So tonight I had a bit of a shock as my 13 yr old confessed to self harming and showed me her arm all cut up quite deep. I will be booking a gp appointment for her tomorrow.
In the past few weeks we have been having clashes. She has been getting home later from school and I have had to reiterate how I need to know where she is or is going to be in case of emergencies. Then she lost her set of keys and didn't notice until a week later as she hasn't been bothered about taking them anyways. I was pretty angry about that one and made lots of threats about taking away her phone and computer etc because she -to me - seemed so blasé about it and not sorry. Her attitude was well you can easily buy another set. In the end I didn't punish her and it turned out they weren't lost and she found them. Then yesterday she lost her iPhone 7! In the river she thinks. Again, I think I was pretty calm all things considered. We agreed that I would get her a cheap phone because she needs a phone for safety but she would have to do 30 chores to 'pay' for it. But yesterday she couldn't be bothered to do the chores. She wants to do them all in one day and I was annoyed, explaining there is not 30 chores to do in one day so they have to be spread out!
Anyways I don't feel I am unreasonable. But she came home today saying her friends think I am too strict. This made me mad as she never does chores and gets everything she wants eventually (keyboard, computer, phone, Xbox, bike etc).
She accuses me of being too busy all the time because of exercising (and work and chores). She says I had more time and was less stressed when I was fat!
I countered that if she helped with chores maybe I would get more time with her. (As a typical teenager she doesn't actually ever seem to want time with me or time with us as a family so generally she gets left to her own devices by her own choosing).
This may sound selfish but my plate is very full! I try to fit in my exercise (95 mins a day) work and chores AND study time for my hope of getting a career when my kids are older. I have my own stresses! Also with the puppy both kids have pleaded for for years - now we finally have one - I have to get up three times in the night to let him out for a pee so I'm more grumpy than normal. Often I run out of time in the day to study. I get up at 6am to try to get more things done in a day.
And yes this is all me me me so I feel bad now because maybe I have neglected her? But she stopped wanting my attention long before i started dieting. And I am fearful of my weight going back on if I don't exercise as much as I do!
She is also self conscious of being fat and doesn't eat breakfast or lunch (but eats well after school). She doesn't like eating in front of her friends and she hasn't eaten breakfast for years as she says it makes her feel sick to eat early.
Tomorrow she has agreed to come on an early morning walk with me and try eating some breakfast. I told her to try for a week at least as exercise is good for depression and with all her hormones not eating might be worsening her mood. Hopefully she won't be too tired and change her mind in the morning!
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CrimsonMama
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Wow! I don't think you are being selfish, being a parent is difficult and a full time job, and your kids are the most important thing for you, but there has to be room for more! You are doing great for yourself, your daughter is probably going through a difficult time herself and you are probably the closest target and also the one she is more confident about never losing. all I can say is you must be doing quite well if she opens up to you and shares what's going on with her!
Oh CM, I wish I could tell you how to handle that or tell you that she’ll get over it soon. But I really have no idea what you can do except seeking professional help and letting her know that you are there for her. I hope you’ll figure out what causes her to self-injure and how to help her stop.
I have a 13 year old girl too and she loses her keys and smashes her iPhone screen all the time. Making her empty the dishwasher or similar simple chores is hard work, but we insist! I think we would not be doing our jobs as parents if we just let our teens off the hook every time. You don’t sound too strict/demanding to me.
Like your daughter, mine is also not always interested in spending time with us. She’s on her phone/social media most of the time. I do try to connect with her on her terms, but she’s not always interested. Sometimes I am still allowed to read to her and tuck her in at night. When we lie there together, she usually starts talking about the things she’s got going on in her life. She’s self conscious too. I think most teens are a little insecure.
Could you invite your daughter into your “fitness regime” and spend time with her in that? My daughter likes to go swimming with me and goes to the gym to do strength training with her father... I also find that she likes when I ask her for help with something that she’s better at than me. She’s teaching me how to play the guitar and how to do a headstand. She also likes to help me pick out new clothes for me. She also likes to bake with me....
