parenting a child with adhd

[Sammy973]

hi my son has an extreme case of adhd and I need help with understanding him better and how to parent him better. I feel like I’m failing as a mom and I need help. I have him in therapy and he is on two different medications and he is outside a lot. I may need help on what foods I shouldn’t give him too. Any helpful opinions would be greatly appreciated. I just wanna be there for him and be the best mom I can be and make him be the best he can be and help him succeed.

[Meangreenllamabean]

It would be helpful if you added more details. Does he have hyperactive, inattentive or combined type? Which behaviors or symptoms do you view as extreme? Which medications is he on and have they improved anything for him?

When my child was diagnosed this book (Taking Charge of ADHD by Russell Barkley) helped me understand the condition immensely. It's a good starting point for any parent I feel.

[Sammy973 in reply to Meangreenllamabean]

he is hyper active. He is starting having very Bad behavioral issues too. And I’ve tried a few different meds. He is on two meds now adderal xr and guanfacine. I just feel like I’m failing as a mom with him and I feel so awful about it. I have him in therapy too. And I will check that book out thank you for recommending it.

[Tiredagain1 in reply to Sammy973]

Guanfacine with my son (PTSD, ADHD) made things worse. Ask Dr for alternative. Our son is now on Atomoxetine.

[Pema20]

Hi, I think there is probably no one here who hasn’t felt like they were failing as a parent from time to time (possibly a lot of the time). Parenting is tough and parenting kids with ADHD is another magnitude of tough. You’re not alone and you’re not failing. For a couple of suggestions, you may find Sharon Saline’s book What your ADHD child wishes you knew helpful. I thought it was thoughtful and practical. Someone else has also recommended the ADHD Dude’s website as useful. I am not sure where you are located, but CHADD does have parent groups in some areas. talking to other parents, as you’re doing here, can really help.

[Sammy973 in reply to Pema20]

thank you so much ❤️

[Knitting20projects in reply to Pema20]

what Pema20 said.

[BLC89]

Hello Sammy973,

You are in the right place and doing well to ask for help. Kudos, that is not easy.

One of the biggest things to keep in mind is that your ADHD child's brain is slower to develop in the prefrontal cortex which houses executive functions such as: mood regulation, time management and organization. Because of the lag time you have emotions and ability to manage time or organize that are about 30% behind their age. So a 12 year old has the emotional regulation equivalent of 8 1/2 years old - big difference in how they would react to things.

I think it is one of the toughest parts of parenting ADHD because you keep looking at this full grown person and have to remember that the driver in their brain is much younger. It gets confusing really fast. Then, to add to the fun, they can be advanced in other areas like cognitively engaged in information of a much older child. So you are having a very grown up conversation about space travel and they have a melt down because you gave them the red cup instead of the blue cup they wanted.

Hang in there, take care of yourself and know that you may be in for a bit longer ride than most parents because your kid will need your support for an extended period. Also keep in mind that you are not enabling them when you support them or remind them of homework or appointments, they need that support longer than most kids.

And if they are not on medication I would suggest getting information on that too. It is some of the most successful medication prescribed and it is very, very safe. It helps balance their neurotransmitters which creates the environment in their brain so they can learn and focus better. With the meds as you support them they are learning new habits because their brains are more in balance and they can rewire to positive habits more easily.

If you choose not to use medications then exercise is the next best thing. High cardio exercise most days of the week for at least 30 minutes can have a big impact. And meditation, tai chi or yoga have been shown to have a great impact on focus for the ADHD brain in particular (it helps us regular humans too

I would also grill the therapist about their knowledge of ADHD. It is a completely different type of therapy for ADHD vs non ADHD. If they are not well versed in ADHD then they may be bringing unhelpful biases to the sessions. There are still those who believe that ADHD is not really a thing and that the folks claiming to have it are just making excuses. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been found to be the most impactful for those with ADHD so if your therapist isn't skilled in that there may be a better fit out there.

You are doing great. You are here looking for information - that's what the active, engaged successful parent do, so kudos to you! Keep up the good work, keep looking around.

A great book is ADHD 2.0 by Dr Hallowell & Dr Ratey - it walks through the basics of ADHD and the latest in brain science that helps explain the outward symptoms you see.

Keep up the great work!

BLC89

full disclosure: I am an ADHD parent coach and have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two ADHD kids - all of them different kinds of ADHD, so fun!

[Sammy973 in reply to BLC89]

thank you so much for your advice I really appreciate it ❤️

[Nats2005]

I was told by the nutritionist at our pediatrician the things in food to avoid for a child with ADHD were nitrates/nitrites, aspertame, MSG, and artificial colors. I can definitely tell you the artificial colors (red and yellow dyes) are problematic, I can see our son's hyperactivity level jump. Skittles are especially bad!

Being outside is good, getting exercise to burn off the excess energy does help.

[Sammy973 in reply to Nats2005]

yes he loves being outside. And the foods I need to get better at because I’m thinking that might also be contributing to some of the issues I’ve been having with him.

[marinecyan]

Hi Sammy,

I know how painful it is to feel like you are failing your child but as Pema20 said, parenting any child is hard and parenting a child with ADHD is extremely hard. You're obviously doing everything you can to help him be successful.

I'm a Holistic Nutritionist so I decided to take a non-medication approach with my son (age 9, diagnosed with severe combined type ADHD) and he's doing really well. It was a long road for us because I didn't know where to start or have a doctor to support us. I'm happy to share any/all of our experience to help streamline things for you.

My biggest recommendation is to read the book Finally Focused by James Greenblatt. It's been an incredible resource for us. He guides you through common nutritional deficiencies, food sensitivies and gut imbalances that exacerbate or cause ADHD symptoms.

We’ve found that my son is very low in Omega-3s (which is common for kids with ADHD) as well as iron, zinc, vitamin D, vitamin C, b vitamins… He eats well for a kid but he also has evidence of yeast overgrowth in his gut. He’s taking a variety of supplements which can be a lot in the morning but he has no side-effects and is thriving.

If you can find an integrative or functional pediatrician to support you, that would help. We found an integrative pediatrician who lives an hour away but everything is done over Zoom. She actually offers Telehealth appointments for anyone in our state (CA).

I hope some of this information is helpful. I'm happy to share more if you're interested. Hang in there!

[Knitting20projects]

You’re definitely not a failure!!! You have gotten your son a diagnosis, treatments, and are reading about behavior and seeking advice here, too. That is so much more than many parents do! Please be kind to yourself and praise yourself for everything you are doing. The biggest things we have found to help our 2 kids (adhd and autism, so a little different but still challenging) aside from what you’re doing are: positive feedback for any and all desired behaviors, no matter how inconsequential, and a better understanding ourselves of executive functioning. We try hard to say specifically what behaviors we see and praise them, “I notice you stayed calm and came when i said we had to leave the playground. Nice job!” Etc. Also we try saying “I hope you are also proud of yourself for that.” We have read a lot in Taking Charge of ADHD (book) and websites about executive functioning deficits and see these behaviors less as intentional misbehavior and more as signs of actual deficits in learning/functioning that will slowly improve over time but will remain challenging. It has taken a long time and we still struggle. Hugs to you.