Do I ask him or am I just being silly. Is it confusion, depression or true feelings?

I have posted on here previously about my struggle since my fiance left me nearly 4 years ago. I have been diagnosed with depression, am on anti-depressants and now take part in regular physcotherapy sessions. Since these sessions started, I have had to face alot of things from the past and it has been painful, heartbreaking, the list of emotions goes on and on. I am by no means fixed, I have alot of sessions still to go and no doubt more feelings, fears etc to confront. I began seeing a wonderful man at the beginning of this year. He is kind, caring, loving, honest, sincere, he makes me laugh and in the last 4 months he has struck up a good relationship with my two young children. He makes me feel safe, loved and protected. However since he has become more involved in my family unit, my anxiety has risen to points where ive had a panic attack, my fears of commitment, of failure, of being left alone again have also risen. I regularly question my feelings for him, whether I loved him, whether he deserved better than me. This is why I started with the physcotherapy sessions. The reason I have posted on here today is that for the last week or so I have wanted to ask him to marry me and i dont know if i'm being silly. Is it confusion from therapy etc or is it me trying to cling on to something or is it what i really want? I'll admit that i really struggle with my emotions at christmas time - it generally makes me feel incredibly sad. I feel really quite muddled. Marriage is something i would never take lightly and being with him long term is what i want. Any advice would be appreciated

15 Replies

  • Hey lillylu,

    Sounds like you have a whole emotional spectrum going like a whirling dervish in your head - remember to look after yourself.

    It sounds from what you're saying like this is a bit of an impulsive feeling? Is that fair? That you want to be with the guy long term, but the actual desire to ask him to marry you when it came was quite sudden?

    Just wanted to check what type of feeling it was before I go off rambling about what I would do ;)

  • a whirling dervish in my head would be right. I guess it has crossed my mind about marriage on and off for about the last four months, just thinking about it, what it may be like etc. I suppose in the last two weeks its become more of an every day thought. Im not an impulsive person as a rule but maybe this is impulsive :/ I just feel a bit muddled about my thoughts. People on here seem to always speak so honestly and rationally so please any advice you could give me would be appreciated.

  • Ok. I think I have an idea what you mean. I had similar thing happen when I was going through therapy. I've flirted for a while with the idea of living abroad at some point. When I was in therapy I went to New York on holiday and loved it. After another week or two of therapy I startd to get seriously manic about moving to NY, even looking up stuff about emigrating, even though it woukd zero sense at the moment. It was like yours, it became an everyday thought for a while.

    With a bit of time and distance, I find I still want to go for it - but when the timing's right. After I've retrained to get a job I actually want to do. Basically the desire is still there but it's more grounded in a realistic plan, not as manic.

    I think what happens is as we go through therapy, we start to identify how we developed, and that things we thought about ourselves, or guilt we felt, aren't justified. And that's like a shot of heroin to the brain so you get a bit manic about the happier thoughts you have. But the depression doesn't go meekly into the night so you have this weird situation where you feel intensely both up and down emotions. So part if you is still questioning things, but the positivepart has gone into overdrive and wants to get married asap.

    What I would do is - and bear in mind I have zero experience of marriage - is test the water. I think Gambit is absolutely right about waiting til after Christmas. I would say in the new year, when the two of you maybe have an evening to yourselves, have talk about the future. You could say that the therapy is helping you to think more positively about the future, and you wondered how he feels about where things are headed. I wouldn't personally dive straight into a proposal. If he reacts well, which he will or he wouldn't have been with you for a year, maybe you could talk about him moving in with you? I wonder if it would be easier for him to integrate fully into the family before you go for marriage?

    This is just my opinion though :)

  • Thankyou for replying. I think that therapy has opened up so many thoughts and feelings that youre right, ive become consumed with a good thought even though the negative ones wont go away. He has pretty much moved in with us within the last month now and after several years on my own that has taken some readjusting to. I just think ive got so much going on in my head (positive and negative) coupled with christmas (which i dont really enjoy particularly) that I dont know what to think. I do know though that he is the one i want to be with. He loves me and the children and I can see a future with him. So yes, you are right - I think I will continue as I am for the time being, keep up the therapy sessions, get through christmas and then see what the new year holds. Thank you

  • Christmas is generally a bit of a roller coaster - I'd leave any actual proposal until after Christmas and see how Christmas goes first. Is he spending it with you and your children?

  • The children are with their dad on christmas day and with me boxing day. My partner will be with me on both days.

  • At the very least see how things go on Christmas day and boxing day but on the whole I'd be inclined to leave it until the Tasmanian Devil has stopped whirling around and stirring up the thoughts in your head.

  • I think that maybe you are right. I feel very muddled and emotional today, hence why I thought I'd post on here. After several years of being on my own and in no relationship at all and feeling like something was missing from my life, I now appear to have it and things seem to finally be coming together - apart from my very sporadic mind :( Im scared that I'll mess things up, that I'll have a total freak out and tell him to get out of my life despite knowing I love him. Someone who is as special, kind loving and caring as he is doesnt come along very often and if I lost him I feel i would regret it terribly. Maybe getting christmas out of the way is best (im incredibly up and down at christmas anyway, throw a boyfriend into the mix and I guess its a recipe for disaster. Oh to just be like so many other people I see who split up, get a new partner within months and live happily ever after.....

