Too Depressed to Study

[unvirtuous]

This is it. I'm at a point in my life where what I decide to next is crucial to how I'm going to live. I failed all my classes for the last two semesters of high school (I home schooled online) and the vice principal told me I should think about getting my GED. Now don't get me wrong, he wasn't trying to toss me aside and tell me I should give up it's just that he noticed I went from being an A student to flunking out of school. He knew I was smart and could do it but he identified that I was going through things and school was probably too much for me-if I stayed in school I'd have to somehow magically not be depressed and it would take me a year and a half until I would graduate and guys I'm 18 already I thought I'd be out of here by now so HELL no. I didn't think it was a good idea because of the bad rep on GEDs but when he explained I could still go to college I was happy. I really did not think I would be going to college and I didn't want to ever since all my problems in school and I made excuses for not wanting to go anymore such as "oh, the money is way to much and I'd be in debt until the day I die." But when he told me this it brought me hope and I hadn't felt that in a long time.

So I've decided I want to go to college. In case you couldn't tell because I didn't really talk about it, I have depression. I was physically abused by my mother and stepfather and pulled out of school because of financial problems which forced me to be home schooled since 7 years old. I'm the oldest of 6 siblings and I was forced to take care of them while my parents sat around and procrastinated and decided not to work or take care of their kids and live off the government because it was easier. The physical abuse got bad and I was sent to live with my grandparents at 14 which is better because it's just me and them, less to worry about. But god did the memories of abuse and being caged in a house mess me up... what's worse is that social services believed my mothers story and I got blamed for what happened... they didn't even check me to see the bruising. I'm going to skip forward to now. My depression makes it so that I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning if it isn't for food. I spent more than 12 hours a day behind my laptop or texting on my phone and I have the means to study but I just can't do it. This is why I dropped out and decided to go for my GED but I can't even bring myself to study for it.

It's not me being lazy, I have depression and stress issues to the point where I scratch myself and leave marks on my face and back (which doesn't help with insecurities). My eating habits get messed up frequently and sleeping is.. sleeping is an escape from my feelings so I sleep the day away whenever possible. Guys if I can't study for the GED test (on my own time and all that) how the hell will I make it in college? I feel like I never finish anything-just like my parents. I don't want to be this way anymore. Where I live now I cant just access doctors and I'm not a resident and I just want to go back home to the states but I know I can't do it myself because I'll have to work and worry about bills and live in poverty. I NEED to get my GED and get into college so I can move back and learn and be happy. I need to learn how to study and fight off the depression-I need to learn how to get out of bed in the mornings and do something productive. I can't do this myself and I need help...

[Hidden]

Just to clarify, you still at your grandparents but not in the US? ok you're not in a great position but at least have a roof over your head with someone to look after you and you're not alone, if this is the case be greatful for that.

Your clear priority is your studies so I gather you find the work partly interesting, it's just that the other stuff in your life is stopping you. I have had depression and its like being crushed so much you can't do anything, you can't watch tv is the measure I would use to see if you are depressed in reality.

Have you tried medication, I guess you must have, I take citalopram, its excellent in thati t helps you build your resilience against lifes struggles.

If you are so depressed you find it hard to do anything then I can give you some advice, but I don't think you are that bad

So 2 targets then

- getting up say not later than 10:00

-getting some studying done

It's the motivation that is the key, at the moment your fallen nature is dominating the battle - we all have this though some more than others. Ask God for help - there'll be times every day where you have to do what he wants and not what you want, very painful at the time but your feelings and emotions catch up a bit later. For example getting out of bed, have a wash put your clothes on and go have breakfast just DO what God wants you to do whatever it takes - he'll enable you to do this - please give it a try

Another example, set a target to do 20 mins study even though you don't want to - set an alarm clock for that time and keep going for the time no matter what - see how you find that.

Teenagers have complex changing lives, I'm in my 50s so probably not the best to advise - but I think you'll need to be prepared to put up with a certain amount of light suffering I would say to get your education sorted - do you think you can make that decision to go for it? it won't be easy though, but as long as mentally you can accept that and live with the discomfort, it's better than the alternative of not getting anywhere.

Remember there are many, many struggling as you do, I do also. Just tune in to the subject of suffering on the internet, you'll be comforted and not feel so alone - and just try to take one day at a time, thats all you need to do, get through to the evening on your worst days

cheers for now

Rich