Hello

[iain1234]

I'm new to this forum but don't know where to start. I feel like I've had problems for many years but only very recently have I been persuaded to seek help.

I have an appointment with my GP next week but I have great difficulty in talking about how I feel and think I will end up not getting the right help because of it.

I hate being at home because I'm the primary carer for my disabled mother. She is very hard work and blames me for everything that goes wrong. I know she doesn't mean to upset me but it's becoming such a problem I dread finishing work each day.

I have also been having issues at work, largely as I'm the only male in an office of 15 employees. I feel very isolated at times but this makes me feel guilty as the ladies I work with are a great bunch, it's just that it's very difficult to join in sometimes.

In the last few days I have begun to talk to one of the ladies about how i feel and she has been incredibly supportive. Talking to her has really helped. However, my fear is that I will over burden her with my problems and she will stop being so caring.

Hopefully once I have seen the doctor I will have a better understanding of how to deal with how I'm feeling but in the meantime I will just have to struggle on

[Sandy129]

Visit the doctor and he/she may be able to give you the right direction. Depression is horrible and think you are definitely experiencing it. CBT can help by changing your outlook and counselling if not. There may be a wait unfortunately but just think you ll be on the road to a positive life. All these issues swarming round your head are completely normal believe it or not! Its when you can’t handle it all that you need some assistance. Hope this helps.

[iain1234 in reply to Sandy129]

Hi Sandy129

Many thanks for your reply. I understand that it's normal to have many issues at once and for most of the time I seem able to keep a lid on my emotions, however good or bad that may be. Over the last month or so I have found it especially hard and have got to the point where I'm fighting to stifle tears. The main reason I fear not being able to tell the doctor everything is that on the rare occasion I do talk I'm unable not to cry. When I tried to talk to my boss at work, we both ended up in tears.

[Sandy129 in reply to iain1234]

I can relate exactly to what you’ve said. A doctor isn’t goin to judge you by crying in front of them. It just shows your human and it’s completely natural so don’t worry. Is there someone you trust who you can take with you for support? It might help. If not there’s no need to be anxious about it as doctors see these situations everyday and assure you it’s their nature to be sympathetic and understanding and you ll probably feel abit better once you’ve done it. It’s also not doing your health any good by bottling up these problems. You need to have that weight lifted by taking the first step.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hi there iain1234

Welcome to our Community.

Caring is incredibly stressful and it certainly sounds as though you needed extra support.

There is better support for carers nowadays and I'm sure your doctor will refer you for the best support to suit your needs. Please don't be afraid to tell him/her exactly how caring is affecting you, in order that you receive the best care yourself. Try and practice self care regularly, try Mindfulness Body Scan on YT, only 12mins and really worth the effort, also any form of exercise will help you cope mentally.

Take care and do let us know how you get on. I'm sure others will offer their support too,

Chloe

[iain1234 in reply to chloe40]

Hi chloe40

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I will look into the support that is available for carers, I'm sure this would help. lm not sure how I've got into this predicament as I have two brothers and a sister that I should be able to rely upon for assistance. They do assist but do nowhere near as much as I do. I think it's because I'm the eldest and my mum has made it clear that she wants me to take care of things after she passes away that they seem very put out. If only they realised how much I'm dreading having to do that when the time comes. Thankfully there is no immiment prospect of it happening soon, as I'm not sure I'd be able to cope.

Thanks also for letting me know about the Mindfulness Body Scan, I'll be sure to give it a try

[kenster1 Moderator]

hi iain and welcome.do you have someone who could attend the gp with you maybe that little bit extra support will help you explain how your feeling better.your doing an amazing job helping care for your mum.im sure she appreciates everything your doing for her but it must be really hard to hold down a job also.could youu not have some support at night maybe one night so you can find find time to relax or meet up with a friend.glad you have someone at work to I'm sure shes not being burdened at all.i thought I was going to have to make a choice my job or my dad but hes that unwell ive been robbed of that chance.hope your ok.

[iain1234 in reply to kenster1]

Hi Kenster1

Im sorry to hear that your dad is so unwell. I hope things improve for you both really soon.

