A nightmarish journey

[northwoodboy]

I am feeling pretty desperate, staring at my computer screen at work or lying motionless in my apt reading or watching movies to try not to obsess about my depression. My anti-depressants stopped working and I have weaned off them after 20 plus years with the goal of trying psilocybin. I am struggling more or less every day with increasing suicidal ideation something I had always rejected outright because I have 4 daughters 22-26 and it seemed such an incredibly selfish thing to do. I am worn out, I am trying multiple initiatives Mood Fit app, affirmations, exercise, therapy but feel like I am stuck with no expectation that life will ever improve despite awareness that my thoughts are largely irrational and are catastrophized.

I have no friends in my area other than my ex-girlfriend who is trying to help. My daughters know I have depression but i don't want to scare them with my thoughts of suicide. I wanted to try this resource to maybe have some additional engagement.

[012703060610]

Hi there - the anxiety and depression support group has a ton of more activity. I had forgotten I was on both and see that folks are getting responses. May be worth checking it out. I am 43 with 3 young kids battling physical ailments that have disabled me. I hate that it is forcing them to grow up so fast. I very much can appreciate you wanting to spare your kids. However, I think now that they are adults, they may be able to help a lot more than you think. Just a thought. Hang in there!

[CountrieSweetie]

I don't really know what I could say to make anything better, but here goes. I ran across this site while I was in my own state of depression and I was looking for a support group or anything to make me feel something. I ran across your post and I couldn't help but feel even more sad that you feel this. I didnt think it would be so hard to read posts by others that are so similar to how I feel. My kids are grown now too and I feel so alone ya know. I just wanted to write and tell you that, I know its hard to deal with life sometimes. I know that no one listens to anyone anymore, even when they do its not real. I mean that it doesnt feel genuine and you cant tell anyone the real story or you'll be commited. I understand how you feel and I cant tell you that life will ever be worth it. However, you deserve to be happy. We all do and I have to believe that or I dont know what I would do. I lost my little brother a lil less than a year ago to suicide. I just want to do whatever I can to make anyone feel a little more like they deserve to live and thrive even its just a small amount. Every month is harder than the last. They tell you it gets better but it never does and I miss him so much. I know that your daughters would understand. Sometimes we think no one can understand or that your protecting them by not being completly honest with them about how you feel. They arent kids anymore and they would be more than happy to be there for you. I wish my brother would have reached out to me before it was too late. Id give anything to have had the chance to tell him how much he meant to me. Dont lose hope, you have an army of people that will accept all of you. Stay strong. Thank you for your post. Your a great mom. Have a great weekend.

[raisin44]

Hello, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been suffering with major depressive disorder for years and know the pains you are going through. My psychiatrist is trying different meds. wit me. No help yet. You need meds., and counseling. Talk to anyone wo will listen to you also g ood luck on your journey.

[EnergeticTortoise]

northwoodboy, please see your doctor, sooner the better. And reach out, to anyone, a helpline, call an ambulance, get help before you can hurt yourself. Already judging these actions as selfish means you've thought this whole thing through. Please reach out before you hurt yourself.

I can relate. I'm 40, been on medication since 12. Tried to get off of them, and had a panic attack so severe left broken blood vessels in my eyes. There are many, many options. It would be great to discuss alternatives to medication with your regular doctor.

This is a cry for help, and I hear you.

Hey, I'm also from a kinda wooded area, up in Montana. Where are you from?

[Kotenok_Lelu]

Did you tried vitamins? You can google vitamins and depression. It's cheap and easy to try. I personally benefited from vitamin D immensely. My depression is resolved by taking vitamin D and walking every day. But you said you tried exercise. Try vitamins.

I hope it helps.