I was in a serious relationship from 2009 to 2013 with a young man and I swore we would get married someday. However, while me and that person where together he got engaged in 2013 and married in 2014 to someone from another country and didn't tell me. I found out through fb. I was depressed for months, cried everyday and the worst thing was that I'm in university and almost failed all my courses for that year. It's now 2015 I still cannot let go of that guy, he pops up on social networks n we talk alot n I am honestly still hurting. He keeps saying he loves me and as soon as he's stable we will be together again and I should wait on him. For the life of me, I'm hoping n believe that we can be together again. But I know what I have been through with him. Through out the relationship we had, he cheated 3 times and he got a son and I still stay in the relationship cause he always tells me I'm the one and always seem to make up for the bad he's done. I want to let go cause I don't believe he can change but my heart says I love him. It's kills me every day to know that I've been there for so long and he just marry someone else and migrate. I'm depressed, having insomnia, sleep paralysis and it's not healthy because it is very hard to focus on school even tho I make good grades now but it is difficult. I am so broken and bitters. I feel so trapped because even when other guys express intrest in me I turn them down cause I feel like I'm still with him.

I've just joined this community n this is my very first post.

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14 Replies

  • What do you love about him. List the things that you love ie how he smiled or made you feel etc

  • Thanks for responding. I guess I love what we use to have before all the lies and cheating and still holding on to fact that it can be that way again.

  • Our brains are designed to remember the good parts if we didn't no one would have babies and no one would get over trauma.

    The best way to predict future behaviour is to look at their previous behaviour and his is not good.

    You could have been his wife sitting at home while he is telling other women he loves them as he is right now and you are probably not the only one.

    This man loves no one but himself and will end up alone and lonely . I hope you have the strength to never go back to him and maybe threaten to tell his wife what he is up to he will soon disappear and not contact you again. He is a man of no morals and no commitment.

    You are worth more and the love of your life waiting for you to get rid of that loser x

  • I wished I so had found this page in 2013....i would have been farther along in this journey. I remember just coming from school turning off all the lights and just cry and the days which followed, I didn't go to school....failed my courses by absence, didn't even want to see the light of day! Thanks for your kinda words. I'm realizing it's true that this man doesn't care about anyone but himself.....I will take it one set at a time starting now. Cause before I joined this site I felt like I was slipping back to rock bottom. Thank you for the support.

  • You will get there, how we deal with our experiences make us what we are and you have been in a relationship with him and you know it does not work so learn from it and use that knowledge for the next one. People treat us how we allow them too. Do not let anyone treat you bad like that.

    If someone else was telling you your own story just think about the advice you would give them and i doubt you would be saying get back with him.

    Its his wife i feel sorry for because her life will be turned upside down at some point when she finds out what he is really like.

    You will be fine just stick on here kid x

  • Hello Scorpio

    Welcome to this site.

    let Him go, it seems that you are on a hiding for nothing and the troubles you had.

    He seems that He is playing you like a fish on line. There are so many people out there who are looking for someone why subject yourself to all your worry and sadness.

    There is little anyone can really say although with me I was in the same position at college and it saw me out of college as I was not sensible enough to get out of it before I bottled out.

    We all need to learn from experiences, sometimes it takes someone to be firm and understanding to turn your head away from something like this and if friends have given that advice that have known you for a while listen.


  • Thank you so much for responding. I don't really talk to anyone I know about this because I fear the judgement. I try everyday so hard to let go and I do well when he is not communicating with me. As soon as he says Hi I'm compelled to respond n break all the promises I made to myself regarding him.

  • Hello. In this world there are givers and takers. That guy is a taker. He found a giver--you. The only way you can get over him is to put yourself out there, mix with others and the real Mr Right will appear. It may take quite a long time but it will be worth the effort in the long run. I know it's hard but you must break off all communication with him. That connection is what is keeping you from moving on. Sever the ties between you and you will find it is the key to your freedom's door. He does NOT care about you. Otherwise you would still be a couple.He is simply one of thousands of liars and cheats who have no conscience. He will not change. This is who he is. Choose neutrality now and you will find that real love will fill your heart for the one who is waiting out there for you. Love, Myra.

