Fantasizing my own death at school?

Hi guys. So I was hoping I wouldn't need to come back and make a completely new post but... I despite this constant fighting and determination to beat my depression find myself while I am walking between my periods at school or whenever I get even a minute to think I am thinking about my death. Thoughts such as "who would come to my funeral if I killed myself? Who would care? What's the point in fighting? I'm tired of everyone. I'm worthless. A failure. I don't matter."

Now- I if you haven't seen my first post I will inform you that I have made efforts into trying to turn my life around. To start a life where I enjoy even the simplest of things. I had a lot of nice and open people who talked about their experiences with depression and what worked for them but... I am in a situation where I can't tell anyone in my family, friends, or girlfriend due to the fact that I don't want to risk either scaring them thinking I may commit an act that I promised my ever being I wouldn't commit or I would be taken to the rehab center I was put in back in September I believe it was. So- my one request is I need a little bit more advice on how to end these thoughts as they truly bother me and I want them to stop them ASAP. Thanks.

- James

18 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Hello and I 'm sorry you are still getting such disturbing thoughts and feelings. Can i recommend a website ; it has just been recommended to me; it's called 7teacups. They have "Listeners" online who you can talk to about anything. That way you do not need to tell your friends about this. The listeners are from all walks of life but a lot of them look young so would probably be able to relate very well to you unlike an old fuddyduddy like me who is approaching their 60's.

    I can't really tell you how to end these thoughts as I am not sure how that can be done . I suppose you have been down the route of seeing your doctor and so on but if not that is what I would recommend as they are the professionals.

    Hope you can get some help with this, Gemma x

  • Hello Gemma

    You are still young and not a fuddy duddy you have not reached the famous sixty yet.

    I am sixty six in three months time. At sixty five I found bits were falling of and the GP started my human MOT. On holiday within two days I had lost three fillings, that the dentist will not operate on me and prefers that I have sedation to do all the work. I think fillings are timed to drop out at sixty five and a half.

    Makes me feel I am entering dotage as I got checked by Hazel the other day while shopping, was walking around with my fly open Lol. It seems to be happen more frequent now. I will be wearing a bib soon.

    BOBxx

  • Hi Gemma I love 7teacups. It's a great site when you need to chat to someone and to distract you from distressing thoughts. x

  • I have used 7tea cups before a few months ago and they're good for when you just want to talk about problems but from my experience they can't give advice out. Thanks for the suggestion though!

  • What is your reason for your Depression there must be a reason why you feel the way you do ?

    Suicide is a big step you need reasons why you are feeling the way you do. I went back to your past post and you seem to have all that many young people would love to have.

    If you are so much in distress that you are in danger you need to talk to your GP.

    Generally I am not saying what is happening here, some discuss suicide like it is a habit and we can drag ourselves down and our feelings regarding suicide can cause so much distress for those around us. This is only hypothetical here and you need to take advice from someone who can help you understand and dig deep to find the reasons why you are feeling the way you are. Medications and CBT may help you come to terms with your depressive condition and find a way to address your concerns and act upon these worries

    We are always around for you here, see your GP and arrange some positive help with your moods

    Good Luck

    BOB

  • Honestly, the thoughts have sort of become an norm for me as I just expect them at this point. I really would like them to go away because I worked so hard to be happy but these thoughts make me feel like I'm at stage one again. As regards to what I personally think is causing my distress I said it in Loggerslot's reply. Thank you for making me feeling like I have some form of support. It's honestly a nice feeling knowing I'm not all alone in this as I have this community of people here for me. You're a really kind person, Bob and I am thankful. :)

  • Keep a hold

    If you know the problem you are half way to understanding your concerns

    BOB

  • Hi James,

    I have read your previous post, can I please ask why you want to feel so happy when you have a loving family, the friends and a girlfriend you wanted who you say is the best you could ask for? are you able to describe this emptiness inside you and what it is you want to seek?

    Like you i was on the verge of suicide and turned my life around in the last 4 years. it wasn't easy but I got there and I'm sure you can as well and I'd like to help.

    What you don't realize is that everyone around you do care, they might not say it in that sense but trust me they do, they just get on with their day to day lives like everyone else does.