  • Hello llyiilu

    If you love each other, He gives you all the warm feelings that make him stand out in a crowd, GO FOR IT,

    Sadly we all have doubts and we hate being spurned we would not be human. We need to take that risk and we learn that we sometimes need to take the bull by the horns and run with it.

    Sad to say we all have relationships that go bad, I have had several in the past, and now am married. We have now been married now for thirty three years,and now we are in our retired state together.

    I will never forget when we were going on honeymoon and we sat on the bus and looked at each other, the same thing going through each others mind What have we done Now we feel we have been lucky and we would not change a thing.

    So what have you to loose all that can happen is you may need to put it off for a time, although everything is worth the wait

    Take a chance life would be boring if we did not, all you can loose is happiness.

    All the best, What a Christmas Gift


  • Bob, your reply has just made me cry. Lovely words. You are right, we all have relationships that go bad, ive had a few but the one with my childrens father absolutely broke me. I am only 34 but I felt after he left in early 2010 that i would never love someone again. And i was ok with it. Me and my two children were good, a super strong, invinsible team. And now ive met someone. And i love him and i know despite all these negative, depressing thoughts i have, deep down he's the one i want to be with. He loves my children, he doesnt want to be their dad, just their friend. He loves me, he would do anything to make me happy. He has put up with such alot of my sadness and awful thoughts, yet he is still here. He still wants to be with me. He deserves so much better. I think that I need to spend the next few days, maybe through christmas thinking hard about things. Thank you for replying.

  • Hi Lillylu . I would not propose to him , I think you are jumping between telling hime to get out of your life and wanting to

    Marry him. Has he ever talked to you about marriage? If he has

    Not mentioned it before this, I would think very carefully

    Before you do ,

    Asking him would carry a big risk if he rejected you? Do you

    Think you could cope with that. I think Gambit and Themsmy

    Gave you very sound advice.

    A friend of mine who I liked asked me to marry him and I

    Was totally taken aback. I did like him a lot but there was a

    Big age difference. Then he panicked and I said look forget about

    It, So I know he liked me but the idea of commitment stressed

    Him out so much it was unreal. He is still single . I still

    Joke with him that I am the only woman who got a proposal and a

    Unproposal in the one evening.

    Enjoy the relationship and as they say Hasten slowly.



  • Realtionship r built on trust I too had a affair which got ended for no reason as both couldn't take a stand on marriage and she got hooked with a guy who knew of our affair I'm thankful to d guy who is really much caring and loving despite her affair he is trying to give his best to keep her happy I guess he is more deserving her then me.. its not easy for her to trust him but no other way either.. life never gives a second chance go with your heart and express it wish to see you married soon..

  • Hi lily, if he's the one he is worth waiting for and he will wait for you. I was told by a T once they suggested no big relationship changes should be undertaken while in active therapy. Simply put, therapy is about making time to get to know YOU

  • Hello BOB here

    You still are looking for negative things, try taking a more positive attitude, you like the man, It is obvious he must like you and you are still with him over the Christmas and your children seem to get on well with him.

    Over the years you seem to have had a rough time of it, now it is time for you to look for positive things in your relationship, every one at some time needs to take risks, if we did not we would stagnate and our lives would become poor because of it, You are questioning to much, keep looking for happiness and take a grasp for it with both hands and heart, like you If I had not taken a chance I would most probably still be single now and not had a good marriage that has lasted over thirty years.

    Life needs us to be happy, if we are always thinking about it our lives will lacking and we would always wish for what we have lost, and our feelings will look backwards and ask WHAT IF..

    If this is a chance for happiness grab it and run the extra mile

    Remember positive relationships are not like buses, one may not follow in a few mins, we try and catch the bus at the bus top at that time


  • Lillylu,

    First off thank you for sharing. If I can ask, how is your relationship with this man going? I wanted to say thank you for your post. Your words have allowed me to gain an understanding of something, that I could not understand. My girlfriend of 4 years has dealt with depression for sometime now and this stems from past life experiences. I never see it coming, but when the depression creeps back, she runs, says nasty things, shuts me out and basically does a 180 out of no where. She has never been able to really communicate to me what is happening, what she is feeling and why. All she would say is I am depressed and I would ask why why why. Each time this happens, i would think she was just cruel, immature and childish, but after some time apart, she would apologize, i would forgive and life would resume.

    Lillylu, you wrote "my fears of commitment, of failure, of being left alone again have also risen. I regularly question my feelings for him, whether I loved him, whether he deserved better than me" . When I read this, I was shocked because it's as if you were my girlfriend speaking to me. She has told me ever single one of those things, several times, but as i mentioned earlier, she would not or could not, communicate to me where this thinking was coming from. For the first time, I understand it is the depression and not me. From your perspective, I can see she is not childish or intentionally mean, its survival.

    My girlfriend has been going through therapy for about a year now and acknowledges she has major work ahead of her. For my part, i need let her know I am starting to understand and it's ok. I hope one day we can get to the point where she will be able to communicate to me when she is starting to feel out of control without fear that I will not understand

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