Why Do I Feel so Fake at Times?

[findingmyself]

Hello, I am typing this in hopes of finding people out there who can explain this to me or at least relate to me.

Sometimes I can't help but feel fake. I honestly don't really know why. There are times when I interact with people and I feel guilty because I would not be as social or as funny or as outgoing as people may like me to be. I noticed that I often wish to be friends with the outgoing people but they end up naturally sticking to more outgoing and loud people. I get frustrated because I try my best to give reactions and share more about myself than I would like to. But then I end up feeling weak, fake and like I was spreading myself thin only to be left out and dry. I end up being different with my own close friends. With them I can act silly, loud when I feel like it and be fine. And at those moments, I sometimes get a guilty feeling in me, like I was being fake or something. I wish I could just pour myself out and feel free to react and talk without feeling bashful or easily embarrassed. I hate it.

Anyway, I also noticed this weird thing about me where I feel weird giving affection or receiving affection. I tried making sense of this mentality and I think it is because I can be a horrible sibling or daughter. I mean I also had a traumatic childhood that involved sexual abuse. (That has received attention and SOME counseling as far as I could afford it). But overall, I think this is happening because I have low self-esteem and self-worth. I can't afford to go seek professional help now so what do I do?

I really can't afford professional help. Also, things like eating food, going out, shopping, cooking, going on the internet have lost a lot of meaning for me, which makes life boring for me. I always leave Facebook feeling depressed because everyone on their is having a great life or things going on, except me. Things just seems so mundane and repetitive at this point.

I apologize as this seems to talk about SEVERAL different things but they do touch on one another.

However, I am not like this all the time. Of course, I have my happy-stupid-silly moments. I am 23, single, and about to start teaching soon! I am excited to teach for the first time! I am just typing this because I don't want to hit a downpoint like this anymore. Its annoying.

Thank you for reading this and appreciate any thoughts or comments.

[loggerslot]

Hi there,

we all try to change ourselves to fit in with others but it is a hit and miss depending on the person. Firstly, be yourself and be proud for who you are, you have be content and satisfied and never try to match up to others out there by not being yourself, otherwise you may create an element of imbalance in yourself by doing so and could create a setback for yourself.

you have a circle of close friends so enjoy spending time with them, if it helps and you trust your close friends then talk to them about what you are going through, maybe not in too much detail and they will understand and help you.

With regards to what you've been through, once you start teaching, it would be advisable to restart your therapy and keep it going until you feel better.

Try not to worry too much about things like facebook or any other social media sites. I'm not on facebook and thank god that i'm not because they are quite boring now and repetitive.

When you get your job and start saving up, try to take initiative and plan small cheap holidays away with your close friends or maybe a visit to a theme park and enjoy yourselves and the boredom will soon be gone with.

take care with your teaching role. it may create some stress for you due to planning teaching materials but take it easy and always talk to your therapist about anything that stresses you.

Slowly does it and you will soon get back onto your feet.

[findingmyself in reply to loggerslot]

Thank you for the reply. I will try not to think too much about it. I realize that part of my problem has to do with escapism. I often try to escape reality since I am not so happy with myself, currently. No wonder I am feeling more and more anxious about teaching soon.

It is just so hard to stay in the present moment and not go into my own fantasy world.

[loggerslot in reply to findingmyself]

i think we all enjoy that moment to escape into a dream world just to get away from this reality. Mine is to just fly like a free bird into the orange red sun set close to the ocean with dolphins following me jumping out of the ocean until i reach my paradise island with clear sea water and white sand where i can chill out. i don't think there is anything wrong with it just so you are in touch with reality. its always a good idea to build a small cheap interest in something and move along with it. it helps pass the time and occupy all that energy. in my free time when i was getting better gardening really helped and it just led one thing to another and most my spare time is in the garden and it helped me realize a lot of things we just take for granted. i'm not saying do gardening but its just to show how adopting an interest helps you.

don't forget live as each day comes and don't worry or stress about what tomorrow brings.

All the best