Struggling rather

I have had a lot of stress with rat shows, but am trying to get to the more local ones, so I will be going to the Eltham show - very probably ratless. I'll be going on public transport, although I could manage one carrier. I have to decide whether it is in Revel's best interest to show him. He's actually happy at shows, but just not the best colour etc. He does do well at LSCMRC as a stud buck. Sapphire might make a good show rat, but i want to do some more socialisation first. There will be one person there with whom I have a lot of problems. I have to go to take something to someone, which can't be sent any other way.

I'm feeling quite shaky at present - a combination of things: I've had no broadband and have been on the floor for about half an hour fixing my router. This doesn't help the pain. I now need to see if I can get my alarm to run with it, and also my cordless handsets. I've always preferred software to hardware, especially when the latter is at ground level! I've been doing some sorting out of things at home and am feeling overwhelmed. I know it is little by little - the problem arose over years and I can't fix it all in one day. I need to get ready for the boiler before long.

I'm still shocked because on Saturday night my beautiful 'adopted' rat. Lucky, collapsed and died in my hands. After vet surgery, I thought she was breathing rather rapidly and her breathing was slightly squeaky. She wouldn't eat, and I had just bought some nuggets. I knew I'd just be told to give her some Baytril - I have a good relationship with my vet. I'd been taking some atrocious photos of her being kissed, but gave her the Baytril - I had to syringe it in as she wouldn't take it on food - and she just collapsed and couldn't be resuscitated. She had had three good weeks with me, after her restricted life, but it is devastating that it was so short,

I must work on what I have to do systematically and avoid procrastination or just wanting to escape. The mindfulness-CBT course begins next month. I'm sure my psychiatrist and GP underestimate how bad I can get. The financial problems are so difficult, there just isn't a way round that. I can manage the New Year Retreat but not the dearer Christmas Houseparty, which is further away. I can help at the Salvation Army on Christmas day, but everyone will be with family at other times. It's so hard not having family.


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  • I haven't done much housework, but am feeling a lot better. I have to decide tonight whether I'm taking Revel to the show, and also give Galaxy a medicated bath - fun!!

  • sorry about lucky, pets can be sorely missed.

    I have lost count of the ways I have developed to procrastinate . Including doing quizzes ON procrastination, and watching cartoons ABOUT procrastination!!! My main mistake I realise is getting bored and moving on to new projects without sorting out previous projects. I still have holiday pictures from 5 years that I still havent put up, but my mind quickly flits to the next interest and old and mundane stuff gets to gather dust, literally...

    Think that is why I have got so many books, they get bought for the latest interest, yet often don't get beyond the first few chapters, and of course I mean to get round to looking to them again sometime.

    I am making some progress with chores, the kettle gets filled everyday and I have a new rule of using it all up on washing up, which when I see it written down sounds quite pathetic, but it's progrress of a sort, no more using baking dishes as plates!

    Am trying not to think about christmas, but working at a school it won't be long before all the kids will be rehearsing x-mass songs etc, every day... so my main feeling on that is annoyance rather than the blues, but yes it does make me think about people who are no longer about to share the season with, and i do find my self looking forward to january, and the slow slow haul towards spring.

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