Can't go on much longer

I'm so worn out right now. I had two appointments today, one at the community health centre and one at the women's mental health centre.

The session at the community centre was draining, I voiced concern about the assessment I was going to receive at the other centre, and I feel as if the doctor basically confronted me about it. He said I had an 'bad attitude' about it and kept hurrying me to respond to him (I'm much more eloquent in writing than I am speaking, it takes me ages to be able to string together a response verbally). I understand he has to challenge my thinking, but he went about it by almost attacking me for a genuine concern (I've been to the centre before and the experience was not positive). I tried to explain the problem my feelings are all mixed up in my general fear of any medical centre, but that was brushed off as an excuse. Thanks mate. I was then told I was finished there, unless the women's centre told me there was nothing they could do. Fine by me.

Then I had to go the assessment, and it was even worse. I think at this centre they've adopted a strategy of bringing you into the room and not saying anything until you speak. I brought up the last time I was there that this makes me deeply uncomfortable and anxious, but the attitude seems to be 'this is how we do things'. The new doctor I saw chose to do this too, and I brought up the same point again but it wasn't really acknowledged. I had brought that enormous form that always seems to need to be filled out (the one where you need to explain your problems, talk about your family and your background etc.) and I gave it to her but she didn't acknowledge that either. Glad I gave over a whole evening after a hard day at work filling it in then.All I could do was explain just how much I want to die, and then just broke down entirely. Then we made an appointment for a fortnight's time.

I'm just exhausted from trying to keep going right now. I've sought help because I can't see a better option than ending my own life right now. I was in A&E two months ago because the GP was concerned, the assessment was the reaction to that. God. I can't carry on like this. To be brutally frank, I have the means to end my life right now, and there's not a whole lot keeping me from doing it. I've been repeatedly told 'call NHS Direct or go to A&E if you feel this way', but I feel this way constantly. What if I did go to A&E tonight? What on earth would they do with me?

I have to be honest, I'm only really hanging and trying to get help for for my boyfriend's sake, as it's not fair for him to live with someone in this state. I just don't think I can carry on much longer.

6 Replies

  • I just wanted to say I understand I've been there ..hang on in, it gets easier,

    Thinking of you..

    Love to you


  • please try not do anything to end your life hun,

    you've done a lot of positive things today - even if the appointments didn't go the way you had hoped; you went and that's big step.

    I get mixed up and tongue-tied in similar situations and neither doctor sound at all helpful.

    have you thought about contacting MIND? they are very good.

    I have rung the samaritans to talk to someone and they helped me a lot.

    please keep in touch,


  • I have been where you are now and I do think the mental health services are totally inadequate. I ended up in A and E after a suicide attempt. I was just told to go home and I would get a phone call from someone. I did and that was that. No follow up nothing.

    The trouble is the counsellors are told to follow the NICE scheme because it is measureable and they can then prove it helps. If they don't follow it then funding is cut on basis it is a waste of money!

    I don't have any answers for you love. the only thing I will say is to take things day by day. Just make a decision that you will not end your life today. Then tomorrow make the decision again. I find that helped me because once I had made the decision in the morning I gave myself permission not to think about it again until the next day.

    Bev x

  • Just take one day at a time. When i was at my lowest and had no-one to talk things over with I found the Samaritans really great. They listen and offer support but no put-downs. I cannot begin to think how it must be with your lack of help as I have been lucky with my GP and mental health services. Keep coming on here and vent , there are many people on here that understand how you feel and will suppport you. Your life is too precious to take and you are a special person, remember that. All the very best. xx

  • Firstly, give yourself time to calm down and regroup what energy you do have. You've been through two harrowing experiences in one day - enough to throw anyone off balance!

    You don't mention if you're on any medication for your depression...are you? If not you should be and if you are it needs changing as its obviously not working.

    As said above, take things one day at a time. Say to yourself that you won't harm yourself today and then leave the future to get on with itself. Try and keep yourself occupied and also try to get some physical exercise in the fresh air.

    If you need to, blog on here every day...we are all here to help and support and we all want you to be here too.




  • Please take it easy, calm yourself down, you sound exhausted and I know what thats like. You are in charge of your life, take a positive step and you could phone The Samaritans , they are very good and nonjudgemental.

    Do something nice for yourself today, a little treat, at times like this all you can do is

    take one day at a time. Baby steps. Stay strong, you will have lots of love and support here.

    Hugs to you


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