I so hope you are able to connect with her and that you together can get her out of the self-harming 😢
The difficulty is I have quite a clingy younger daughter of 8 yrs old and my 13 yr old doesn't like to do anything with all three of us. But to get alone time with her means excluding or sending my 8 year old away upstairs so that doesn't seem fair!
However I have been thinking about it and it won't be bad for my 8 year old to unwind for bed up in her room in the evening - she normally watches YouTube next to me whilst I watch TV and play with the puppy to tire him out for bedtime! My 13 year old can have that time slot and help me with pup lol. But she has to be willing! Usually if I ask her if she wants to come play with pup she says she is busy on her computer.
Its helpful to know your daughter also loses keys and phones etc! And doesn't always want to socialise. Its hard knowing the line between "normal" teenage behaviour and when it turns into an issue like this!
I know how difficult it can be to divide attention/time between children. My son has got cerebral palsy and requires more time/attention than his sister. But at least once a day, at least five minutes, I focus solely on my daughter.
I hope your GP was able to schedule a time for her soon?
Sorry to hear you and your daughter are having such a difficult time CrimsonMama. A trip to the GP is a good idea-self harming is a complex issue and good to seek professional help and guidance as soon as possible.
I completely agree with what the others have said-she can say these things because you are her mum, but the fact she has opened up to you is a very positive first step. One of my daughters has OCD and I am often the emotional punch bag. This is very difficult at times
Parenting teenagers is so tough I think. Amongst other things, I have lost count how many times I have been told by my daughters that they are the only ones of their friends that are asked to do any chores, they all get more allowance money etc etc. I think that is pretty much par for the course at this age.
It’s also important though that your daughter recognises that you are a person with your own needs and ambitions too and that it’s not all about her! But if you are able to combine doing what you need to do and spending time with her that might help both of you.
My daughter also claims she has OCD. She won't wash up because she can't abide "dirty water" or the smell. She won't use glasses to drink out of as she always says there is a smell in them (stale air apparently) even though I say just rinse them before use. She has her own mug and gets funny about anyone else using it.
She says others at school are the same. She also says they self harm too.
She has told me before that I am much softer than other mums and her friends have to do chores daily. Then in the same week says her friends don't do chores and are much more attitude and rude to their parents than she is to me. Another is one minute she says she has loads of friends and that's why she needs to stay out later after school to be with them! Then in the next breath says she only has two friends!
From what she tells me about her school friends it drives me crazy as I have no control over that situation! She has a bi friend who sounds very confused and self harms but is popular and likes attention but upsets my daughter by ignoring her half the time as she has so many other friends. Another friends who she walks to school with suffers anxiety and misses school a lot because the parents are too lazy to get up half the time and don't want to take her to school. They asked my daughter to go with her to make her go school but my daughter gets depressed when this girl gets to skive off all the time.
So part of me thinks is my daughter just mimicking all these others? I'm not saying what she feels isn't real but if she is surrounded by others who get away with misbehavior and skipping school because of "issues". And again these things are so out of my control!
Moving school may contain just the same and my daughter would be isolated from having any friends ?
Depression does run in my family. In my twenties I self harmed and I was depressed starting at around 13 too.
I have been really good for about three years now. The exercise and weight loss has helped me immensely! But I do get a bit of depression if I get bored so keeping myself SO busy is also my coping mechanism. And I think if I have to give up some of my exercise and study I am going to get depressed too!
I tried to get my daughter to run with me. She only came once. I am an early morning person where she is complete opposite! When I go out for walks weekends my 8 year old comes but my other daughter is in bed and not interested.
I haven't slept well all night but I have a plan. I am taking the day off work and giving my daughter the day off school. My 8 yr old will be at school so that gives us a lot of time just the two of us. I will get her a GP appointment and sort that out. But we will also go for a long walk and talk. Plus I have some running around to do so we will stop at a cafe which will be a nice treat (although breaks my diet!).
