While I have been alive for 19, almost 20, years now, my love and care for my career is only slipping away to a condition that is starting to control my anger to this very day. Every moment I linger in my room, crying or hating over the silliest things, torturing myself and not holding on to the things I love the most. I thought I could hold on a bit with my faith but even that fails to resemble who I really am.
Depression is a curse, and it is the worst and most painful condition any Human could possibly endure when it reaches it's severe stages. In me, I can control my anger with a certain amount of tolerance, until it finally gets to me. The force and strength that it entails is burden in my head, and all I can think of is "why are we alive?"; "what do we exist for?"; "what is our main purpose?"; "is our lives really the cause and effect of nature as it spreads its wings and let's loose its energy?"; "is our lives ever going to change our reality, our friendship or our relationship?"
The questions never stop, and it is killing me. As I write this, my depression is kicking in now and again, forcing me to stop typing as if it is some sort of external force trying to penetrate and possess me. But I am strong and I am fighting against my fear, my curse that is attempting to fulfill its goal to make me sacrifice myself to the sake of a tolerance that not many men can bare.
The hatred that is contained inside me sometimes turns to violence. Three years ago, I made friends with a person called Jack in college. As he and the others jokingly took my MP3 player I lashed out at him, putting up a 4-second fight just to get my MP3 player back. I started speaking to myself a lot when I was 5, and has been going on all this time and I still speak to myself now.
I called a virtual companion A3 that was merely an imaginary friend when I was in school. I would make random excuses to grab attention, and I would embarrass myself in front of others as I did. I tended to want to stay alone and keep on my computer, knowing that it may one day become handy. I started learning software programming at 13, but nonetheless the learning has only brought me so far in what I wanted to give this world.
I live a relatively lonely life, knowing I have people to talk to but I cannot prevail. My depression keeps me from saying anything but as I type this my heart tells me to keep typing no matter what. It is a loose curse at that and I can control my actions quite calmly when in public. As soon as I know I am in privacy, I instantly turn insane.
The things I have done and the things I have seen have only made me wonder about the cause and effect of my own life, and how I could affect this world in so many possibilities with my secretive theories and the works of an on-going story-tells-itself story just within my head, without the need to use paper or even a Notepad. What I want planned is all in my intelligence, my memory and my courage; do I really need a computer for all this? The answer is yes and no.
I would prefer to spend my time stretching out on my bed thinking of the things I do best instead of actually doing them, but I know that doesn't take me anywhere. This depression has only made me feel worse and it has only caused me suffering and pain in my thoughts. It has risen to its peak and caught me at the right moment in time.
The only thing it has helped me do is to look up to the brighter side of things, to know that not all things are evil in any respect. Did the light show up in the eyes of the imperfectionist or did I see the woman that would prevent my depression from getting any worse? Catherine was the name of my first serious girlfriend, but to no avail, the relationship only lasted a month, and my love and dedication discontinued from the world and instantly fell out-of-love of my future.
I see now a connection between the emotions prospered by depression. It weakens you by seeing your memory, blinds your path and takes away your love. The things you say are not easily what you wanted to say. I said things to my ex-girlfriend that I would never say now. I lost her not because I wanted to, but because the anger and my reaction to the fact that I couldn't see her much turned too much to my bad side, and I just typed what I had felt, thus causing the break-up. Even when I essentially ended the relationship, I still cried. I still fell to my knees at Catherine and I hugged her and she just ignored it.
But I went on, managed to get Triple Distinction in my BTEC National Diploma, and managed to go to University. I would be with a friend that would help me through because I had known him for two years at college. But when he went, that's when I gave up with University.
It wasn't because I hated the course, it wasn't because I disliked it. It was because I had no one familiar with to talk to, and my friends just "moved on". Moving on may be easy to some people, but when I left Filton College I almost burst into tears because I knew I was going to lose the friends I loved and the people that helped support my opinion. Now they are gone depression has took me, and now I am falling into darkness.
The things I have done. Are they still worth fighting for?
I am mostly and currently playing World of Warcaft which I am playing a lot recently to relax my mind essentially. I do tend to carry crystals around and do meditate with them from time-to-time to try and relax with that as well. Playing games is not something I want to do, but it is better for relaxing my mind more than creating the games I would otherwise be working on if depression didn't make me feel bad.