I don't know what to do someone help me

[jadie302]

Idk what's wrong with me or if there is anything wrong with me or if i'm just being dramatic. my boyfriend is my only real friend and he lives in Florida until next year and i live up north. my dad finds it interesting because he said im either really animated or really nasty (i can be pretty irritable towards my family when i'm tired coming home from work or school). i have nothing to do but work and college and pay crazy bills. I miss having a life. I don't feel like i am worthless, i know i am that bitch (excuse my french). i dont know. im pretty confident i think. my boyfriend thinks im overly confident sometimes but i used to be reallly insecure and sometimes i have to fake it you know. but i know my worth. i have nothing to do anymore, and all i want to do is have fun or go shopping and buy all clothes and get my nails done and makeup and girly things. i love to buy things to make me feel better, especially when im lonely. but then i feel bad later on because i spent money. i don't have money for myself anymore. with car insurance, college textbooks, phone bills etc. i remember last summer i spent ALL of my money because i felt like my money was gonna be all gone on bills so i might as well just spend it on myself. but then it took me a really long time to recover and i learned that's not smart. so now im a really hard penny pincher. I make 20 bucks last a week for gas only. i just don't know. there's periods where i wake up EVERY night at 4 am for NO REASON. literally days in a row i will wake up at the same time. I even remember going to bed like at 1 am one time and STILL woke up at 4. my dad says it's hormones but idk. and it takes me like 30 minutes before i can go back to sleep. sometimes i get sad bc im lonely and i feel like i have no one. i remember feeling like this in middle school when i didn't really go out much. but when i go out i forget about it. i like going out. but i hate going out and being around people i feel like dont care about me. and a lot of people dont care about me. my "friends" used me. my dad doesn't talk to me anymore (1 month strong) literally at all. since the time he threw me out in the middle of the night. i dont know if im pmsing rn but i have been crying everyday for the past 3 days. ik sometimes it stupid things like yesterday i burned my pizza. i dont know if my birth control is taking over but i feel okay. i know since i took it i been more emotional. but it was cool earlier in the year when i had friends. and i also know that in middle school i didnt have birth control and i cut myself once to see if it would make me feel better but i didnt and i never did it again. i used to think of death in middle school too. i think i recall wanting to choke myself with my sheets and tied it around my neck tight. i thought middle school was just a phase you know. bc i got over it when i made friends and went out and partied a lot. but i feel very similar to how i felt then. sad bc im lonely. like i have no one. ive always been a good student though, i have a 4.0 in college rn. idk if you read this all thank you. let me know what you think. is it just hormones from birth control and pms or do i have a deeper issue.

[chloe40]

Hi jadie302 Welcome to our Community.

Waking in the early hours on a regular basis is a classic symptom of depression, so can I suggest you keep a journal for the next 4 weeks if you can hang on that long, then go and see your doctor?

You sound very stressed Jadie and this may be because you have a lot of responsibilities at a young age, how old are you?

I'm glad to hear that you didn't continue with cutting, definitely not a good idea but you do need to get your stress under control. By writing your thoughts down you may see a pattern emerging and it will prove whether it is hormonal or not or it may be the birth control, in which case you will need to speak with you Doctor.

Exercise in any form helps us get rid of stress, so worth a try too.

Take care

Chloe

[jadie302 in reply to chloe40]

thanks chloe, i am 19 by the way. i will start with the journal and i exercise 3 times a week for an hour or an hour and a half.

[chloe40 in reply to jadie302]

Great to hear from you jadie302 that's excellent news. Try to build up your exercise, don't over do it too soon.

If you are interested, there are some brilliant Mindfulness exercises, some only 12mins long, my favourite is the 'body scan' it really does clear your mind and leave you feeling calm, they're on YT.

Keep in touch,

Chloe