    Please get in touch....thanks,

  • Well... I don't really truthful understand me or my emotions. The only thing I can admit is making me fall apart is life after high school and even now I feel a huge amount of anxiety and fear because well... I honestly don't see myself being successful in this world. To be productive and tribute to society for a couple of reasons that I'll go ahead and list for you.

    1. I am failing all my classes and I have to make up at least eight classes that I know of. This is very stressful for me as I am currently in 11th grade and I SHOULD graduate next year. (Go Class of 2017!) I already am graduating when I'm 19 because I was held back a year because when I was in first grade- I couldn't read or spell to save my life so they held me back. I really don't want to be in high school for another year as all my friends are in 11th and 12th grade so they would move on with their lives including my girlfriend and I'll be stuck here. I just feel like such a failure at life... Like- just typing this is making me cry because I failed everyone including myself. Don't take me saying this as me looking for sympathy because I'm not. All I want is help and advice, that's all.

    2. Second reason is that I don't really want to be anything when I do finally get out of high school. There isn't a job out there that I would enjoy because in the end it would still be work and I HATE work but I can't do nothing all my life. That's not how it works, I will have to get a education and get a job like everyone else but... I have no direction or goals. I asked my family if I could take a year off from getting a job or going to college (Which I would have to pay for myself) so I could get to know me a little better and to figure out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life but they refused saying I HAD to get a job or go to college ASAP. So- I feel this pressure from my family to do something and here my girlfriend is talking about going to college to become a vet and every time she asks me what I plan on doing so we can "plan our future out together" I just... I don't know... I panic and come up with lies or something to change the subject so she won't know that I have zero plans for my future...

    3. Now- I sort of said this final reason already in my first reason but... I just feel like a completely screw up. Everyone seems to given up on me and while my family loves me I can easily tell that they're fed up with me and are extremely disappointed in me. They don't trust me and I just feel like we never see eye to eye on anything. Every conversation I have with them typically my mother ends in a fight and my father just walks outside and smokes a cigarette because that's his way of getting away from our fighting. I know they mean well because they love me and want the best for me but... I don't know... It just feels like I'm living a nightmare and my only real escape is sleep. I would of told my therapist all this but my mother was in the room and I didn't want to upset her but... Yeah.

  • Don't be so hard on yourself about being a failure. Just because you'll finish school later than everyone else you know doesn't mean your a failure, just means that it took you a bit longer to get to where everyone else got to. I'm in uni and you get people from all walk of life here, some of which have resit years because of failure. Try and do your best at school and if you fail know that it's not the end of the world. School is just one part of your life and certainly not the be all end all.

    You say you hate work, I think you just haven't found something your truly passionate about. Try and find something your passionate about and figure out how you get a job doing that.

    Try not to worry too much about having no idea what you want to do with your life, heck I'm 22 just finished uni and I still haven't got a brilliant idea what I want to do with my life.

    If your parents are being like that just explain to them that it's your life. No body can force you to do anything you don't want to do.

    You should definatley tell your therapist how your feeling. If you feel uncomfortable with your mother there, tell her you'd rather go alone. Theier job is to help you after all.

  • "Don't be so hard on yourself about being a failure. Just because you'll finish school later than everyone else you know doesn't mean your a failure, just means that it took you a bit longer to get to where everyone else got to."

    I promise for now on I'll not be so hard on myself. It's funny because I'm a really accepting and easy going guy but when it comes to myself I'm the exact opposite. My mother told me this a few months ago when I first started to get on my anti-depressants and once again, I have to suck up my pride and attempt that she was right. Finishing school late really just disappoints me in myself because I know I could do better. If I did 100% effort into my school work, tests, and homework I would be able to pass with straight A's and B's, no doubt. So that's really why I feel the way I do, because I know I can do it. I just never do and I get frustrated with myself because of it. I'm a really big procrastinator as well as I can be very lazy at times. But this is just me ranting at this point so I'll move on to your next point.

    "You say you hate work, I think you just haven't found something your truly passionate about."

    I am not denying that this is a possibility. As an 18 year old it's easy to think and feel like I know it all even when I know that's not the case. Me saying I hate work is more of just my laziness speaking then anything else. I just hope that the job that is my calling in life per say will show itself sooner than later as I have to figure out if I'm going to college or not in about a year or two time depending on when I finish high school.

    "If your parents are being like that just explain to them that it's your life. No body can force you to do anything you don't want to do."

