone else but no matter what group I found myself with at the time, I always felt like an outsider looking in and I never truly felt like I belonged or like anyone would miss me if I wasn’t there. I feel like my depression has subsided in the past at the times I was more social but like your son, my social life hasn’t been consistent. I actually have made some great friends over the years and guess what.....we all have adhd and we are more understanding about one another’s quirks. Maybe it would help him feel more comfortable or normal if he had some adhd buddies. Has he ever been on adhd meds or an antidepressant? If so, did they help at all?

[Matheu25 in reply to Halem1982]

His friend that went to military is adhd that’s probably why they were best buds.

He didn’t have a good experience with antidepressants so now he refuses to take meds . Do you know how he would meet other adhders?

[Halem1982 in reply to Matheu25]

That’s a good question. Hell, I have about 4 friends who all go to the same psychiatrist I go to. Lol. I’m in real estate and there are a lot of people with adhd in the industry, so that’s how I meet new friends sometimes. Any CHADD or ADDA conference would be a good place for him to meet his tribe. Does he have any hobbies he enjoys?

[Matheu25 in reply to Halem1982]

Don’t pay no mind to that post manipulative people think all other people are manipulative!

He’s athletic-he skateboards , snowboards, horseback rides but he doesn’t do any sports anymore he just writes a lot of rap songs and records the songs and he is hoping to make $ from his rapping- he said rapping is his therapy but at the same time he is still depressed .

[janaq]

Time for son to go. Hes manipulating you and has no desire to maintain his health.

[ng24 in reply to janaq]

Really? You jusgemental ass. What a commeent. SMG

[janaq in reply to ng24]

I see the intelligence oozing thru ur post. No other way to Express your thought but to use profanity? Trash

[ng24 in reply to janaq]

Sorry. Didn’t think “ass” was profanity. I should have just said JUDGEMENTAL and left it at that. Again, sorry

[Halem1982 in reply to janaq]

I don’t know what would make you jump to the conclusion that her son is manipulating her and he has no desire to maintain his health. Isn’t 20 about that age where we all feel invincible and we think we know way more than we actually do? I don’t think this situation sounds like a manipulation at all, and it sounds more like a young man who wants to be happy but he hasn’t figured out where he belongs yet....this seems pretty normal considering his age in addition to his untreated adhd.

[Mmagusin]

How long has he been like this?

[Matheu25]

Born with bad liver then had liver transplant at age 10 then processing disorder assessed at about when he was 10 and adhd, depression and anxiety diagnosed at about 18 / his last year of high school.

[Stormchaser1 in reply to Matheu25]

Hi - I just came across this thread and identify so much. How is your son now? Have things improved? My son is 20, has liver disease and has just been diagnosed with ADHD. He was the most gorgeous young kid - kind and compassionate. We picked up on some learning issues (particularly with maths) when he was about 7 years old. He saw an educational psychologist when he was 10 and she said he had concentration issues and a poor working memory . From the age of 11 he started to be more difficult and we put it down to adolescence. He fidgeted a lot too but we didn’t consider ADHD as he was never badly behaved. He struggled through school but just managed to get into university, where he dropped out after one term. Things have gone from bad to worse since then. He doesn’t look for work, doesn’t help out in the house (or look after his own environment) , is bad tempered (to the point of downright nastiness)and uncommunicative. I swing between feeling desperately sorry for him , angry at him and despairing. I also feel for his younger sister who gets no attention because he demands it all. The pandemic didn’t help as he has been on our government’s ‘vulnerable’ list due to his liver problems and told to shield for some of the time. But, that aside, the inclination isn’t there. Like your son, he loves music (says it’s the only thing that’s important to him) and says he wants to work in that field, but doesn’t play an instrument or sing - just spends most of the day listening to it. His ADHD was only diagnosed when I sent him to a psychiatrist as I was so worried about him. We are now waiting for meds, although it’s complicated by the liver issues. Just keeping fingers crossed that they will help him as he won’t communicate with us and tells us we are terrible people. Excuse the long post!

[MaudQ]

Sending you a big hug. Are you in therapy for yourself? It sounds like you could use a supportive adult to give you some advice. And this could also model seeking help for your son. Sometimes I think if our kids can see us doing the work ourselves it helps them too.

[Matheu25 in reply to MaudQ]

Thanks for the hug yeah I’m in counseling just started and I told my son I’m in counseling but he still refuses to go.