I'm so worn out right now. I had two appointments today, one at the community health centre and one at the women's mental health centre.
The session at the community centre was draining, I voiced concern about the assessment I was going to receive at the other centre, and I feel as if the doctor basically confronted me about it. He said I had an 'bad attitude' about it and kept hurrying me to respond to him (I'm much more eloquent in writing than I am speaking, it takes me ages to be able to string together a response verbally). I understand he has to challenge my thinking, but he went about it by almost attacking me for a genuine concern (I've been to the centre before and the experience was not positive). I tried to explain the problem my feelings are all mixed up in my general fear of any medical centre, but that was brushed off as an excuse. Thanks mate. I was then told I was finished there, unless the women's centre told me there was nothing they could do. Fine by me.
Then I had to go the assessment, and it was even worse. I think at this centre they've adopted a strategy of bringing you into the room and not saying anything until you speak. I brought up the last time I was there that this makes me deeply uncomfortable and anxious, but the attitude seems to be 'this is how we do things'. The new doctor I saw chose to do this too, and I brought up the same point again but it wasn't really acknowledged. I had brought that enormous form that always seems to need to be filled out (the one where you need to explain your problems, talk about your family and your background etc.) and I gave it to her but she didn't acknowledge that either. Glad I gave over a whole evening after a hard day at work filling it in then.All I could do was explain just how much I want to die, and then just broke down entirely. Then we made an appointment for a fortnight's time.
I'm just exhausted from trying to keep going right now. I've sought help because I can't see a better option than ending my own life right now. I was in A&E two months ago because the GP was concerned, the assessment was the reaction to that. God. I can't carry on like this. To be brutally frank, I have the means to end my life right now, and there's not a whole lot keeping me from doing it. I've been repeatedly told 'call NHS Direct or go to A&E if you feel this way', but I feel this way constantly. What if I did go to A&E tonight? What on earth would they do with me?
I have to be honest, I'm only really hanging and trying to get help for for my boyfriend's sake, as it's not fair for him to live with someone in this state. I just don't think I can carry on much longer.