I think there’s something wrong with me - Above & Beyond

Above & Beyond
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I think there’s something wrong with me

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This is my first time posting and I’m not really sure how to say it all. But here it goes. Lately I’ve been really emotional. Like I’ll be fine and something goes wrong and I can’t help be really upset. I’ve been really distant from people, I’ve always like being on my own and I just don’t want to talk or see anyone. I’m 20 years old and I don’t know what I’m doing. I worked abroad for the year and had a great time and being home is hard. I haven’t found a job and just feel like a waste of space. My mother can be great but she snaps at me so easily. She can go from 1 to 19 in seconds and suddenly everyone is screaming. And I find it so hard. And it’s usually over nothing. Just today I was baking something, and I was really excited about it, and my mum bought me the ingredients and I messed it up. And suddenly I was crushed and couldn’t deal. I asked my mum to leave so she has a go at me and I just sat in the kitchen and cried and hit me end. I can’t explain it. My mum says I’m overreacting my I don’t feel like I am. I know I am. It’s not a big deal. But I feel it. I wait for the thing to finish baking and about to leave and go to bed it was like 11 (I’m a night owl. And been struggling to fall asleep early) as I go by mum comes in. And I’m still upset and been crying and feeling like an absolute failure. You know I was excited for this and I’m so stupid I fail. And she just screams at me to get it together that I’m pathetic. And that I should never have gone abroad because it really messed me up and changed me. I’m just crying covering my ears and as soon as she leaves I punch the wall and scratch my arms until red. She doesn’t understand how I never felt this way when I worked abroad. And she’s partly to blame on this. When I was 14/15 ish and she would upset me I use to scratch my ankle (easy to hide) until I bled. When I was away I never hand this kind of breakdown. No one in this house talk about our feelings and I hate it. We just ignore it and forget. And hate that. I can’t.

My younger sister is currently away travelling and we’ve never been close. We would argue a lot. But when one of us is away we’re usually better. I messaged her a couple of time saying mums driving me insane etc like she has to me in the past but ignores me. I ask why she’s doing that. And it’s because she’s not there and doesn’t care basically. Because she’s enjoying life and doesn’t want to know. And that hurts so bad. I’ve always been there for her inspire of everything. But she doesn’t care for me or what I’m going through.

I know I’m being dramatic about thinks but I can’t control it. I just want out. I love my mum. She great. But sometimes we just clash and it’s so bad. I have no one to talk to so I’m talking to the internet. Sorry for how long this is to who ever reads this.

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Bonkersy

Hi,

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you have a lot to cope with at the moment. But think on, you have just undertaken a huge change, returning to UK, and after total independence, you are back at home confronted with all that that entails.

It does sound as if you need medical intervention as soon as possible, please make an appointment with your GP ideally for this week. And please don't be shy. Tell your doctor how you are feeling and the outcome.

In the meantime, Something that helps me in situations like yours is to find a small notebook, and using 2 pages draw a line horizontally and another vertically across and down the middle.

Next put some titles in each square; in the top left hand box put 'PROBLEM', in the top right hand box ' HOW I FEEL', in the bottom right hand box 'WHAT I CAN DO TO MAKE IT BETTER', and finally 'OUTCOME'.

If you try to fill in the boxes, you will be surprised at how easily you find it to put things into perspective.

The self harming sounds like an ingrained way for you to cope with situations. You won't be able to change overnight, but there are things that you can do to minimise harm. Have you tried the ice trick (you take a handful of ice and squeeze it as hard as you can)?

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Oneseedatatime

Hi Sweetheart!

So glad that you joined us! You are not alone, life happens, and you are on the right path to seeking support.

Yes, you are correct, you are going through something. You are very young yet so very insightful and attune to your mind and body (EXCELLENT and UNIQUE).

The right support will get you through it and on to the other side.

Do you have insurance and or access to counseling services?

If not, this is a great resource to seek therapeutic services;

bit.ly/33JobHR

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Humanintraining

Wrong with you? No.

You lack inner peace.

Inner peace.

That's the short answer.

Here's the long one, from what I gather;

You don't feel like you're working towards a goal.

You don't feel like the people around you see you how you'd like to be seen.

You don't feel like you're who you'd like to be.

You don't feel like you're safe at home or belong in your region.

Yet you expect that you can all calmly accept that?

You must, since you assume that because you can't, there's something wrong with you.

I hope you realize how silly you sound.

Now how to fix this complex situation;

Firstly, take a step back.

Look at who you are, what you've learned, what you are capable of, evaluate yourself properly. Determine what is important to you, truly important, and what simply does not matter. You decide this, not your mom or friends or anyone else.

A tip to give you a headstart: Cakes or your cooking skills don't matter.

Keep notes or a diary or whatever.

Rationally approach your irrationality.

Figure out how you tick and what you need to function.

Secondly, talk to as many people as possible.

It doesn't matter what about, but people you spend time with, you are influenced by, whether it is online or otherwise, even I am influencing you, from afar, through my words.

You need positive influence in your life and talking with positive people is how you get that positive vibe. You can do it online or go out to bars or w/e, just get out there and away from your scary mother. You might even hear about jobs that might suit you, or things you can distract yourself with. Get out there, which should also be a goal.

Thirdly move out, or make that a goal.

It's clear that your mom doesn't provide a stable platform from which you'll be able improve yourself. You can live with grandparents, friends, in student homes, with a cat or two, w/e just leave your mother. Yeah you love her, she loves you, but ffs, even good parents don't nessecarily make good friends or good roommates. You won't function at any job if you can't be yourself or unwind at the place you call home. If you don't have a safe haven, you'll also be a wreck elsewhere. It's the work-life balance thing.

You're finding (destructive) ways to cope with a situation that you should be working to change.

Don't cope, deal.

Good luck youngling.

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