I am feeling pretty desperate, staring at my computer screen at work or lying motionless in my apt reading or watching movies to try not to obsess about my depression. My anti-depressants stopped working and I have weaned off them after 20 plus years with the goal of trying psilocybin. I am struggling more or less every day with increasing suicidal ideation something I had always rejected outright because I have 4 daughters 22-26 and it seemed such an incredibly selfish thing to do. I am worn out, I am trying multiple initiatives Mood Fit app, affirmations, exercise, therapy but feel like I am stuck with no expectation that life will ever improve despite awareness that my thoughts are largely irrational and are catastrophized.
I have no friends in my area other than my ex-girlfriend who is trying to help. My daughters know I have depression but i don't want to scare them with my thoughts of suicide. I wanted to try this resource to maybe have some additional engagement.