    You're right, it's my life and they really have no say in what I can and cannot do but at the same time, I love them and respect their opinions. Not to mention they're the ones who gives me a roof over my head and a bed to sleep at night as well as basically everything I own so I in a way, I feel it would be disrespectful to disregard what they say and just do as I please as they provide me with all that.

    "You should definatley tell your therapist how your feeling. If you feel uncomfortable with your mother there, tell her you'd rather go alone. Theier job is to help you after all."

    You're completely right, it's their job to help me. My parents are spending money trying to get me help and the least I can do is be honest. Next appointment I'm going to mention it to her and if I really feel I can't say anything in front of my mother, I'll ask her to leave the room.

    Thank you for the reply, Jordan. I appreciate your advice and kind words so again, thank you.

  • Hi James,

    Thanks for replying. I take it you're not from the UK. I'll try my best to break this down so sorry in advance for the long read or if you feel there is something you don't agree with. Just a pretext, you are still young and making any decision that is life changing like career path is difficult and needs to be thought through so please don't be hard on yourself, as every child goes through something like this.

    1. don't stress too much about your ability. building that ability takes time and if you fall back a year then let it be because the education system is there to ensure that you are able and confident enough to move forward in your life (that's their obligation to bring you up and it's in your interest). I know its not easy but try to let go of things that worry you too much as this is causing you stress. Sometimes they just aren't worth holding onto because they become a burden on you and don't help. I feel that you are trying to balance your expectations moving along with society/friends whilst trying hard to achieve what you want from life and education and that is causing an imbalance in you and in your thinking, as you are being swayed too much by friends and society. What you need to do is break that link between where your friends are and where you are currently and we need to be realistic about ourselves. Yes, you say you lack certain abilities and like we said building them takes time and patience. learn to never try to compare yourself to others, be happy with yourself and for others, as we are all different. With regards to friends it would be nice to hold onto them or stay in touch and you can via facebook or other social media outlets and away from high school. Sometimes some friends move on and they're never in touch, you played a part in their lives and they did in yours and that part helped us move forward with our life and that's the way life is, when you know you have to let go you do so, wishing them well and move forward with your life in a positive way. If i may compare my life to your situation, its almost similar. I had very little or no friends whereas you have friends, I had no confidence in getting a girlfriend where as you have. I lacked the ability to develop my skills in school, teachers showed some concern, my english and maths was really bad, as i was not confident in myself, in reading and writing. on top of it, i chose a college course that was 95% maths so i really struggled but I got there and passed and got recognised for it by my college and ended up in university leaving with a 1st class degree. sometimes you have to believe in yourself and be practical minded by doing sme self reflection about what issues you have and how to fix them. If you've not told your high school about your situation regarding mental health then I would strongly advise you to do tell them so they can better help you.

    2. the honest truth is that you need a job to earn money so that you can fulfil your life's ambitions, buy house, car, etc. if you're with your girlfriend then it would be nice to treat her or go out together and for that you need money, so what better way is there to earn money by enjoy doing something you enjoy. the things you are saying I feel are strongly related to how down you are currently feeling. If we can deal with this negativity then we can hope that it brings about a more positive outlook on your life and career ambitions. sometimes people make career choices and for some the reality is that it never happens how they envisioned it to be. my friend who has done a engineering degree and very practical minded could not find a job he wanted and is now a paramedic. my other friend who is practical minded and likes mechnical work is now working in a pharmacy diepensing drugs. the moral is that we can plan the future that best we can but we don't know what is around the corner so is it worth thinking or worrying about it?Lets deal with the current situation and then move forward step at a time. My situation is that i wanted to be an electrician when I was 16 because i was very confident. my parents like yours told me to get a decent career so i went the software engineering route only to find out now that most companies have indians working for them leaving us youth with a very narrow gap to get onto the career ladder. it took me 11 years, battled depression, to finally find a job that I wanted to do but I still yearned to do electrical hands on work. My advice would be to 1st tackle the issues with your abilities, once you are sure that you are confident then decide what "you" want to do with your career. as much as we respect our parents and they surely want the best for us, as individuals we need to be sure that we choose a career that in 10 or 15 years time we are still happy doing and we are confident we can make the most of it. Once you become confident in your abilities have a look on youtube and see some channels of what hobbists people are doing, there are electrical hobbists, machinists like Abom79, and so many more or visit a career advise centre, maybe they can help you with organising a day out to see a open event day at a company but all this is at a later stage. first we need to make you confident in your abilities.

