Who am I

I've completely lost sight of what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, and who has been there for me. I am completely shut down. I am scared that if I don't change my mentality that this will ruin disconnect me from everyone entirely. I'm scared that because I don't relate to anyone or anything that I will not be able to get married, have a nice house, a family or a job. I'm afraid that if I don't figure out what my problem is that I will be homeless. I am scared of failure. I am scared of what happens when I fail. I am losing the motivation and enthusiasm to get out of bed. I'm having issues dealing with the skeletons in my closet. Being so I have had a hard time making new friends and meeting new people because I just stopped caring all together. Nobody ever listened to me and nobody ever thought I was good enough, so why should I right? I am getting pummeled by my mind, trying to get things going. I have been running on ice, not going anywhere and falling overtime I try to get traction again. I am becoming my own worst enemy and I don't know how to stop me from hating myself. I hope writing this helps me shine a light on who I am and how to put myself back together.

5 Replies

  • I can relate to you. My mother is severely depressed. She got kicked out of college, couldn't keep any jobs or a house. On top of that she had me out of wedlock only to have my father leave her while she was pregnant. Before seeking help, I was having a really hard time and was scared of living a life like hers. Now I have a counselor and medication. I also have faith in God which is what has gotten me through all of my hard times.

  • I'm sorry to hear about that. I know what it's like trying toot turn out like my dad. He was always angry for no reason. Junior Year of high school he blamed me for my parents divorce and after I had confronted him about it he lied straight to my face saying I was making stuff up. Ever since then I've questioned everything I've done. I have no idea if it was because of me or I just piss my dad off that much. I'm not going to give-up I'm going to keep finding out what it is that actually makes me happy. Then I'll go from there.

  • Sounds 👍.

  • If no one cares about you, fuck em'. All I really need to say on that matter.

  • I was exactly at that point 4 weeks ago, in a place so dark that even the sunshine would not get, I would crawl out of bed just half an hour before picking up my daughter from school, I moved away from people, even the ones I loved, everything felt dark and hopeless, every little task was a beyond my strength whether it was getting dressed, having a shower or making the bed. I tried everything, and I mean everything on the text books, I am a psychologist so you would think that I would be the last person to fall in the black hole but I did and it was not nice nor easy to admit that the same thing I helped others with what was now hitting me big time. It took me 1 year to find the courage to admit that maybe I needed some help so I went to my GP and asked her for some anti-depressants ( I can tell that is the lowest that a psychologist can go, to admit that one needs chemical help ). Today I can admire the sun and the flowers, my life has colours and I can see the present but also an optimistic future, where joy and happiness can live. I just want you to know that there is hope and that you are not alone. Take care.

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