I feel really down lately, my anxiety is up the roof, my mind seeks for something to worry about.
I'm 29, live on a family farm, soon I'll be 30. Battling social anxiety has bern a tough ride, and I just continue to fall and cant take it anymore. It's hard not to cry sometimes... I get waves of depression, feeling what's the purpose of my existence, wanting to end my life at the same time scared of dying old age and death.
I find my work boring, I find my life boring, hill farming is prittey much an unprofitable job, the only thing keeping it alive are government grants for wildlife conservation. It's not like what you see on tv...
Why do I do it?...
Because I had no idea what I really wanted to do in my teens and early 20s, my parents and grand ma wanted me to do farming. I felt that's my life, tried to like it. Scared of being a dissapointment and felt I was no good for anything else.
Just finished shearing, 500 sheep, not all at once all for £350. I don't feel like doing this next year, but I don't think I have a choice.
I wish I was living on an arable farm where you can grow fruits and veg where the climate is better than in the hills, don't know too much about arable farming but it seems better than costly jobs with cattle and getting rid of maggots on sheep over summer and hoping for a good price.
I have no social life, I have limited life experiences, most people in town including the neighbours think I'm not right in the head, my fault because of the way I act. Once people have an idea of what you're like, it' hard to change their mind.....why do I care I don't kniw, but it' not nice being talked to like your a bit slow....I think I may have some kind of mental or social retardation, judging the way some people talk to me.
Even my parents think I'm a little slow, my dad would complain to my mom sometimes about me not saying much to people when they talk to me or my strange grin like a treasure cat when they talk to me,(not realising I do it) sometimes that I'm useless.
Maybe its why I am such a failure.
What would I like to do instead?
It's hard to know, I wanted to be a vet or with the RSPCA, before but vetrinary studies is quite difficult and long. Beyond my mental capacity.
Then I wanted to work in the airport environment, like airport security, or border security like I'be seen on tv...or ground staff, at least you don't need college degrees, the only down sides for me is the over night shifts.
I like planes and the thought of working in an airport seems interesting.
I'm currently painting and plastering a house which we own, I enjoy it, YouTube is a help...I now think this is a job I'd like to try.
But it's difficult to know if I'd like doing it in the end. You need to have qualifications or experience, have good mathematical skills,according to a skills website, I'm terrible at maths, I can use a calculator and a tape measure though...
It's hard to find someone who is willing to let you work with them like learn on the job, especially around here.
And I am hopeless at asking for work, I never done it before, last time I work for someone was in a cafe as an assistant chef, for high school work experience, it was the only part of school life I enjoyed the most.
It would've been better if I went to college before to study something like that or building and construction than another year in an agriculture college with students who pull me down.....a total waste of money. I learnt a bit though and "passed" the national diploma.
Another thing I always wanted to do was to travel, I wanted to go backpacking like work exchange and stuff, go to Australia or Canada, get experience through working holiday visas. I made plans for it, researched it. Obsessed myself.....long before I watched travel vlogs. I wanted to do it and have some enjoyment, I have passion for travel, culture, languages history wildlife and seeing the world.
I got savings accounts since I was a kid, and money in my personal and shared account, why not spend a bit rather than wait till I'm old and frail?
I even did web design at nights a few years back so I get something extra, selling starter websites to people it worked for a bit, it started to become a waste of time and money and not what I expected. Not something I'd like to do full time.
I also felt it would help boost my confidence, reduce my social anxiety, learn new skills, I still want to do it, but I feel a bit late now, especially the WHV if it really is worth it in the end.
I feel dissapointed that I didn't take the time and I wasted my time so much thinking about it.
I procrastinated most of the times, there was always an excuse, I think I'll do it next year, but never did.
I really should've taken it slow, get help through therapy early in life. It was only 3 years ago I had horrible fainting sensations and had a gp appointment where I told the doc. everything then had computerised CBT with a helper.
My biggest concerns was and still are, if I gave it a try was who's going to help on the farm....
I had the chance when a family friend was staying here all those years ago, and my brother was at home. I just had no confidence or understanding.
My dad is old now in his 70s and moaning that he can't cope, asthma getting worse and stress with farming especially this year with the weather, bad winter and not much lambs to sell, paying, all the bills and nothing but bills coming in...
My mom keeps reminding me they're getting old and I should take more responsibility on the farm.
They don't want to sell up any time soon nor keep less animals. My dad like the other old farmer now in severe depression, they don't want to be doing nothing, retiring, moving home and living in the town.
It would be selfish if I just booked a ticket now and go travelling or something.
I always fear something bad happening here and it would be my fault for not staying on the farm.
There's always something on the farm.
And really unsure what I really want to do, whether I like to carry on farming or do something different....I feel so much guilt.. and feel hopeless, living a boring life.
Most people my age have grown up, they most likely have an idea what to do in their life...
I really feel sad that I missed so much oppurtunities and many chances long before I suffered from these cycle of physical aches pains and discomfort and non stop anxiety... It has helped me procrastinate more unfortunately.
I tried volunteering these past 2 years though, in the winter where I have better time with the national park in a town not far from my local town. That was my only success.