My work friend had offered to come with me but is no longer able to as she now has an important hospital appointment of her own which I don't want her to miss. The fact that we live almost thirty miles apart also makes it difficult.

You are right to say that it's hard to hold down a job as well, but it would be even harder to stay at home the whole time. I've been in a my current role for 9 months but before that I'd only worked about 3 months in the previous 2 years after being made redundant so I know how difficult it would be

[Bobby3]

Hi understand find it hard talking to Dr so I make a list or write a letter with all that you fill you need take it with you, that is only way I can see Doctor, now as I walk in he asks where’s our list. He gets it

[iain1234 in reply to Bobby3]

Hi Bobby3

Many thanks for the tip, I can see how this could work for me. I shall try it and let you how it goes.

[Bobby3 in reply to iain1234]

Great wait to hear how you get on. I agree with pat don’t put yourself down. You care so that makes you a lot better then most people well that what grandma always said and the other thing she said was ladies love it in a man. B

[Hidden]

Hi Ian, it's good you have someone to talk to at work, she must care, I think u would of felt negative vibes by now if she didn't care.. As regards your mum, get a professional opinion does she need 24hour help, like care home.

Also your mum will always love you, I guess it's just how we cope, frustrated can't do things oneself and blame other..

It does sound like you doing too much, thinking of you..pat xx

[iain1234 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Pat140609

Many thanks for taking the time to reply.

My work friend definitely cares about me, sometimes I think there may be more to it but I'm scared that if I say something she may back off, not that I find it easy to talk to women at the best of times. I also get this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough for her should anything develop so I also keep quiet for this reason

My mum doesn't need a care home at the moment although her mobility seems to be declining very quickly so it's only a matter of time. My two brothers have been very vocal in getting her put in a home but I think their reasons for doing so are extremely selfish and besides I know I'll struggle with the guilt when the time comes.

[Hidden in reply to iain1234]

Hi Ian, nice to hear from you, well your brothers need to do a bit more. I'm like you I think never put a parent in a home, but a suppose what they need you have too work, and can't be two places at once,

As regards the women in work, she may give you advise

But don't put yourself down, go wiv your gut

Feeling and you will get their.. Pat

[Hidden in reply to iain1234]

Hiya Iain,

Nice to hear from you, just ask for your work friend to go for a friendly drink, she might be waiting for you to make 1st move, don't think your not good of nuff, cos you are, ttfn

[iain1234]

Hi

I had what has turned out to be my first appointment with the doctor last week. Whilst I'm glad I've made the first step I now realise that getting the help I need will be a slow process.

It didn't help when I only had ten minutes with the doctor. It's no time at all when you have so many things you want to say. He, understandably only wanted to concentrate on the last couple of weeks so the list that I made wasn't much use as I know that I've had problems going back to my teens and I no longer want to keep them to myself.

I have been referred to a carers support group so hopefully this will help me to find time for myself though it'll be difficult as I find it so hard to put myself first.

My next appointment with the doctor is in a couple of weeks time and hopefully we will discuss what treatment may be necessary then.

I have spoken to my friend from work again, well I say I've spoken to her, she did most of the talking and a lot of sense she made. I wish she would tell me why she is being so kind to me. I asked her and she said she doesn't like seeing me unhappy but I know from bitter experience that peoples motives are never that straightforward.

I'm not used to having someone care about me like she does. I think that maybe I shouldn't care about her motives but I can' help but think there is more to it than she is letting on and I would really like to know.

I'm not brave enough to ask her to go for a drink after work, this is something I've suffered with for as long as I can remember. I suspect that I've had several female friends that were waiting for me to make a move. Sadly those I have got very close to have tended to be the wrong ones, hence knowing that peoples motives are never simple.

Another reason for not asking her out is that I'm scared that if she doesn't have any feelings for me it would then be difficult for her to continue to support me. Her help means so much to me as I have nobody else that I feel I can talk to. I've never been close to any of my family and my male friends just wouldn't understand. To be fair to them until recently I think I would have been the same. I have begun to learn more about my feelings and this is a process that I hope to continue with the correct guidance.

Hopefully I will know more after my next appointment with the doctor. It can't come round soon enough