Cutting...?

I have no idea what is hapening to me. I feel like I wish tostay in darkness, I wishnot to go back in thelightsmile and laugh. Who am i? what am i? what am i worth? what is my purpose?

I started feeling a rage build inside me when I realised I couldn't answer. I had to hit , to punch, kick, do something. Never would I hurt a tree or someone else. No way could I break something on purpose.

But my rage is still there, burning. my rage is like a hunger that can never be diminished until I see pain. But I can't see pain on someone else.

I want to see pain on myself., then.

I started hitting myself, as hard as I can. i brought tears to my eyes. my hunger grew greater. i dug my nails in my skin till the marks remained.

but no scar is seen.

I want to cut, to bleed. i want to feel the pain, see the scar, and hopefully it'll make me feel more alive. hopefully i'll wake up, and my rage will be quieted. i wince with emotional pain I shall wince when my knife slashes-not too deep- but enough to say. i get cramps in my heart and stomach. I sometimes feel hedaches. My rage wants to explode. My hunger wants to be fed.

Should I feed it?

[Mysterymoodxx]

You are feeling the way I was about a year ago, it’s horrible nowhere go turn and sometimes you wanna stay in the dark place because you’ve been in that place so long,

I got sectioned about a week ago and it’s opened my eyes get as much help as you can because being sectioned is the worst place ever!

You can do this we can all do this just need to learn how to stop that anger turning into cutting and rage,

I got a tatttoo over my cuts so it stops me from doing it again and honestly it’s worked

Positive vibes only and if you need me I’m only a message away!

[Hidden in reply to Mysterymoodxx]

I don't know what to do honestly. I'm scared to tell anyone because I don'T want them telling my parents. I'm trying to look like I'm okay when I'm at home but when I'm at school I dig my nails in my skin so hard nowI have a bunch of scars and sometimes they hurtall thought then it leaves he next day but I start all over again. I like doing it though, that's the worst part. Is that self-harm?

And thank you for replying, it means a lot to know someone went through this also.

[Mysterymoodxx in reply to Hidden]

Yeah it’s self harm,

I used to be like that I dealt with this for 3/4 years on my own before I got worse and I mean I got bad.

I purged so I was sick when I ate I suppose that took over as I wernt cutting anymore and I’m here I don’t no who you are but I care and I’m here if you need me.

My advice would be to tell someone I’m with a place called forward thinking it’s brilliant and helped me a lot I’m not going to say it gets better because it doesn’t! But it does get easier I went 4/5 months dealing with everything then this one day one day got me sectioned and it was absolutely horrible!

Schools the worst place to be right now I understand that I dealt with it through school and it was the worst but if you don’t tell anyone now your really going to struggle!

Stay safe

[Hidden in reply to Mysterymoodxx]

I'm really glad to hear that you understand me. Yeah school is bad.

But now I want to start cutting but I'm scared to do a mistake and bleed to death. I know how to disinfect and clean for cuts to heal but I can't seem to be able to put in the knife. Are scisors better?

Oh my, I can't believe I'm even thinking of it. I never thought myself of being that kind of person to want and have those thoughts. I now hate myself and find myself so wrong. I'm not well. I don't want to tell my parents. Where can I seek help?

[Mysterymoodxx in reply to Hidden]

I understand you completely I cut my wrist to deep once I didn’t even know I had it in me to do it i had to have it glued at the hospital it was so bad...

Try ringing Samaritans?

Where r you from?

[Hidden in reply to Mysterymoodxx]

I come from Canada, more prceisely Quebec. You?

And I still hesitate to contact samartians. I think it's a good idea but i don't know from where to start and i'm scared of what they'll think and if i'm only over-dramatising the whole thing.

[Mysterymoodxx in reply to Hidden]

From England, look for mental health crisis teams in your country it will deffo help you and your situation?

However I’m always here and understand you completely

[Pamela2876]

I went through a period of anxiety and depression. I felt like I had no control over my life and what happened to me. I began to reach out to family, friends and church and I received counseling. Are you seeing a counselor? It really can be so helpful. I found some really great resources that have helped me. I'd love to share them just ask!

[Hidden in reply to Pamela2876]

Well then I'll ask! I need all the help I can get...

please

[Pamela2876 in reply to Hidden]

Here is a link to resources I think may encourage you, and check out the first video. bit.ly/2mFxWoz. You are in my thoughts this week!

[Hidden in reply to Pamela2876]

Thank you! My, I hadn't realized how many resources were out there!

It really helped me thank you, I feel so much better. I also decided to go see a Life Coach, it really helped also. I stopped self-harming myself.

So thank you Pamela2876 and Mysterymoodxx for replying. It's thanks to both of you I lifted my eyes and reached out for help and I am now more at peace with myself.

A million thank yous and I wish you both the best of wishes, health to you!

[Pamela2876 in reply to Hidden]

I am so happy to hear this great news! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

[Hidden in reply to Pamela2876]

Thank you. But just to tell you, because of all this I'll stop checking my emails for a little while so I'll contact you on this post when I get back!

Peace to you and good luck on your journey, We'll get back in touch.