This is my first time posting and I’m not really sure how to say it all. But here it goes. Lately I’ve been really emotional. Like I’ll be fine and something goes wrong and I can’t help be really upset. I’ve been really distant from people, I’ve always like being on my own and I just don’t want to talk or see anyone. I’m 20 years old and I don’t know what I’m doing. I worked abroad for the year and had a great time and being home is hard. I haven’t found a job and just feel like a waste of space. My mother can be great but she snaps at me so easily. She can go from 1 to 19 in seconds and suddenly everyone is screaming. And I find it so hard. And it’s usually over nothing. Just today I was baking something, and I was really excited about it, and my mum bought me the ingredients and I messed it up. And suddenly I was crushed and couldn’t deal. I asked my mum to leave so she has a go at me and I just sat in the kitchen and cried and hit me end. I can’t explain it. My mum says I’m overreacting my I don’t feel like I am. I know I am. It’s not a big deal. But I feel it. I wait for the thing to finish baking and about to leave and go to bed it was like 11 (I’m a night owl. And been struggling to fall asleep early) as I go by mum comes in. And I’m still upset and been crying and feeling like an absolute failure. You know I was excited for this and I’m so stupid I fail. And she just screams at me to get it together that I’m pathetic. And that I should never have gone abroad because it really messed me up and changed me. I’m just crying covering my ears and as soon as she leaves I punch the wall and scratch my arms until red. She doesn’t understand how I never felt this way when I worked abroad. And she’s partly to blame on this. When I was 14/15 ish and she would upset me I use to scratch my ankle (easy to hide) until I bled. When I was away I never hand this kind of breakdown. No one in this house talk about our feelings and I hate it. We just ignore it and forget. And hate that. I can’t.
My younger sister is currently away travelling and we’ve never been close. We would argue a lot. But when one of us is away we’re usually better. I messaged her a couple of time saying mums driving me insane etc like she has to me in the past but ignores me. I ask why she’s doing that. And it’s because she’s not there and doesn’t care basically. Because she’s enjoying life and doesn’t want to know. And that hurts so bad. I’ve always been there for her inspire of everything. But she doesn’t care for me or what I’m going through.
I know I’m being dramatic about thinks but I can’t control it. I just want out. I love my mum. She great. But sometimes we just clash and it’s so bad. I have no one to talk to so I’m talking to the internet. Sorry for how long this is to who ever reads this.