That sounds like a really good idea-it will show your daughter that you are prioritising her and hopefully will give you a chance to get more of an idea of what is really going on. When my oldest was that age, she used to open up most when we were walking in shopping malls! I think that combination of doing something she loves (me less so! But she loves shopping) and talking without having to make eye contact really worked for her.
The whole friends challenges imo are at their peak at this age- they seem to settle down from year 9 but can be very bumpy which won’t be helping.
I really feel for you! Teenage offspring are sometimes a challenge, being that age was rough back when I was young, but worse now. Too much happening too soon. Plus all the new 'toys' like the i phones etc, the way that if someone gets the latest thing, they feel that they all should get one or they feel less important or valued. It seems to be a confidence thing added to hormones and all the outside pressures and school wanting to 'fit in'. They now have all the media visions of how they should be and depressing TV and films. tough to grow up with I would think.
It is good that she will open up to you! If I were to advise anything it would be to just listen far more than talk. They don't want to listen to anyone sometimes, unless they want to hear what you say. But they may well connect better if given space, and if they feel they are being listened to (even the most boring tales of teenage chatter)
Parenting is not easy, and you do need time for yourself, it is a hard balancing act, getting to do your own thing at a time that others don't need your help and attention.
Sounds tough. I can't really offer any suggestions since I can (obviously) only see what you've posted. You're doing the right thing going to the GP, but there's a limited amount that he (or any other professional) can do for you. If there's anything to be done, it'll be you finding your own solution.
I have only one specific piece of advice: take another look at your diet. Maintaining a healthy weight isn't difficult if you're eating the right things (you shouldn't need to be exercising like a demon) and it may be your daughter is distressed by being overweight. Skipping meals is a very bad sign indeed - in particular, it suggests she doesn't know why people get fat and thinks that eating less will fix it. I've been in that position myself, and I will feel eternally guilty that I didn't know enough at the time to give her the right advice (fortunately, she figured it out for herself at about the same time I did, and she's now a slim and happy adult). Just getting fattening food out of the house will help both you and her. She'll whine to begin with, but when she's hungry, she'll eat!
Aside from that, a couple of thoughts and observations:
- Self-harm is actually quite common during adolescence, and occasionally it has no specific cause and people just "grow out of it". Adolescence is a sort of second "terrible twos", where people push boundaries (their own, and those imposed upon them) in order to develop their sense of self. Self-harm can be just one of those things, like promiscuity or drug-taking, that some people just feel the need to get out of their system. It's not pleasant for parents to watch this process happen, of course!
- Adolescents in Western societies are infantilized and coddled at precisely the point where they crave adult rights and the duties/responsibilities that come with them. Of course at age 13 they're incapable of taking on those rights/duties/responsibilities, but the parent's job is to somehow coach them to an adult level of competence. In the face of teenage stroppiness, this is hard! However, allowing adolescents to behave like children is usually counterproductive. "Lost" your iPhone? Too bad. In the real world, nobody gets free iPhones; nor does anyone get to negotiate one in exchange for a few chores. So she either saves up for a new one (by whatever means) or she goes without. It's a hard lesson to learn, but a valuable one, and she'll thank you for it later. Explain to her that the word "strict" does not apply here. Being strict is what you do to children. She's a couple of years off being a legal adult, so you're treating her as such.
- Never make a threat that you're not prepared to carry through. This applies to anyone, not just children. Set boundaries and stick to them. If you allow yourself to be pushed back and back and back, you do harm to yourself and to your relationship with the person you're interacting with.
- If it's an external problem, it could well be at school. Schools in general do far more harm than good, IMHO, but it'll be up to you and your doctor/psychologist to figure out if this is the issue, and if so what can be done about it.
