Whats the point of living and why is there a law for everything socially and otherwise, I just want to be free from everything, why cant we all share and accept that we are all different. My whole life has had an unfairness, not just to me but a lot of other other people and living beings. Sure I love my Family to bits and I'm lucky to have Parents who are still together and happy, I just that was and is their lives and for some reason I have never really been able to find mine. "Friends" I always go out of my way to find 'True Friends' but every time I make an effort or go out of my way to be one for my so called "friends" do I get the same in return?.... Nope! grrrrargghh! man it makes me feel mad, sad and unwanted, family always try to help sure by saying "oh its not you its them" or "maybe your doing this or that" . I have done what they say or said nothing and still the same thing F%$k!.
Then there was School (always a place for the beginning's for self doubt and depression) where if you were not "normal" or couldn't play sports you were considered and treated like trash. well that happened to me and still happens. But oh ive got to just smile and let it roll over me, Ive got the smiling down pat but everything else oh no way. Next after graduating i had Knee surgery which stuffed up my life for the first year for recuperation with friends and for work (and because the surgeon f!***d up with fixing my knee properly), I went through 8 months as a carpenter's Apprentice but couldn't handle the stain on my knee's (I say Knee's because it turned out to which I didn't discover until 3 years later that the other one was also stuffed and that the one prior was a dodgy mess) and the stress of working with a Drunk for a boss and teacher I left that job and for a couple of months was jobless until I found another job or Apprenticeship as a Welder, that lasted 11 months because my boss ran out of work and went bankrupt thanks to his Lottery Tickets and smoking and over charging customers, so again searching for work went through another job for a short term only because I was filling in for someone and by the end of 3 years If you can imagine I was (am) in self doubt 'It's because of me that I can't find a job' or 'no one loves me and want to be around me' or even 'whats the point of life?'
- When I got to this stage I was at my lowest. Broke, no Friends, sleeping most of the day and all night, drinking, hating everything and life. I got so low I tried taking my own life several occasions. Rope, sleeping pills, drown, holding my breath but every time I just couldn't go through with it and at each time I'd call myself a "coward" for not being able to go through with it I finally was caught or 'Stopped' as it were when I was just about the do the "Big One" Which was a chain on the patios steel truss 2 meters in the air, when my cell phone called with my older sister on the other end (that's when I broke down).
I told her everything (you see this wasn't a weekly thing this has/had been going on since Grade 1 Primary school) and for the next several months I was getting counseled (this may seem like a story but it's true and even now as I'm writing this I'm struggling to keep on going) hey thanks for the counseling but after a time it means jacks*** and you have to get back out into the real world.
So I continued (or so I Thought) my Apprenticeship to because a Heavy Fabrication Welding to which I did for a year and 4 month with the constant bulling by one other worker (a year older then myself, old goody two shoes back stabbing twat who only felt great by throwing his team under the bus and get promoted ( I was lucky to get out when I did but I still feel bad for my crew who are still there). I loved it there sadly my depression had returned after a year and a half of not being there/here. I loved what I did making portable sheep yards and farm machinery, at the end of it tho from s**t pay of $16 a hour ( because I "thought" I was continuing my apprenticeship) and working so hard that during the time I was working there I had had surgery twice, once for my Knee's left and right and secondly for my thumb (ground it to the bone) and kept working like a loyal worker plus I'd made my boss 1.5M dollars worth of portable dam sheep yards, did I learn the the whole Apprenticeship (which at the end of my 3 years id do the Tafe) was a complete ferfy, The prick hadnt even send the letter to Tafe or to the Apprenticentre.
So let me give you a run down of what I felt like Since my 5-6 years of trying to find my place in the working world feels like; Depression, Anger, Self Doubt, Broke, Cheated, Sad, No "True" Friends, No Girlfriend (to share support with) I was/am a Souless Zombie where every day to get out of bed and keep happy I a massive chore.
"why do I keep on living?"
Thankfully I've found a hobbie and a source that keeps me happy 50% of the time, Those are; healthy eating, Freya(my belief is that we should look after this Earth for she is out mother), Tablets ( NuroSAMs PLUS) and Blacksmithing.
But keeping these things going I need a source of income- I have got my name on a caring Job but I'm just waiting for them to give me a call so I can continue (been waiting 1 month now )
"is this my fault?"
"what did I do to deserve all this bad luck?"
"how can I keep on going? when ever I log into social media I see all the people I knew from school and work either married and have successful jobs, from the ones who bullied me and others to the ones who were bullied..."
" I feel like an empty shell"
"I should give up"
thank you all for reading and sorry for the "me ,why me stuff" I just ....
why?
I don't want to exist
