I'm in a really bad place right now. I've been so down lately. I've been really struggling to concentrate or motivate myself at work and at home.
I'm sat here and I know I should go to bed but I just don't want to sleep. I just tried to cut myself but the only knife I own is too blunt. It's 4 years since I last cut myself!
I know I need help, but I don't want to go to my doctor. Last year since none of the treatments were working, she suggested this was just my personality. If my personality really is suicidal, I can't stand to hear it. That means it won't get better!
I was going to call Samaritans but the idea of even saying a word right now is nauseating. I just want to sit here in the dark in silence.
I don't know what to do!
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Hi there, I am sorry you are going through this phase, I can totally empathise with you, and have been like you many times, I live alone, and often feel desperate, and I know what you mean about not even feeling about phoning the Samaritans. I cannot offer you magic wand, but I think sharing here will help you, a day can change the mood too. Have you seen your GP or do you have any friends you could talk to? Its a very hard thing to cope with, maybe go out to a cafe for a coffee and try and break out of your pattern, the more you think about " oh I feel so awful' the worse you will feel. Get up and have a shower even, go out and get a Magazine or book to read, these things have helped me when I was feeling so so bad, and I know it does pass, Its sure not easy. I hope this has helped you a tiny bit, and people here will always listen, so you are not alone. Take care of yourself. Try and call Samaritans it will help you a bit anyway.
I 100% agree with Hannah people here are always here to listen even if it's just a good old moan :). But anyhow I totally understand where your coming from from struggling to concentrate and motivate yourself to do anything I'm still struggling with them also but I think I got better ish. I think that was from going to courses to understand what I was doing and why was I doing.
Maybe see if there any courses going near where you live ? that way you go out and motivate yourself in doing it and also meet new people. With your GP just don't know how to respond to that but WOW she's talking aload of rubbish personality she should be fired but anyway. With regards to Samaritans I know what your feeling " what should I say " etc etc try and send them an email I found that much easier than phoning because yes I wouldn't know where to start either so here is email address
jo@samaritans.org
But anyway you take care and if you wanted to chat about anything I'm more than happy to listen.
I often email Samaritans rather than call (I have a phobia of speaking to strangers on the phone) which helps to get your thoughts down in an honest, clear way rather than feeling like you need to keep a conversation going. Maybe you might find that more helpful? They reply within 24 hours, usually quicker. I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you for your comments. I've sent an email to Samaritans, which was much easier than phoning them.
Hi
Firstly I would say that if your GP responded the way you have said and told you that cutting is just your personality then I would change GPs! You need a GP who has more understanding of mental health issues than your present one.
I am sorry you are in such a bad place right now. It can be easier to write than to talk when feeling really bad, I agree, although usually once the phone call to Samaritans has been made and there is someone the other end of the line I have found I start crying and then am able to talk after that. Do you have anyone to share your distress with?
I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time.
Samaritans are probably a good place to start, they are a great way of getting someone on the outside of your world to listen and get fresh advice. There are also allot of online places you can visit if you feel it easier to write down your feelings instead of saying them out loud.
I went through a similar thing where i was so down i didn't know what to do with myself but i found it easier to write things down. I would right them down and then read them out loud, some how for me reading it out loud was like a release. I would then read them to a close family member or friend. Someone i could trust, some times doing it this way helps those people understand what you are feeling. I find the problem allot of the time is if they don't suffer from depression they don't understand how you can feel so alone when you are surrounded by people and that sometimes the darkness takes over until you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel and that the only way you can relieve the pain is by punishing yourself even more. You defiantly need to conact some one though. Remember you are not alone in the world no matter how lonely you feel and although some people don't understand there are others who understand completely and they are contactable.
Take it from someone who knows, Depression can put you in a very dark and lonely place and it will keep you there until you forget what the light looks like. You have to fight it every step of the way, remind yourself of those who you love and the ones who love you and do one thing a day that makes you happy even if it's selfish. You are special to many more people than you will ever know.
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Constantly feel bored and empty, like life has no meaning. 
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