- Whatever personality traits led you to self-harm may have been passed on to your daughter, either genetically or via your family environment. Whatever issues exist(ed), it's unlikely you'll be able to spot them yourself. Most of us can't see our own flaws. To that extent, a professional may be able to help, but it will not be a pleasant experience. Both you and your daughter will have to take a careful look at yourselves and see if there's anything that needs to change. Even when you spot what the problem is, it can take a lot of effort and dedication to fix it. I wish you luck.
Very insightful and informative advice! Thank you. This daughter is actually always been the healthiest eater! Me and my youngest are the fussy ones with a sweet tooth.
I hope the GP will be of some use as other than trying to be more communicative I don't really know how to 'fix' this type of issue. My coping methods (keeping busy and exercise) are not methods she wants to follow.
Oh CrimsonMama I am so sorry this is happening to you and your daughter. It's terrifying but the one good thing about it all is that she has come and told you. It's totally natural for them to pull away which is very hurtful but they need to push their boundaries and you have to push back. She'll come through this and she's luckier than many that she has a loving family to turn too. This is not your fault. It's not about you at all but I'd suggest she needs council ing as there's something has set this off, be it major or minor. Cutting gives her a sense of release and control. It will pass, and she will be fine. She needs her Mum more than she knows. Mind yourself too, it's understandable that this will throw you off balance.
Hi CrimsonMama, I really feel for you. I’ve had so many sleepless nights worrying about my daughter.
I say the worst ages for me was from 11-14, she was anorexic, then started suffering from anxiety and self harming etc.
I’ve had exactly the same thing from my daughter saying that her friends think I’m too strict, over protective etc and my suspicion is that it’s made up and a way of trying to be in control of situations when we’ve said she can’t do something. I just ignore her now, or say that I don’t care what other parents do.
You’re doing absolutely the right thing going to see your doctor about the self harming. My daughter got bored of the therapy thing, when she realised that she had to go along to sessions every week and put the work in, and she then stopped self harming, saying she had depression etc. A lot of it is copying other girls, a friend of hers said she had depression and my daughter said she had depression, now I’m not saying she didn’t have it and it’s important to get any help available, but I think things can be put into their heads and they are so easily influenced at this age. But things do improve once the hormones settle down and everything isn’t such a big drama.
Try not to worry, because my daughter was an absolute nightmare she made our life miserable and caused us a lot of stress, but she’s 15 years old now and the change in her is remarkable. We still have our moments, and we probably have a few more years of ups and downs, but she seems more mature and sensible.
It’s tough being a parent, especially in the world we live in now where they seem to have the upper hand, and none of us are perfect, but you can only do your best by giving them guidance and support, and the rest falls on them to choose the right path.
Never feel guilty for allowing yourself exercise time, you are absolutely entitled to take care of yourself, and allow yourself time to study etc. My daughter loves to say hurtful things to me to get a rise out of me, and the easiest way to annoy them is to not say anything. They hate it when you don’t react.
I hope your appointment goes well today, and your daughter overcomes the self harming xx
Thank you! It's very reassuring to hear it from someone who has been there! I do feel there is an issue of copying. Because others get special treatment due to their "conditions" I can't help feeling she thinks she is not getting the same treatment unless she is like them. And of course to fit in with them too. It's almost seen as "cool" to self harm these days so I do hope it is a phase and I have a good feeling that like your daughter she will soon tire of regular therapy sessions.
But until then I have to treat it seriously and do whatever I can to help!
That’s all you can do, go through the whole process of getting help etc, I bet there are loads of parents doing exactly the same thing for their teenagers, there is a waiting list for CAMHS (mental health services for teenagers). But in our case we were lucky that the therapist who had dealt with my daughter previously for her eating disorder picked up her file and asked to see us straight away concerning the depression, self harming she said she had.
My daughter wanted a quick fix and to be put on anti depressants, as one of her friends were prescribed them (but that was a particularly serious case and it’s unusual to be put on anti depressants at such a young age ). When my daughter realised that she wasn’t going to get tablets and had to attend the therapy sessions, she never mentioned the depression or tried self harming again.