  • Thank you Myra for responding. Someone once told me he will never change and I'm hearing it it resonates more in my head now. I will just have keep myself from falling back each n everytime he appears. I do so well when he's not communicating with me. But as has he pops up its bitter sweet.

  • Footnote----

    I once wrote a wee poem for a friend who was going through a bad time with her boyfriend. I remember the last two lines clearly. In fact, I still have the poem.

    Last two lines-----

    "Do it sober, do it drunk

    But leave the smug, conniving skunk!"

    He does not know the meaning of the word,"love".

  • Hi, I have experienced a similar problem. I was engaged to an american girl and my heart was broken but more importantly I ended up homeless etc in a foreign country. That was ten years ago and I wish I had listened to myself when I had thoughts that she wasn't right. I spoke to her recently on fb & im glad i did as she is still the self centred callous individual who would happily take from others.

    What I am trying to say is that listen to your common sense thoughts not your heart as people like this don't change. Good luck

  • Hi love can be so blind. Having been through a very cruel relationship when was younger I totally understand your love to wards this guy . But sadly from all that you have written does not goe well for a happy amount of being told that this relationship is wrong is going to change your feelings . Until you yourself realise . Have a look online for help with relationships sites .take care of your self . There is always someone on this site to help or just chat to . Ian

  • I am very sorry for the pain and sadness in your heart. I too have been in the same position. I created a world in my heart where he was everything I ever wanted and more. My dreamland of him became further and further away from the cold hard truth of reality month by month. He told me I was not girlie enough and would telephone me at weird hours and ask me to sent him my photo to prove whether or not I had styled my hair that day. He said rude untrue things such as I walk like an ape. The only ape was his pathetic hairy a**. I am into running and very light on my feet. He left me alone on Christmas Day after inviting me to,spend the holidays with him- because he said I would need a complete make-over before I could meet his mother. She was a coal miner's daughter from Wales and I am certain I would meet her standards. It is not like I am off to have tea with the Queen. Heck even she would probably like me more than my boyfriend did. He told me to stay in the attic when his brother whom I also was not allowed to meet picked him up. I heard him fighting with his brother saying he has to bring me because it is Christmas and wrong to leave me alone in a city I knew no one. When he got home Christmas night he heated a pineapple pizza up for me. Anyway he constantly put me down and spun things around to always make it my fault. For some reason it was like I was addicted to being treated poorly. He would call me drunk from bars saying he 'met someone'. Bought me a new coat but constantly told the story about the hot girl he asked to try it on for him so he could get a feel on how it would look on me.... It just never ended with him. He ran up my utility bills and when over the limit on my internet plan. When we finally broke up I wrote down all the horrible things he said and had done to me. And when I felt my heart breaking I would sit down and read by I should be celebrating this man out of my life! We were supposed to be engaged and named our kids and planned our future home together. But none of that was real. Sure felt good at the time. But it was just an illusion.

    Well that was May about four years ago.... Then on February of the next year I met a man that absolutely loves me. He tells me all the time how pretty I am to him and how he loves my fiqure and compliments me on my hair and clothes. He is doing the opposite things my exboyfriend did. The new boyfriend laughs at my jokes and gives me plenty of backrubs were as the exboyfriend didn't like my humour and never would do anything nice for me like a backrub. My exboyfriend called me crude names and yelled at me. My current boyfriend never called me anything but cute nicknames and never has raised his voice to me in three years. The next man you may meet may even confuse you- because he might treat you so kindly and giving you the respect you deserve. And you'll be wondering why! That is what happened to me.

    One thing though. Once you officially break off communication with him- he WILL pursue you. Remember how I said I broke up with my ex 4 years ago in May? and then met my new partner the following February? Well my exboyfriend started to stalk me right after I found someone new. Now I was a challenge and his property to own. He would telephone me saying he could see me in my window and knew I was home. All sorts of crazy things. He didn't want me anymore until someone else had me. Finally after seeing my new boyfriend he backed down. My new boyfriend is 6'5" and very big and strong. And thankfully sent my exboyfriend home with his tail between his legs.