    3. you are not a screw up. you need to be guided to get the best out of you and you currently battling pressures from society that maybe are not there because of what you are expecting too much from yourself. try and relax and build up your confidence, if you need to spend another year then so be it (there's no shame in it so please don't feel embarassed) because remember the high school wants to be bring the best out of you so that you can be ready to take on the world. in future if you see a therapist and want to be alone with your therapist then you can request this if it helps you feel relaxed, i don't think your mum would mind and the the therapist will take care of the situation, as you need to be open and honest to your therapist if you want him/her to help you properly.

    Hope this helps. please feel free to get in touch.

  • Sorry for it being so long, in the future I'll do my best to make it shorter, I promise.

    "I take it you're not from the UK."

    No, I'm not from the UK. I currently live in the Tampa Bay, Florida.

    "Just a pretext, you are still young and making any decision that is life changing like career path is difficult and needs to be thought through so please don't be hard on yourself, as every child goes through something like this."

    My biggest issue is that I don't want to make any mistakes because I feel if I go to college for a certain career and it turns out I don't like it- I just wasted a LOT of money that came from my pockets because I'm the one who is paying for it. To make matters worse, you basically need some kind of college education to even be semi-successful in this world so... Yeah, that's my biggest problem I feel I'm facing.

    "I feel that you are trying to balance your expectations moving along with society/friends whilst trying hard to achieve what you want."

    After thinking about what you're saying I agree with you. I'm trying to fill those giant shoes that I feel society is trying to make me fill when I personally feel I am not ready but I don't really have a choice in the matter. *sighs* Welcome to the real world, huh?

    "learn to never try to compare yourself to others, be happy with yourself and for others, as we are all different. "

    This is easier said then done and is something I still have trouble with, I'll admit that much.

    "You played a part in their lives and they did in yours and that part helped us move forward with our life and that's the way life is,when you know you have to let go you do so, wishing them well and move forward with your life in a positive way."

    This really touched me to the point where I was balling my eyes out as I read it because I had a friendship the broke up a few montsh ago after I was put into the hospital over the same person. I wished someone would have told me this right after the break up because while it would had been bitter sweet, it would had changed how these past few months had played out for me. I need to thank you for giving this advice before I continue with my reply. So, thank you so much Logger for not just giving me this amazing piece of wisdom but also for making me cry because as cheesy as it sounds, I haven't really cried cried in a long time and it felt amazing to finally let go all those feelings I had over the break up that build up that I just sort of held within myself. I don't want to focus on her too much as she's in my pass so let's move on to the rest of your reply, shall we? But again, thank you. :)

    "If i may compare my life to your situation, its almost similar. I had very little or no friends whereas you have friends, I had no confidence in getting a girlfriend where as you have. I lacked the ability to develop my skills in school, teachers showed some concern, my english and maths was really bad, as i was not confident in myself, in reading and writing. on top of it, i chose a college course that was 95% maths so i really struggled but I got there and passed and got recognised for it by my college and ended up in university leaving with a 1st class degree. sometimes you have to believe in yourself and be practical minded by doing sme self reflection about what issues you have and how to fix them. If you've not told your high school about your situation regarding mental health then I would strongly advise you to do tell them so they can better help you."

    First, I'm really happy that despite all the trouble you had to face you still manage to make it. I realized that I have it pretty good and my biggest issue is that I don't believe nor love myself. I always look for reasons to why I am not good enough and while I always told others to chase their dreams, I never did the same so I guess that makes me sort of a hypocrite in a sense. Just like I told Jordan, I promise not just you or Jordan, but myself that I'll try to be easier on myself and push myself regardless of what challenges I have to face. It's the least I can do. Lastly, I did tell my high school about my mental health as they were the ones who put me in the hospital over suicidal thoughts.

    "the moral is that we can plan the future that best we can but we don't know what is around the corner so is it worth thinking or worrying about it?"

    Again, you deliver another very helpful and wise piece of advice. I see what you're getting at, I'm basically worrying about something when I really don't have all the facts yet. I don't know what opportunities that might present themselves to me so I just need to take a deep breath, think about what I would want to do right now and move from there and it's okay if I change my path here and there as most people do.

