I have been feeling low and depressed for a really long time. I'm 19 now and I have been experiencing it since I was around 15 or 16, however I don't feel like I've ever been truly happy. My home life has always been difficult, particularly when I became a teenager. My mum is a single parent and has been unwell for a long time, so looking after me and my two teenage brothers has always been a struggle for her, particularly with money. She was also extremely protective over us all as we were all she had, and when I was trying to find myself and socialise with friends more, she would restrict me which eventually caused me to lie about where I was going so she wouldn't worry. When she found out about this, I feel like I broke her heart and after this, she didn't seem to care at all and literally let me do whatever I wanted to (fun at times, but mostly just made me feel low that I could be anywhere until whatever time and my mum wasn't concerned.)
It is just me and my brothers, always has been, and they are all I have ever had. We have no other family we are in contact with. When it emerged from school when I was younger that there had been reports of me self harming, my mum instantly put it down to attention-seeking. She didn't understand what was making me do it. I'd never spoken to her about it and so I guess she figured it wasn't a big deal. I don't think she ever considered that I found it embarrassing or uncomfortable to consider speaking about it even to her.
In school I had friends and was in the "popular" group, although all it really did was mould me to be shallow and bitchy. I didn't have any genuine friends, everyone just spoke nastily about one another, and I felt like I lost myself in trying to fit in and be liked. I turned into someone I didn't like. Even now I have no contact with anyone I was friends with in school and kind of became a loner for a year, not really leaving the house and being comfortable that way. Up until this day when I feel bad but better than I was, I have never had friends who I feel I really get along with and connect with properly or who understand me, and it leads to me trying to be someone I'm not because I feel it's the only way I can fit in or be liked.
Things got bad at home. I had epilepsy and my fits were frequent and dangerous. I wasn't leaving the house
My plans to go to college were put on hold and I was sleeping in the same bed as my mum so she could monitor my seizures. I wasn't having contact with anyone. Eventually I felt better and started going out again. I felt I had been trapped for so long and now my fits weren't holding me back I wanted friends, I wanted a social life, I wanted a job. I started drinking as teenagers do, just going to parties now and then and my mum DESPISED me. I believe it stemmed from how epilepsy can be worsened by alcohol, and she didn't understand how I could risk it after all the things we had dealt with that had made me so depressed.
My mum was very bitter and sour towards me. I remember things from being younger and asking to go to a friend's house and in the car she made a vulgar comment to me to "keep my legs crossed", I guess assuming I was seeing a boy. I must've been 13, and although I have always been desperate to be in love, I hadn't even had my first kiss. As I got older I felt like she punished me in weird ways - she would tell me I was attention seeking, make nasty comments about my self harm (an argument before school once led to her pushing me onto the floor out of the front door and chucking a piece of glass at me, telling me to take it to school with me because I was gonna need it), just ignoring me in the house, starting arguments with me by making unnecessary comments or creating a little bitching group with my brothers in which they would all sit and slate me for retaliating to their nasty comments, or gang up on me, or laugh at how I didn't have any proper friends or always stayed in my room. I felt very suffocated and alone, not having any friends or any family to turn to. I was stuck and lost. Christmas and birthday presents stopped when I was 16, and my mum started writing down money I owed her for lifts if she took me to school, and it ended up being around £400. She used this against me everyday.for a long time. I genuinely believe these kind of things came from her struggling so badly with money and wanting someone to take it out on. I also don't know if anyone else has ever felt like this, but I feel as if my mum has always been jealous of me, and that's why she is spiteful. She has never given me a reason for her behaviour, but my brothers have always been treated completely different.
Anyhow. I had a boyfriend who made me feel better when I was 17 and he was my best friend, my only friend. I was incredibly insecure and he described me as helpless, that's why he loved me so much, because he just wanted to take care of me. We broke up after a year and I genuinely don't remember what I did. I think I just drank a lot. I came home one day and my stuff was all outside the house. My mum had kicked me out (to this day I'm still not sure why? They just disliked me). I lived in a hostel for a year.
I am now back at home but still incredibly depressed. I am intelligent but I have low self esteem and feel uncomfortable about doing the littlest things. My relationship with my family is strained but a lot better than it has been in the past.
I want to get out from this house, I want to be independent and strong, I want to feel normal and succeed but the truth is since I left school I have been stuck in a permanent viscious loop of sadness and haven't progressed.
Does anyone have any tips on how I can get out of this? I oversleep everyday and any job I have ever had had felt so demanding and stressful due to my anxiety and mood swings.