No body understands my mental state.

[Anon244]

I am a 23 year old female. I have suffered for many years from mental problems and never quite figured out what was wrong. Ive lost jobs, friends, family, boyfriends and houses. I've lived through 5 years of a very emotional and physical abusive relationship. Once I left that relationship everything went even more south. I started a drinking and doing drugs and not taking care of myself. I lost myself and just went crazy. Couldn't even feel anything anymore. I didnt Care what happened to me. I started trying to find a way to end my life painlessly. I started to seriously cut and injure myself, drinking excessively and then driving far away and at high speeds only dreaming of someone just crashing into me and ending my pain. I had no one. No body understood what was going on in my head. I would sit on the floor for hours screaming and crying and drinking straight alcohol every night. Never talked to my family. I eventually lost my bartending job of 2 years. I got diagnosed with depressive bipolar and prescribed Seroquel and Pristiq. neither helped. I had a strong addiction to pot at this point. smoking week and taking Seroquel was not a good idea. I slept for days at a time. didnt feed my dog and cats, didnt eat for days, calling in sick to work, ignoring friends. My life was completely fucked. I hated myself. all I wanted was to be normal. for someone to understand me. everyone had abandoned me. which led to to more drug abs alcohol use. 6 months later I now live with my boyfriend, study at Tafe, have a steady job, decent friends and I thought I was finally cured. I felt Happy. I started smoking pot again, because my roomate did and I got back into it. I cannot help myself. I have an addictive personality. my boyfriend didnt like it. he told me to stop. I eventually started calling in sick to Tafe and my work placement. not showing up. I stopped smoking because I didn't wanna go back down that road And ruin my life again. its been over a week now and all of a sudden I got so depressed. still not going to Tafe (which kills me because I love going) and fighting with my boyfriend. I feel useless and such a disappointment. my family are finally proud of me but they dont know my secrets and what I deal with daily. I'm a drug addict and I always will be. I love drugs. they help me escape this shit reality and tenporarily feel better. I get this thing in my head sometimes where I feel so aggressive and angry and I just wanna brek something or smash something just to let it out. my moods are constantly changing. up and down all the time. its exhausting. I dont like medication because it changes me, makes me feel like a zombie. I'm only currently on Zoloft. I stopped medication and drugs altogether for 6 months and that was the worst time of my life. so I feel I need meds forever. no body understands.fuck tthis world. people that have pure happiness dont realize how precious that it.

[Hidden]

That's my life you're living. :/

[mooshelley]

I too feel nobody understands especially my family. Only yesterday I became very angry have never done this before and just wanted to lay into my gob by nephew. Had a word with my sister and she just never said anything to hi. Because she said he is ok.

When I got home it made my depression worse. I so hate having to carry on like this. I truly know where your coming from. It is very hard at times but I believe it's best to stay busy believe me I try every day but bang I get these thoughts it's like being on a boat swaying side to side dipping then stable. This drives me crazey at times I believe life is a roller coaster, very trying and hard. I have had my medication changed from citalopram to 40mg of fluoxetine which I believe is Prozac. I am also on diazepam to chill me down and zopiclone to sleep. Received a letter last week from psychiatrist telling my doctor to reduce and take me off diazepam and zopiclone. I didn't take one the first time I got the letter I woke up ten times felt so crap n the morning. Now I think. Have become dependant on these.

[Minena]

Anon from what u posted... All you need to keep in mind is that your an amazing person. Overall Super strong to be tolerating and attempting to cope with being bipolar. Go back to a professional clinic that you feel comfortable with and restart your treatment and take that list of medications that did Not work for you and They are required to give u something that works better for you. The key to overcoming Mental illness is DONT GIVE UP!! It's not impossible. I work is this field and for years have seen individuals just like you struggling but in the end you will find the right medication/s for your symptoms and you can recover with time. Give yourself all the chances you need to change back into your better healthy self. Good Luck!!