    "we need to be sure that we choose a career that in 10 or 15 years time we are still happy doing and we are confident we can make the most of it"

    This is what makes it so stressful as I cannot possible know what I will be like when I'm either 28/33 so how can I possible KNOW what I would enjoy doing then?

    "You are not a screw up. you need to be guided to get the best out of you and you currently battling pressures from society that maybe are not there because of what you are expecting too much from yourself."

    Thank you for saying this. I honestly am lost to what to say as a reply to say to this other than I am thankful for the kindness you have shown me and for putting some time out of your day to talk all this through with me. It gives me even more motivation to fight with my depression and not let it beat me.

    "you need to be open and honest to your therapist if you want him/her to help you properly."

    Like I told Jordan, I will tell my therapist EVERYTHING in my next appointment with her. My parents are paying for her to help me so I don't want their money to go to wast.

  • Hi James,

    that's no problem, I know some things are easier said than done, so I'm sorry for sounding a bit naive.

    Just remember one thing that the learning experience in life is always on going, it never stops. if you make a mistake then please try not to take it to heart but learn from it and anyone you come across that is in a similar state of thought like you are then you have the experience to give them so they can make that decision better. I've made a lot mistakes and in some I've lost friends and trust due to depression and social pressures but you learn to wise up and not repeat them.

    Career wise only you know what tickles your fancy as I don't know if you're practical minded or theoretically minded, but when that times comes you will know. if you need to take time out and visit some places to see what you like then so be it but I know, easier said than done :).

    I wish you all the very best and if you ever need any further advice then you know we are all here for you.

  • Hi Castiel ( love the name by the way -angel name)

    Everyone is right you have see someone and talk actually I have never admitted to anyone but I do it all the time. When I cross the road I always imagine the car hitting me and then I 'see' me getting hit falling over the bonnet and then I shake the image off and cross carefully. I know it's morbid but I have imagined how my family will react to the news of my death will they be sad or will they sing ding dong the witch is dead😰 I admit it's a bit narcissistic. I have a plan for when I die my husband die any tragedy I have a plan to survive.

    I always doubt myself. Even with my husband I always am insecure I think does he really like me or is he pretending? With my friends my child. Then I think Life is a stage and we are all actors playing very important roles.

    How do cope with it? I give myself just one minute to feel like this then I shake my head and move on. Easier said than done but it takes time. You are young things have to happen very quickly at your age but this takes practise and time.

    We are all weird we just pretend to be normal to each other. Your thoughts, your behaviour and even your depression make you YOU unique. Our friends and family are far more stronger than we give them credit. Talk to your family some may not understand but someone will be a great support to you. I would be hurt if my child did not trust me to help thru such a hard time. Don't worry you can post as much as you want on this forum.

  • Thanks for liking the name. I really like the name Castiel and I plan on naming my kid it in the future if I have one and if it's a boy. I am surprise that I am not the only one who imagines my own death. I'm just like you knowing that my family would be heart broken if something would happen to me but the thoughts just sort of happen without my blessing.

    I also feel the same way about my girlfriend. I often question my relationship with her but I keep it to myself as I tell myself in a relationship, there has to be a certain amount of trust in order for it to work so I dismiss these thoughts as soon as they come.

    So I just have to practice to shake the thoughts away when they come. It's a tall order but I will get the hang of it sooner then later hopefully. Thank you very much! This whole forum is very supportive and really makes me feel like I belong somewhere.

  • There is a series called supernatural and Castiel is the name of an angel. Don't force yourself not to think them I don't think that will work thoughts come and go. When such a thought pops in your head acknowledge it and then dismiss it don't dwell on it. You will get the hang of it. I don't think you can stop thinking or feeling what you feel. I don't think thoughts work that way. Let them flow in and straight out.

    All the best and let us know if it works

  • I know, that's actually where I got the name from. I think I understand where you're getting at- it's like the purple elephant. If someone were to tell you not to think of a purple elephant, chances are you just thought of a purple elephant regardless. I will just recognize when I get the thoughts, then move on to something else. Focus on my school work, friends, or music. Just reverting my attention to something more constructive basically. I'll let you guys know next weekend how it works out for me.

You may also like...