I think i need help , but i don't know how to ask

For some reason i have this feeling in the back of my head that writing this is a mistake. I don't know why, it just is.

I'm 19 , i love my friends and my family and i know they love me too, they are all moving on with theyr lives , but i fell stuck , stuck with a feeling of numbness and void , meaningless , i feel like a failure. I don't see a point in living on anymore, i'm scared of becoming just another brick in the wall , always unhappy and annoyed at myself for being a failure , even though i know i am the only one that can change that i don't see myself doing it , i don't feel good with myself. Why?

Am i suicidal? No. Have i considered or imagine myself doing it ? Yes. But every time i do , i think about all the pain that would cause , to my friends , my mother and my little sister , so i stop , and i move on . Do i wish to keep on living? i don't know. I feel like i have no reason to. I don't feel joy on things anymore , and i'm stuck with a routine that feel like tar.

I'm not overweight , i don't have an stressfull job (i'm unemployed for that matter) , i go out with my friends a lot, i guess those are the reasons behind this constant shout of "stop feeling sorry for yourself" whipping my back as i am writing this. I don't have facebook or twitter have never felt that these thing were useful. I have never tried to find a serious relatioship , although a lot of people , including my psicologist have said that it would help , i don't think its worth the trouble.

Currently i don't have hobby, i (try to) to things i like doing from time to time , reading , drawing , i even tried some carpenting fixing a table and a door here and there but i've been losing inspiration over time and that worries me . At first i did these things for myself , but eventually it turned into a constant "fishing" for approval , i stoped feeling happy about my works , even when everyone i asked about said it was ok

I feel constantly annoyed at myself , sometimes when i am home alone i listen to calm music , mostly flute and violin...they help me relax and meditate while i talk to my counsciousness.

I have never seen a doctor about this because i dont know if this is really depression or lazyness or something of these sorts and i don't want to turn into a problem for anyone,

I'm sorry for this wall of text and for dumping my problems here , but i kinda have no one else to talk to about this.

[Hidden]

Have you ever read the Bible? It might be a good time for you - in that there is certainty and security but no easy answers.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I've tried once , but i don't believe in god, religion is not for me.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

yes you are not at a good age for taking the cross up - I'll perhaps get back to you over the weekend. Where you from?

[Hidden]

try and think smaller - so life isn't so great, train yourself to be content with that - so what if things aren't going your way, you are still coping aren't you. If you learn to lower your expectations there will be a smaller gap between reality and your natural self and you will be more content - but it takes practice and doesn't come overnight. You mention hobbies you have tried, but find them uninteresting - but at least you had a go, you are expecting too much from them. I find it like that with holidays, we expect the holiday to make us happy, but is doesn't really, there is often very little to do and what there is costs a lot of money - but if you don't expect the holiday to provide for your needs, or the place you are going doesn't have to be so great, then thats a much better place to be in mentally - learn to think small always

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I've been told to lower my expectations before , and i've been trying to make a habit of it , so to speak , but having such high self standarts has become something automatic, i dont know where this came from though , maybe i've dealt with other people high expectations of me for so long that they became imprinted on me. But i will try to think small and focus in the now.

[Jane777]

I think you should go and see your doctor and discuss how you are feeling. They can then give you their opinion as to whether you are suffering from depression and suggest possible treatments if appropriate.

It's really positive that you have come on here asking for help - just by doing that you are taking control of the situation. Also great that you are doing some meditation.

Things can get better.

[Hidden in reply to Jane777]

I don't think i've ever told my psichologist about this... i've asked her if she thought i was depressed before but she never considered me depressed , i wonder if thats because i have unintentionally learned how to hide it from the people whom i seek approval of or its because i get in such a good mood , such a peaceful state of mind when i walk into her room. I will bring this to her attention tomorrow though.

I've always liked my meditation , sadly its restricted to the time when i'm alone.

[RainyB97]

I feel similar to you, and I'm also 19 and feel no one takes me seriously when I discuss these issues with them, perhaps message me privately? It'd be nice to talk to someone of the same age experiencing this. x

[Hidden in reply to RainyB97]

i talked to my psychologist about this and she said that this isn't entirely a bad thing , that this is in fact a constructive way of thinking, from the moment start thinking like theres no point anymore you will start looking for that point , for some sort of change and purpose , and next year i will have a huge change in my life as i will spend 6 months in Australia in a full immersion course.

You might be feeling this way because you may have never achieved something for yourself with you own effort ( at least this is part of my issue ) even if its a little thing like drawing something that you think its cool instead of drawing something and go around asking everyone if its cool.

But if no one takes you seriously than perhaps you should try a different approach , instead of trying to talk to them about something they refuse to understand or acknowledge , maybe try asking them if they could arrange a visit to a professional , if they ask why you could say that you just need it or ask them if they could just trust you or believe that you need it , that worked for me. My mother doenst know about this issue in specific, i was going to my psychologist long before i started feeling this way. Maybe it will work for you too.

Im sorry if i didn't make much sense , its a bit hard to express and explain what happened to me.