I know every teenager is different, and it’s important to take them seriously, but I’m hoping the same applies to your daughter, and everything settles down as she gets older.
My daughter is 24 now, but I remember those days well, including the lost keys. No-one is perfect neither you nor your daughter. It sounds like getting professional help is important at this stage. In a calm moment sit down with her and try to explore what the underlying issues are, is she being bullied? . God gave us 2 ears and one mouth for a reason, don't be afraid of silent gaps to see if she opens up. Then comes the hard bit, you need not only to listen but also to hear what she is saying. She will blame you, but try to rise above it and ask her what she would like to change. Don't be hard on yourself and don't expect too much, it is still work in progress with my daughter although she has emerged out of the other side.
My thought are with you as for almost 9 years i use to go to Belgium from Uk every other week to look after my grandson of 3 parents separated, then became ill myself unable to go as often at the age of 12 he stopped eating because i couldn't go. It's difficult to measure what goes through young peoples mind and the affect of different situations which they react to.
There is "true colours " which you can find out on the web and find out whether they could help.
Firstly are you able to get a gym membership for your daughter, she can go with you?
95 mins a day exercise seems a lot , walking is great exercise but difficult this time of year.
My daughter self harmed and it really shocked me too, she’s asd and was struggling badly at school, I found Young Minds website very supportive.
Self harming is frustration rather than suicide, however if it’s happened more than once then get a gp referral to CAMHS or ask school if there are any counselling services available.
I’ve lost 3.5 stone by going to Slimmingworld, I don’t know if you have anything to lose but again children I believe can go free, so maybe this can be another activity together.
Teenage years are difficult and I found I wasn’t spending enough time with my daughter and she needed me xx
Hi I am so sorry to hear tHis- as everyone else had said it’s difficult to know what to say. Have you spoken to the school to see if there are any issues there will bullying. Do you have access to her computer/phone to see if any issues occurring in her social media accounts? I know how difficult it was for my mam to get us involved in doing chores- apart from cooking we liked preparing Sunday dinner but cleaning our rooms that was a battle for her! Could you restrict her online access after a certain time. I know my brother’s kids who are 12&14 have to bring all their devices downstairs at 8pm otherwise they loose a privilege PS4 or they have to go to bed earlier at the weekend.
The loss of the iPhone is not the main problem here - but did you try the "Find my" function (which should locate the phone - or the location where it was last turned on with a charged battery? I have an iPhone 7.
My step-daughter was also more than a bit wild, but she has settled down now - she even got married (after about the 5th child).
Just wondering if she self harms alone . I was amazed to find out that this is sometimes done in groups or friends show their trophy wounds to each other . Sort of an attention seek .
Maybe a word at school . How is she there as teachers sometimes notice things ?
Could you do anything together ...horse riding , ice skating ?
Could her friends come over ?
Any clubs to join ...something to distract or keep mind active .
Does she like cooking ? I used to give my kids lunch money and found they have bought something even when they said they haven't . I used to make toast in a morning ..the waft up the stairs got them interested then wrapped in a paper towel to eat on way to bus stop.
Teenagers can be difficult . I only changed aged 14 when I got a part time job as I loved my own money . Aged 19 I shocked my parents by buying a house .
I do think there is a friend-collaboration thing! And a kind of acceptance or showing off of 'hey I do that to, look at my wounds'. On one arm she has tried to carve the word "sorry" to show a friend she had upset. Which doesn't sound very sorry. As to me its like saying "sorry but now look what you made me do, harming myself".
We had a nice meal out yesterday but I can't help feeling she was a bit smug. She was asking how much money I was willing to spend. I wonder if - between herself and friends - they are using self harming as a manipulation tool.
She didn't want to tell the GP or school. However the GP has contacted CAMHS and I am hoping if it's more of a manipulation tactic she will stop rather than have to go to meetings and talk all the time.