    As far as social media goes- sadly there is only one solution. Block his FB, make your profile so only friends can see it- and delete your common friends. You need to think about you right now. Nothing else matters. Imagine if you were addicted to smoking or some other unhealthy habit. You have to quit cold turkey and get him out of your life for good. There is nothing to be gained by having any contact with him. You have gone down that road and need to make new room in your life for,people who care about you. There is romantic air to this kind of love and passion you share with this man. But it is am illusion because he feeds off having control of you luring you with his false promises. He established is motor of operation. He cheats on one girl while wooing another girl. Whether you take lead role of being 'his wife' or you take the role of being the 'mistress'- and either choice will have you being cheated on. It is all about him. And nothing you ever did to make him cheat. It is just who he is.

    It will me empowering for you to end contact with him. Because you made the choice! Once something is the way because you choose it to be.... It makes you feel strong! But of course you will also be sad but you have to stand up for you!

    Make room in your life for someone who deserves you. Someone who will cherish your love and someone that makes you a priority in their life as you make them equally a priority in your life! My boyfriend is not perfect and we have some problems like any other couple. But he never treats me the way your exboyfriend has, or like my exboyfriend has. You do know you deserve more than what your exboyfriend gave you. He is like a vampire sucking your life and heart from you. My exboyfriend was nothing more than a parasite. But it took about 8 months of been free of him in my life before I actually was able to see how emotionally abusive he truly was. You sound like a very loving and sensitive person. You deserve to find someone who appreciates that. Good riddance to rubbish is how I feel about my exboyfriend now. But for so long his name was the only thing written on my heart. Honestly breaking up with my exboyfriend was the best and most painful thing in my life. And the reward was finding out who I was without him and eventually finding a new true love. All those dreams you had of being married and sharing your life with a special someone will come true! But not with the kind of man your ex and my ex boyfriend have proven themselves to be.❤️

  • Hi, This is also my first post. And I am writing because I have had a very similar experience.

    It has taken me almost 8 years to be ok and to be almost back to me again.

    In simple terms, I adored this man he was my life. And yet It was a fantasy born of email and text, the written word is a very powerful thing! It was basically between me and another woman who he had also recently started seeing. And it turned out lived with. We worked in the same company.

    Anyway without getting into too much detail. I knew that he was totally wrong for me but I was hooked. And morally, not what I would have ever seen myself doing. It was devastating being 'with him and devastating not being 'with him:

    And for years I couldnt move on from him. Itvwas a nightmare rollercoaster.

    Now that Im out the other side I can see why I did this to myself and why he did this to me. If you give someone permission to treat you badly, they will. If you dont listen to your instincts you will be hurt. If you always put their feelings before your own they will not protect your feelings, or you. You give them the power to do to you and to treat you however they want to, because they have all the power. Because you love unconditionally. Even now I get angry and upset and feel I want to contact him and tell him how badly he treated me etc, but wont because ultimately he did the bad deeds he used abused and controlled for his own needs to be met, but I gave him permission to do that. He has moved on to get his kicks elsewhere even though he is married. This could have been me, the wife at home the stable base, oblivious to his need to inflate his ego at every opportunity. I am just grateful now that I didnt marry him. My Dad always said actions speak louder than words and there were no meaningful real life actions for me.

    I deserve better, I always knew that, I knew I didnt trust him, nothing made sense to be with him, but I needed him, he made me feel good! He was a master at it. I was dependant. It has been the hardest time in my life, and it hasnt been easy for the past 30 odd years by far, so that is really saying something.

    I can totally relate to being broken. And to have your heart say I love him I want him and your head to say Noooo!!!! No way what are you doing!!!

    Please listen to your head. One day your heart will clear and you will have wasted years!!

    You deserve to be loved, really truly, deeply and positively loved.

    To be lifted not lowered and supported, to share with to have a best friend to protect you.

    Please dont allow him to take anymore from you.

    It is damaging you.

    I hope you understand my intentions, i would hate for you to waste more of your life on someone who has already betrayed you. stop contact be strong move on. With love EE xx

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