A little problem.

[LightTails]

Well. Hello.

I am new here, just made an account and wanted to ask for an advice.

So my problem is, that I am scared of depression. Not as a phobia, more like as if I have one. Before i start i understand, that internet is not a place for searching a medical and professional result that is why I am asking just for an advice.

I haven't been for too much ( I am only 17. Didn't even got to quarter of my life ) but still I feel like I could be replaced by someone. Replaced as a much better than me person. There is always better than me ( if there is not I will make up one), if I fail at doing anything, even a tea, I guilt myself like it was my families greatest achievement and i just flopped it up. I am constantly feeling like an empty shell.

My jokes of theme " haha kill yourself" have becomed my everyday way to just bully myself. Every activity that wasn't done perfectly is my another weapon against me. Everything either has to be done perfectly or I die afterwards. Always feeling sad, always unwanted and always a big disappointment of humanity. I am constantly at war with my own brain, where the brain is the perfect "me" and I am the worst "me". Every pass on a mirror or a window makes me feel uncomfortable. Seeing myself feels me with hatred and sadness.

Games are my way to stop thinking about myself and about my problems but sometimes even those don't work. I end up yelling at myself and of " how such a piece of shit can I be" or even hitting my desk with my head. Of course I know it is immature and one of the reasons why parents hate seeing their kids play.

My parents are the best thing that ever happened to me. And I hate it. I don't feel like they should be my parents. They are too good. I'm feeling like I'm disappointing them, make them fight between each other. And I don't want to do that. I am scared to go to them and tell them that..... that i don't feel good with myself. I am scared they will accuse each other for that. That's the last thing I want to happen. I even ended up crying over my phone while talking with my best friend because I opened up in front of her.

That is most of the story. I just don't know what to do. If anyone would even care to read half of this, I would be really thankfull

[KrisBerri]

Fall in love.

[LightTails in reply to KrisBerri]

It's hard when you hate yourself. And hate going outside. Going outside is a last ditch effort. Any kind of social activity is for me painful and hard to overcome. So that's not going to help.