If its more about attention seeking then hopefully my change of evening schedule will help as we will get alone time for at least an hour each evening.
Think you are doing what you can . Other parents may welcome your support .Could you talk to her 'friends ' parents ? School pastoral may be very used to this too . To most this is shocking and was at one time seen as extreme, Social media and liberal availability of the opportunity to take selfies I don't think helps so it has become more mainstream. My experience working as a therapeutic parent opened my sheer ignorance to this a few years ago.
Oh CrimsonMama I really feel for you - I have been in this situation and I wouldn't wish it on anyone 😔
It's good that your daughter is talking to you though, trying to get to the bottom of why she is self-harming might be easier. I hope your gp has been some help - in my experience camhs (mental health services for under 18s) were pretty useless, but yours may be different - it seemed like they were always going by the book, and if my daughter didn't fit x, y or z, they had no idea what to do 😕
Please don't dismiss it as copying others, it might be the case but it also could be a serious problem. Feeling like she is being taken seriously could make all the difference.
I can't give you the answer, I wish I could, all I can say is you are doing the right thing - being there for her, knowing that she can come to you, trying to give her some one to one time without your younger daughter are all good steps. But you do need some time for yourself as well and that can be hard - don't wear yourself down trying to balance everything - just stick to your healthy eating, some exercise and also some chill time 😊
I self harmed as a teenager and as an adult. only really stopped about 10 years ago when i was put on anti-psychotics. For me it was a form of self medication and a coping strategy.
Thank you everyone for replying! I wasn't sure how people would react as this is not strictly a post for this forum. But I feel most at home in this forum and feel people know me best here.
Yesterday I managed to get a GP appointment and my daughter has been referred to CAMHS. She says she can stop self harming "whenever she wants" and I think its dawned on her that perhaps doing this is going to have consequences she wasn't looking for (appointments and talking to strangers!).
I do feel between her and her friends they are using self harm as a manipulation tool. She was asking how much money I was willing to spend on her yesterday! We had a nice meal out. I realised it was the first time we had a treat out with just us since her sister was born (8yrs ago). Before that it was always just her and me as her dad worked nights.
It was good but made my day nearly 3000 calories! And I didn't get to exercise other than a 40 min walk we did together and the few hours running around at the shops. I was so tired from the sleepless night I was nearly nodding off and couldn't face my treadmill.
I felt depressed myself and teary and as I was doing house chores I did feel that my daughter still has no respect for the amount of work I do and the mess she leaves! But if I tell her off she will just say I made her feel bad and self harm!
I said to the GP I think I need therapy too! I need somewhere to vent that as much as I want to help my daughter I don't like feeling manipulated by it either!
Anyways... I'm sorry I haven't had time to respond to every reply here but I have read and appreciated every single one! Thank you so much!
you are at exploding point then why not write your daughter an open letter expressing how you feel . Maybe a read of this - something she can absorb in her own time and you keep a copy may avert a real
showdown . Obviously balanced so you didn't play the victim / one sided but justified notes of how exhausted you feel and although you don't express yourself with physical harm - inside you are continually worried and upset for both of you .
That sounds like a great idea, focused1 😊 writing how you feel when you are calm and rational could avoid a heated exchange, when things get said that are not really meant.
If your daughter is referred to CAMHS they are likely to offer you support too. I found this more useful than my daughter found her sessions sadly but that’s a different story.
I found young minds brilliant so you might want to get in touch with them-someone provided a link earlier
Good luck
Btw I personally think this is completely appropriate use of this forum so I wouldn’t worry about posting this on here if this is where you feel most comfortable 😊
I hope CAMHS will provide the help you both need 💙I agree with others who say that you have to take care of your own basic needs if you are to take care of others. But it does sound to me like your exercise regime is excessive. Only elite athletes have to work out 90 minutes every day. 30 minutes of moderate exercise per day should be enough, shouldn’t it?
Agh! 30 mins seems so small! Although when I started exercising it was with a 30 min walk a day and I lost weight. But as I lost weight it says you burn less calories with the same amount of exercise so I guess maybe I have over compensated. But I also feel scared that if I don't exercise as much as I do that I will gain weight. It's also a way of keeping myself busy and my own depression at bay.
I just weighed myself this morning and haven't gained weight despite my Friday "caloric treat" and less exercise so maybe I can cut down a bit which will give me more balance with fitting in study and my daughters issues!
I am going to post a separate post about it I think!
You are very brave to post on here and I am surprised by the number of replies you have had from people who are/have been in the same situation. It s definitely a great way to use this forum. You have lots of great advice from everyone. I don't have any experience of the situation myself so cannot offer advice about your daughter. But you must look after yourself. You will not be able to help her if you make yourself ill. You sound like you have an awful lot on your plate. Can you cut back some activities a bit until things are more settled? Is your employer supportive? Can you take some time off or reduce your hours for a period? You don't say if your daughter's father is on the scene. I am assuming you are a single parent (apologies if I am wrong). Is he supportive? Is there family member you or she could talk to. Sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who is not so close to the situation. Sorry to bombard you with questions but you do sound as if you need help. Well done for asking for help from the GP. I know how hard caring on your own can be. Be kind to yourself. Sending big hugs and thinking of you.
Thank you! Yes everyone on here have been wonderful and it is surprising how many people have had similar experiences. Which is also sad that it is becoming a "common" thing in today's society.
Unfortunately I suspect my daughter's father may be the cause of some of her issues. We broke up when she was four and he often arranged to see her but then failed to show up. I was the one having to see her waiting eagerly at the window for hours only to be disappointed and then have to deal with her anger and frustration. When he DID turn up she would be so happy she wouldn't tell him how much it upset her when he let her down so he never really got how he had an effect on her. Eventually I had to stop him seeing her for her own wellbeing but when she was a little older, about six or seven, I tried to get them to see eachother again but he is still unreliable. He can arrange to see her whenever but he only bothers at Xmas and her birthday and then he just showers her with money and gifts to make up for his lack of attention. He doesn't know how to be a parent. He shows off, eating a garden snail or climbing something dangerous, to appear 'cool'.
Her issues - from our talking - seem to be centered around a friend at school who ignores her half the time and depresses her but then showers her with attention if she tries to go off with other friends. This seems similar to her dad - getting lots of attention one minute and none the next. This friend also self harms so I do think maybe my daughter is doing it to try to get this girls attention more and feel like they have something in common.
Again .. I feel these issues are above and beyond my control. Issues regarding wanting more of my time and attention I can fix but I can't make others treat her how she wishes. Not even her dad. Sadly.
Hopefully CAMHS can be the ones to help with that side.
As for myself... I can exercise less to give myself more time but I don't want to eat less! I'm already struggling a bit with extra hunger in this cold weather. If I start putting weight on I am not going to be happy! But maybe I can get away with 60 mins exercise a day instead of 95? I know I am being a bit obsessive about fearing to put weight back on! But it's taken me a year to get where I am and I don't want to start again! I have lovely clothes in size 8-10.
I am sorry. This is such a sad situation. It does sound to an outsider like an attention seeking thing. I hope the therapy will help. You are doing a great job as she feels able to talk to you.
The friend doesn't sound like much of a friend. Does she have other friends she can spend time with and stay away from this particular one? Not easy with teenagers I know. Maybe have a word with the school. They may not be aware of the situation. They might keep an eye on her or find ways to help her with the so called "friend". I don't have a daughter but my sons school, when they were there, always encouraged parents to contact them with any problems and were very supportive.
I certainly wouldn't suggest you eat less. You have done so well. I'm sure you know what you need to do. You do need to make time for yourself. It is lot to cope with on your own. You need support too!
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A no carbs diet
Bad day
Is a major binge the ‘same’ as cutting/self-harming?
Anyone else intentionally skip breakfast?
A promise to my future self 
